And then I found here.

[Candace]

My daydreaming adventures started early. Like most children I imagined a world in which I was important, special, needed -- but my daydreams never included magic: no flying cars, no wizards wand. For the most part I would say that I created, in my mind, a world much like the one outside with subtle variances. I became quite good at imagining.

At puberty my daydreaming started to pay off. My flights of fancy had led me to books which expanded my vocabulary and the time spent just thinking led me to play social situations over and over again in my head until they were utterly perfected. Every nuance decided. All variables accounted for an answered. This led to great social success. Most of my peers thought me intelligent and confident.

Being overconfident and unprepared for consequences... I was a mother at 18. When my son was small I would lay awake at night imagining us somewhere else, somewhere with more money, somewhere where his father hadn't left or never existed. I knew I loved my son when I couldn't disappear without taking him with me. If someone was going to love me in my world, they had to take him too. I couldn't separate myself from him mentally.

My son is now 11. About a year ago I started imagining a world where I had no children and it scares me to death.

My life is completely lost. I have constructed in my mind a convincing set of circumstances to replace all human contact. It has progressed to the point where the hugs I imagine feel better than the ones I receive although I cant remember when that was exactly. I fake it for my kiddo, but I stopped faking for everyone else. I find myself crying over imagined arguments, imagined rejections. The world I create isn't one of pure whimsy. It can be hell. I keep telling myself that I will snap out of it, that I will be better, that I can find a better job when the market gets better, that I'll lose the weight I want to lose, that someday someone will want to talk to me again...and that I'll be brave enough to meet new people again...and not feel like I'm from another planet.

[J Noland]

I'm sort of new around here but have been a MD'er all my life. I've been reading over the posts here and trying to catch up on all I've missed out on. I have never had children partly because I fear abandoning them to my DD'ing. Your post was emotional to me because I think I would be the same, first only dreaming of me with my child and then eventually dreaming of life on my own again. I hope you are well.

[sky]

I feel for you because ive just had my child and im doing exactly the same and im pray that i can sort this out before she gets older. from what i hear you must be at a stage right now where life is bothering you so much that youre finding it hard to escape.

Things must be bad if you cant even positively daydream which is the reason why most of us do it in the first place - to escape our troubles. When i suffered really bad depression i was the same - reality kept sneaking into my fantasy world and spoiling everything... i really recommend you seek medical advice for depression as it is a separate illness from your maladaptive daydreaming and shouldnt be ignored!

for all of us its easy to ignore these low times because weve done this for so long and depression can be such a huge symptom for us all alongside the daydreams... and we think we can deal with it because we have always been able to escape!

- but it sounds like your actually suffering at the moment to a point where youre beyond being able to postively daydream and that shouldn't be dismissed (remember even postnatal depression can stay for many many years if untreated so you could have had it all this time and not known about it)

we all share a skill in imagination and also your writing skills are fantastic it may be worth you looking into becoming a writer if youre not happy at work as i think you'd do well xx Better days will come when you least expect it i promise xx

[drifter]

I go through the same thing I find myself stressing over things that happen in my imagined world