About me

[Jennifer T]

I first starting this when I was 12.  Mine seems different than most I have read about and wonder if anyone has a similar experience.  My first boyfriend broke up with me and I started to imagine him watching me remotely.  It affected my behavior because I would act my best and imagine him wishing he was still with me.  Over the years it changed to other ex-boyfriends, teacher who did not think I would do anything go with my life, and my father who I stopped talking to.  As an adult it was my grand children watching me and even random people from the past who wanted to see the future.  It has remained one ex boyfriend for the last 20 years but not in a romantic way.  Only in a longing way to reconnect and mostly because it is an obsessive thing I do most of the day.  It usually starts with him, then switches to my boss who fired me last year while I am at work, then maybe my Dad later in the day, and someone random later on.  I do go times without doing this but most of the day I am aware of it.  It has never become a problem where I stop other activities to do this.  But it does change my behavior so I start cleaning up or acting like a better mom when someone who thinks I am not good at these things is watching.  I have tried to stop this at times and failed.  It was like trying to stop thinking.  I would become so distracted trying to stop that I could not focus on anything else.  When I did get back to doing things I would notice the thoughts entering into my mind again.  Eventually I stopped worrying about it and I only feel bad about it because I think others would think badly about me.  I told my mom when I was a teen in an attempt to see a counselor about my mood and she looked at me like she did not know what to think and changed the subject. I had any counseling until I was an adult.  I have Depression and Anxiety but medications don't work.