A Socially Cognient Autist, A Sane Schizophrenic, And Other Misadventures Of An Anthropologist From Toonworld

[Paula]

The simplest way to describe me is as a helix of contradictions.

I understand people, both on an intellectual, anthropology-and-psychology-research level, and an emotional, empathetic level, and, yet, I find myself intimidated by and unable to connect to most people;

I see things that others do not see, and I am not simply referring to the beautiful dreamworld that I constantly inhabit; random specks of light will flash across my vision, which is already marked by what is known as "visual snow" (seeing a TV static-type background in one's vision), non-existent bugs will crawl on my skin and appear in random locations, and things will run around me which are not things at all. Despite all of this, I have been said to have a good grasp on reality; thus, I do not hallucinate but, rather, pseudohallucinate...

..and it may be this very awareness of reality that so often drives me into lunacy. At the time of writing this, for example, I am aware of the shower being used in the bathroom across from my dorm room-- so much aware, in fact, that I am experiencing an unpleasant sensation around my ears and would have my earphones delivering music were it not for the fact that my phone is charging. I am aware of the fact that the way that I walk, dash, dress, and generally conduct myself is often the subject of sideways glances and whispers; I can feel their condemnation of me weigh on my skin like sunrays in 100 degree heat, and it is because of this that I seldom approach others to engage in casual conversation. I am aware of my many inadequacies in organization and responsibility, which drives me into a despair that can often result in biting and hitting; I am also aware of the illogic of such actions, which prompts further distress.

Thus, it may be because I am aware that I split my mind into two distinct worlds. In one world, I have many friends and many connections; I am capable of all feats mental and most feats physical; I am eccentric but generally accepted; I am safe, despite the constant dangers that accompany being a werewolf in a technologically-advanced warzone. In the other world, I am too sensitive to too many things; I am clumsy and prone to an unhealthy amount of carelessness; I am an imperfect being in a world that so desperately seeks perfection. I have enough people in this confusing, overwhelming world, however, to motivate to stay, even if it is for fleeting seconds at a time.

I have been daydreaming for about as long as I have been thinking; I do not remember a distinct beginning, nor do I ever remember not daydreaming. There were some events in my early childhood that may be classified as traumatizing, such as my mother being forcibly removed from our household when I was five years old, though I do not feel as though I have experienced anything that could be considered "horrific." I have not actually been diagnosed with either autism or schizophrenia (in fact, as far as I know, I have never been "diagnosed" with any particular disorder), though I have been suspected by various professionals of having one or the other. Said professionals also agree that I have some level of anxiety, though the "chicken-egg" debate could apply to this situation (am I anxious because I have some level of neurological variance, or do I have some level of neurological variance because I am anxious so often?). Though Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder does not appear on any paperwork, I feel that this is a "given," though I do not agree with the position that it is always "maladaptive" or a "disorder."

 I spent the majority of my waking time in some level of daydreaming, though I also manage to do well in academia and am currently in college, registered initially as an English major with a Writing Concentration but now more inclined towards Psychology or Anthropology (likely the former, as I tend to conduct much more research on psychological subjects than anthropological subjects). The word "nerd" could easily apply to me on many levels. I (and many of my characters) also volunteer with various organizations; I also participate in the choir and occasionally dabble in drawing, though I do not have a prodigious aptitude in either discipline. 

Salutations; I'm Paula Gomez, and I'm hoping that I may one day be of use to the perpetual chaos known as "reality."

[Paula]

Thank you both for the warm replies; I am humbled by your appraisal of my writing style. :)

Larry, it does seem that I have a few of the symptoms of C-PTSD, but I am not quite sure that I have suffered any slight to any quantity or severity at which one would typically be claimed as being "traumatized"; there were a few events in which my self-esteem was brutally shattered, and I have had some deep personal losses, but I do not feel as though I was abused or tortured, and the vast majority of my childhood was rather happy, perhaps happier than that of most children. I do have a few occasional moments of dissociation, particularly dissociative amnesia, but I do not think that this happens often enough or that it impairs me enough to be considered a specific disorder.  I will continue looking into these matters, though; thank you for your suggestions.

Mill, you are probably correct in that I do not have schizophrenia, especially not to a degree that would be impairing enough to warrant a diagnosis. That being said, are you familiar with the "spectruming" concept in psychology? It could be that people like us have just enough of the schizophrenia gene to be a little "creative," but not quite enough of the gene to give us a debilitating disorder. The internet is too skilled at turning apt researchers into hypochondriacs. Thank you, also, for your suggestions.

[Larry]

I'm impressed. You have a very beautiful writing style.
I hope to one day progress my writing to level your at. :)

It might be worth your time to check out the symptoms of "complex" PTSD and see how much of that might apply to you.
C-PTSD differs from PTSD in that there isn't any one traumatic event that creates it, but a series of small "upsets", usually during childhood when the brain is still developing, that creates the disorder.
Much like "maladaptive daydreaming", it's still in the research phase so you'd be hard pressed to find any health professionals well versed in it.

Another direction you could look into, again trauma related, are the dissociative disorders.
These were originally singled out by Dr. Eli Somer as being a primary cause of maladaptive daydreaming.
This has since been disproven, but there are still a whole lot of us out there.

I tell you this because I can relate to being misunderstood, both by myself and others, to being lost and isolated from the very people I'm so fascinated with.
For me, just knowing what exactly was wrong provided a great deal relief from my miseries and has wholly changed how I view the world around me.

Anywho, welcome aboard. I think you'll find some kindred souls here, both lost and found.

[Mill]

You could very well scratch off schizophrenic. Visual snow and seeing insects don't really count as positive symptoms and the fact that you are so involved in academia really discredits your claim in the negetive symptom area.  

I went though a "I'm a schizophrenic" and it's possible you can just have the same phase. I'm not however saying that you are not. Being the people that we are though,  we may be hasty when it comes to relating to symptoms that we read online. 

You seem to be in a really good place right now :) You have really good writing. I'm jealous. I wish you luck in your schooling!