I'm pretty lost right now.

I'm 18 years old and heading off to college soon, yet I don't know what I want to go to school for, I don't know what I want to do for a living, and hell, I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've recently started talking to a psychologist, and he thinks that my obsessive and excessive daydreaming is caused by ADHD, because my father told him what he thinks my symptoms are and I didn't think I could correct him without breaking down and crying.

But I see him again next week, and my father won't be there in the room. I still don't want to cry, but I've got a whole big list of symptoms I've been feeling over the past week that will help me remember what I want to say and have confidence when I say it.

My real name is Lauren, but I picked my title as Greydawn because I absolutely love that name and the symbolism that goes with it. It happens to be the surname of one of my favorite daydreaming characters. He's a sour 32-year-old war-veteran with PTSD and an asshole so tight he could make a lump of coal into a diamond, and I absolutely love him.

Mind you, I'm not in love with him like some people become with their characters. If I met him, I doubt he'd give a sheepish girl like me a second thought, and he's certainly not the sort you lay awake at night regretting your dumbfounded silence. He's volatile and none too pretty, and he reeks of cigarettes and alcohol constantly. While some guy like him might be the man I desire, I'm content to let the character himself exist in my daydreams and in my roleplay.

He's one of several RP characters, too, and all of them I daydream about. I'll probably get into them more at one point, but for now all you need to know is that they talk to me. Not like schizophrenic voices -- it's more like a book's character for the author.

So maybe I do know what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author. But whether I can make money from that or not, or whether or not I'm good enough to write for a living, is completely undecided.

And that leads me into the series of my major problems. I have horrible self-confidence, which is portrayed as social anxiety. I can hardly talk to new people or any person in authority, and I've frequently avoided parties my friends are hosting because five is just too many people for me-- even if I know them all. I don't want to make a mockery of myself, I don't want them to dislike me (because I don't know why they like me in the first place), and I simply don't want to go. I don't want to talk to the people I've made friends with already. I destroy my own friendships because I'm paranoid. I cling to the few people who I do speak to regularly, and I become jealous and possessive when they go off to talk to others, which ruins a good relationship.

Those are the real reasons I think I need therapy and medications. I'm lonely and I have no one to turn to.

I don't think I want to do away with my maladaptive daydreaming, and I don't think it's a problem. A few times a day, around 20-30 minutes each time, I go outside, listen to music, and swing. My mind wanders around and races until it's exhausted, which is nice. Usually I can't keep up with it. It keeps me awake at night, and nudges me when I'm trying to do my assignments.

And that's not the only thing. When I'm outside, I'm alone, and I don't have to think about others and what they could possibly be thinking. I talk to my characters and learn about them. I relax. 

And now we come to why I have joined this website. I want to talk to other people who have the same problem as I do, and ask them why they want to rid themselves of their MD, and why I don't. Is it because I have no life for daydreaming to consume? Has it already consumed it, and that's why I've no interests but these characters I've woven? Is that a bad thing? I don't like the vast majority of people; why do I want to get a job and a life and live in society? Can I even make it as an author? What constitutes a full life?

I'm lost somewhere in my head. Should I bother with a road map?

_________

I apologize if this was too long or too jumbled. I just kind of started typing, and suddenly it was an hour later and my page wasn't blank.

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Comment by Greydawn on November 5, 2012 at 12:22pm

Thank you all! I absolutely love how thoughtful everyone's responses are! <3

Comment by xCutemintix on November 4, 2012 at 2:59am
Hi Greydawn, I'm pretty much in the same situation. 18 years old, big avoider of parties, and have no clue about what I want to do in life.
I'm so torn between reality and my dreamworld. If it was possible to live in my dreamworld forever, I would, no doubt, it's the only time I feel truly happy, but I can't. And I'm struggling to accept that.
I will never be satisfied outside my fantasies (I'm a very all or nothing type person), and being so disillusioned by everything like that is exhausting and frustrating.
Now the lines are blurring and I'm starting to wonder if I should stop trying to make sense of it all and give up...
Anyway, I think it's great that you want to become an author. If you have a natural flair for story-telling, your day dreams could be very useful, and you could incorporate your day dreams into real life. I say go for it. I would love to be an author, but I don't think my day dreams would be that interesting to other people, haha.
Comment by taffle on November 2, 2012 at 4:01pm

I have social phobia, agoraphobia, and other problems so I also think to myself, why do I want to get a job and a life and live in society. I am not "normal" like the other people in society. Daydreaming is one of the few things in life that gives me pleasure that I couldn't get from the real world. I wish I had admitted my symptoms 5 years ago before I went to college because if I did, then maybe my college experiences would have been better.

Comment by Crissy on November 2, 2012 at 1:34pm
I admire you for seeking help at such a young age. It took nearly 30 yrs for me to admit my symptoms to myself, there's no way I would have had the courage to make a dr appt at 18.
I also think your vet would make a great character in a novel.
Comment by Greydawn on November 2, 2012 at 12:23pm

Thank you, and thank you even more for commenting at all. It feels nice having feedback and knowing people are out there who care. :)

Which reminds me: that's another reason I joined. People seemed so kind and supportive.

Comment by Jody on November 2, 2012 at 11:39am
Not too long at all. It was a great read.
I can't say why you don't want to get rid of your day dreams, (and I think you Vet would make a great novel character), but I can speak to why I want to get rid of mine.
My MD had been a coping mechanism from an early age to deal with emotions I wanted to avoid. I've relied on it, have given into timidity, and I'm sick of it. I'm ready to tackle those issues and be present in my life.
I wish you the best of luck with your therapy sessions and college.

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