A Little Hellish

[Maren]

You know what's interesting about MD? Interesting and also a little hellish?

The way it feels like you're trapped on a hamster wheel but you don't want to get off.

Now that I'm trying to cope in better ways, it really, truly, feels like a fight. I know that's something that gets tossed around when you talk about mental health but boy, is it accurate. 

And I've been thinking about that fight because it's different than depression or anxiety. Depression is this emptiness that I imagine myself as both a puppet and a puppeteer, forcing myself to shower or eat. Anxiety is a wall and I can see myself pushing at it with both hands.

But MD? It feels so damn good. Like so good. It's a high that I crave everyday, it's relief and everything. It's a hamster wheel. Because well, hamster must like the damn wheel even if they go nowhere and I love MD and I go nowhere.

So now, I'm stuck with this question that I can't put into words but goes something like this- how do people do this? How do people live? How does a person get into a relationship, get married, have kids and I don't know, find the relief? Find the high? Feel?

MD was my main way of feeling sucky emotions when I was a kid. Sensitive summer child afraid of hurting others, I mean, we're all daydreamers here, you can fill in the blanks.

You know what really sucks? Flunking college because you couldn't stop daydreaming. Losing all your friends because you isolated yourself. Not brushing your teeth when you had braces and being stuck with stains. Not living. Not feeling.

I just want those things to be enough of a reason to get off the hamster wheel, you know? I don't need to change what's happened but I don't want it to happen again. I want to be able to feel anger without wanting to run from it. Without wanting to daydream about it.

And I think that's what really led me here to post. I'm tired of running from my feelings, my problems, my low self esteem. I'm tired of pretending to be fine.

Thank you for reading!