A Dream About the Passed and a Confrontation

[The Phantom]

I HATE MY mind. It goes from A to Z in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I feel like my body is just along for the insane ride that is my dreams. It's odd to me that some people tell me that they don't dream at all. I just sit in envious thought about how I wish I wasn't disturbed each night with dreams that leave me waking in the dark, screaming out or crying. I've given up trying to get control of my dreams. A counselor of mine told me that my dreams could be my mind being restless and it is the result of me not exercising it enough in the day, but even when I was in college, using my mind like a well broken in tool, I still had "colorful" dreams.

I wish I could say that most of them were happy and full of joy, but the mind is a tricky thing and will take grasp of your strongest emotions when your body is at rest...when its most vulnerable. Lasts night's dream was anything but happy. I would classify it more along the lines of emotionally conflicting. To explain this dream I must give you a brief background of why this dream had significance to me personally, and why I currently want to put iron bars up in my brain and protect myself from its "creativity".

College was a turning point in my life, as it is for many people. I was on my own, ready to face the world head on with courage and focus. I was just out of high school, just blossoming out of that immature realm. I was lucky, like some, to have a friend of mine attend the same college that I chose...except this friend was a high school crush of mine. I'm not sure if he knew or if he ever knew how I felt about him. He was a sweetheart, very attractive, and shy. My friends and I use to say that this guy was a "closet lady's man." He had everything going for him even though he was quiet and didn't make any indication that he knew. Needless to say I was head-over-heels for him in high school.

In high school, I tried to discretely imply my affections for him, but in the end it was a hopeless endeavor. He started dating some tall, thin stick of a girl. I'm not fat by any means, but at the time I didn't look like most of the girls in my high school. I was way more curvy...bigger breasts, bigger hips, etc. I digress...

I had a rough choice to make in college. My feelings for this guy was rekindled and we would hang out quite often. He was such a sweet guy. There were many times he'd drive me anywhere I needed to go, he'd always have lunch with me, and he came to every performance I was in. But we never officially dated. I think it was two friends who did a lot of things together who had an unspoken attraction. There was a night when I was having some difficult thoughts floating around in my head. Thoughts about the future, about whether or not I was going to continue attending this particular college. I saw him in the stairwell and stopped him. I ask if he felt like an adventure because I could use the company. He smiled with that heart-stopping finesse that couldn't have been practiced.

At 12:30 am you wouldn't think that icecream and tacos would sound very appetizing. Well, now that I think about it, 12:30am may be the ONLY time that would sound like a decent meal. We hung out in the Taco Bell parking lot and chatted for hours. We talked about lots of things, about our futures, where we see ourselves in 5 years, what our thoughts were on marriage, all sorts of things. The subject of  "I have a crush on you" never surfaced. I'll never forget that night. It was a milestone in my life. I didn't know it at the time, but his answer to the question, "When do you think you'll settle down?" became a deciding factor in my future.

Every weekend I would come home to attend church. My college was only a few hours away, so it wasn't a huge burden. Over the summer, when I started attending this church, there was a very handsome musician in the worship band. Muscular, tan, talented...sexy personified. Needless to say I had a crush on him from the moment I saw him. He was quite a bit older than I was, he being 25 and me being 18. We'd banter after church and both of us knew our attraction for each other.

I knew it was coming. I knew I'd have to make a difficult decision. It was Mid-fall, my favorite time of year, and little did I suspect that I'd have to chose between two very attractive, very wonderful gentlemen. By this point, my church crush had told me that he liked me, but my college crush had yet to confront his feelings for me...if there ever was any. I remember going for a long walk, stopping at a tree and sitting down in the grass. My mind was a mess. Who should I choose? Should I go with the one I'm sure has feelings for me, or hold out for my best friend and hope he returns my affections someday? Taco Bell night shot through my head...his answer to the question, "When do you think you'll settle down?" rang in my mind. He told me that he didn't really see himself getting married for another eight years. He had too much he wanted to do before he got married. He told me about how he wanted to make sure he had a house and a good job so he could take care of his family. Its a very noble goal, but I was in a different place in my life. I was ready for love, ready for a serious relationship. I had matured so much, I was already sprinting passed my friends. The realization pierced my heart. If I waited for my college crush to approach me and confess his feelings for me, we could be dating for the next 8 years before the idea of marriage would even come up! That was too long for me to wait around in uncertainty. My church crush was already at that point in his life, he had a house and a job. He was ready to make that next step in his life, so I decided then and there who I would commit to.

I am happy to say I made the right choice. I've been married to my church crush for over 3 years now, and we are still as love-struck and happy as ever. Last night, though, brought turmoil to my mind. Oh how dreams can play tricks with the mind! I'm not sure where I was in the dream, but I do remember sitting at a table. Across from me was him, my college crush, and to my left was an old childhood friend that I haven't seen in years. She looked at the both of us and said,

"I'm sick and tired of all this! You two have been driving everyone nuts with all your unspoken feelings. It's time to get it out on the table and get this over with." She almost seemed like she was going to cry. I remember my stomach sinking and tears trying to fall from my eyes. I remember him sitting there across from me with a serious expression on his face. I knew that I wished to see that classic smile of his, not this worried, uncomfortable stare. To clarify some of my feelings, I hadn't seen my college in three years, until this dream. I felt all those emotions well up in my heart. That yearning feeling of affection was pulsing through my veins. I looked at him, trying not to confront my feelings, but the silence was broken when my childhood friend spoke up.

"I will sit her for eternity if that's what it take to get this all out in the open." I looked at her with fear in my heart. I'm not one for confrontation. I looked over to him and felt courage creep up inside of me. My friend was right, things needed to be said and be brought out in the open. I looked at my crush and asked, 

"Did you ever like me?" Oh how my heart pounded. I could feel a little sweat on my brow from the anticipation of his answer. I waited till I heard his deep voice reply,

"Yes." Here I thought I'd be happy, but I felt more confused inside than ever. My friend cleared her throat and looked at my crush, shaking her head in disappointment. The tension was starting to get to me so I paniced a little.

"Okay, so, you liked me at one point." I paused, feeling my nerves get to me. "Why...didn't you." I started to choke a little. "Why didn't you...say anything." My eyes started to fill with tears as I looked at him. His stern stare turned into a painful woe. I could feel my heart break at the sight. I could see tear welling up in his eyes as he replied.

"You never gave me the chance. You just ran off with someone else and then I didn't get to see you until your wedding day." Bullet to my chest. I remember feeling that death would be a sweeter escape than this. I started to softly cry.

"I'm sorry I didn't..." Before I could finish, he cut me off.

"You broke my heart." If a person could die multiple times, this would have been the moment I would have known what that felt like. My heart was destroyed at this table. All I could do was cry.

"I didn't know you felt that way." I looked into his eyes. "Did you love me?" He looked away.

"Yes, and.." He paused for a moment, looking at the floor. I noticed tears falling from his eyes. "I've never been able to be with anyone ever since. I still love you even though I know I'll never get the chance to show you." My tears began to stream down my face.

"I'm married now." I sniffled as he ran his hands through his hair.

" I know, but" The tears seemed to make small puddles on the table. I wiped my eyes as he continued. "But, I'm still holding on." I gave him a confused look. "I love you and I'd wait my entire life for the hope of being able to show you." His gaze changed to a passionate focus. "I'm willing to wait forever...when you couldn't even wait one day." Everything started to get fuzzy. The last thing I remember seeing was the look of sorrow on my friends face as my bedroom began to come into focus. I laid there, crying. So many horrible emotions from a dream. It felt so real, the tears I was crying in my bed were real. A part of me wanted to believe it was all some kind of cosmic encounter. That our dreams were connected and he was really sitting there at that table, but its too impossible to be true.

Today I sent him a casual message.  I don't know what I hope to accomplish through it. I love my husband with all of my heart and I truly believe that we were made for each other so I don't know what I'm trying to prove. Maybe this dream is telling me that I never got closure with my college crush and that's what I need to pursue. Maybe it's my mind torturing me once more. Perhaps its my true feelings creeping out from the depths of my soul. Whatever the dream means, it did one thing successfully...It brought tears of pain from the hiding places of my heart.

[roxanne]

It could mean so many things; you'll never know, and it's not your fault what you dream.  You do control your actions, however.  Don't go there; it leads nowhere good.  There is NO upside to getting in touch with him.  And the truth is,  if a guy wants to pursue a relationship, he will.  So he probably wanted to be friends.  Regardless, I wouldn't pursue this relationship.