19 year old girl with Clinical depression and MD

[Lee Young Ae]

   I am from India , suffering from MD from around 5 years, In the beginning i never thought that such thing like MD exists... I just thought its normal to self talk or think deeply... I used to think that i am a deep thinker so i think endlessly or some times talk endlessly... but later on it started increasing so much that it affected my life very very badly... it used to consume all my time and i did nothing except day dreaming... I used to get late to college and every day i was made fun infront of every one but still due to this endless day dreaming and self talking i couldnt come out of it... mostly i  talk to myself when ever i get a chance to be alone... and there was only one place where i could get chance to stay alone thats bathroom so i started spending hours in it day dreaming and talking, crying ,laughing to myself ... some times around 5 hours in bathroom!!!!!!!!  and i can day dream whole day and night if i get a chance.... most of my day dreams are about finding a best friend/boyfriend who will listen to me and listen to all my problems etc so i talk to myself imagining a guy who is willing to listen to me and try to help me.. some times after watching movie i stay in that world of movie and i  cant come out of it for hours... i talk to myself and get emotional abt the characters and i feel like i m the part of that movie... and i self talk.... now a day due to  my severe low self esteem i m getting day dreaming /self talking abt being appreciated by public... i mean i day dream like every one is willing to listen to me and every one is appreciating me and loving me... and i m showing off my all skills and i dream like i m having all the skills and i m so beautiful etc etc but in real i m a waste i have no talent nor good looks...... I have gone through severe neglect in life and physical abuse by my family.... and verbal abuse in school , college.... i have been made fun of by people.... now i want to go to psychiatrist but i guess no one will believe that i have  MD ... last time when i went to psychologist he said its just '' satisfaction of your fantasies '' i am even afraid to show them abt MD bcoz they may think that '' we are docs and we know every thing and they may not believe us '' they may think that its our ''feeling'' thats all.... :'( I need help..... pls  do some thing about it...  My life is hell now due to clinical depression and this MD :'(

[Pascale]

Im happy I made you happy. I hope you be better soon.

[Lee Young Ae]

Thanks a lot every one for reading this and supporting me.... Love you all ♥♥♥

[Lee Young Ae]

+Greyartist Yes you are right... may be after the treatment i may be better :) Thanks a lot every one for the support and reading this .... 

[Lee Young Ae]

+Iris 

Awww... Your comment is so heart touching ♥♥ I can relate to it well.. its like you understood what exactly i felt like... yes a child who is neglected by parents, teachers and friends, and society becomes like this.... now my relations with my family are so so..... i mean now i m in hostel... i dont call them unless its important... they are talking to me well now... now a days they came to know my value a little... but here in hostel i feel alone ..... i dont know why.... i dont have any official ''best friend'' now... i used to have them but all the time my heart got broken and they left me.... I am alone..... i have friends but i m not deeply or emotionally involved with them bcoz i m scared that  they may break my heart ... i m afraid of making some one best friend.. so i always maintain a ''space'' with them... .but yes.. one of your lines touched my heart ''that sad little helpless girl is still inside me '' even though i am 19 now my heart is not able to take out those bitter memories and inside i m still that small shy helpless girl... even though i grown up.... i may be a Lady by looks but inside i m still the same even though i m trying a lot i cant able to be Strong lady ....lets see how things will change after i go to psychiatrist 

[Lee Young Ae]

+Pascale Hello.  

Your comment made me very happy... Thank you so much for the support... A hug from me too :) ♥ I will try to talk abt depression with psychiatrist 

[Lee Young Ae]

+Tarso Hello....  Yes you are right ... I may not deserve it but i cant do any thing about it .... I am helpless... Lets see if going to psychiatrist may help me or not.... lets wait and watch :)

[Lee Young Ae]

#Samidha Yes you are right sis, I guess its an outlet of your emotions and it helps us to maintain the balance... and to make us happy we may get these day dreams...... but according to the ''world'' its considered as abnormal to self talk or to dream all time .... But i want to live in those dreams all the time bcoz i want to escape from this bitter reality

[samurai]

  from my childhood, i am an introvert personality and do self-talk. Sometimes, I couldn't control them; but I think it's better to let your emotions flow at least once to let it go.

  According to psychology, your mind try to think positive to support you in your depression(e.g you have dreams which sooth you, you try to focus on your inner talent in your DD). But, where we squeeze is we are afraid of doing what we want, we think about crowd. 

  Think for your happiness now. do what you love and you will probably get the result.

Out there many like you and we will fight together. Cheers! :)

[taffle]

Hello and welcome to wild minds.

I can relate to the DD and the self talk. I self talk everyday when I'm by myself.

It's sad to hear that you've been harassed and made fun of. You don't deserve such treatment.

There are depression and social anxiety forums on the internet. They sure helped me release my thoughts and guide me on the path to healing.

[Pascale]

Hi Lee Young Ae,

You can get a hug from me too. If there is something we can call a i-hug. (If not I just invented it)

I do not belive you that you are " a waste i have no talent nor good looks". You surely are a very nice person with a lot of talent waiting to be revealed. And you are much better person than every one of them who have abused you, neglegected you or mocked you. Next time you are in the bathroom use 5 min to look at youself in the miror and tell yourself that.

I agree with greyartist about psychatrist. They know much more about depression so begynn with speaking about depression. Good luck.