Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
It's been 7 years of being a maladaptive daydreamer.
It started during high school. My parents had gotten divorced, I hated how I looked physically, I had been bullied enough to have to change of school, and my sister, who was my biggest friend, left home to study abroad. I felt completely lonely and disgusted every time I looked at myself in the mirror. I had massive acne breakouts, I never fully developed "as a woman is supposed to" and people made fun of my small breasts and how hairy I was.
Looking back, it's not surprising why I started daydreaming in the first place. After all, I thought "How could anyone love me?". So, I started to create stories in my head where people would admire me. Call me narcissistic–and perhaps I am to some degree–by all my daydreams were about people admiring me, and falling in love with much older men (men I knew in person, or maybe were famous, powerful, and rich). I looked amazing, I could dance and sing so well that I became the most famous person on the internet (talk about being narcissistic lol).
Although at first, it was a relief to have this imaginary world I would always turn to in times of difficulties, seeing it now in hindsight, I wished I had never daydreamed in the first place. Yes, it's beautiful to feel the emotions that come with these daydreams, but the emotions are never-lasting, and at some point, you have to return to the real world. And when that happens, it's a horrible feeling of pain and regret. Because you realize that everything you have created in your head is not real–and has never been. The people you built connections with are not real. The person you have made up for 7 years, she's not real. Nothing is real, and you wonder how much potential you wasted by pacing uncontrollably in your room for 5 hours non-stop, or spending countless nights sleeping 3 hours because you decided to put on your headphones and daydream away.
I feel desperate and hopeless. I feel so alone in this because I don't know anyone in real life who is an MD. I don't want to make MD a part of my life anymore. I want to stop it and move on. I need to, because it has ruined my relationships, my career, my every aspect of life.
I have come here to ask for advice and possibly chat with someone who also suffers from this.