It's been 7 years of being a maladaptive daydreamer.

It started during high school. My parents had gotten divorced, I hated how I looked physically, I had been bullied enough to have to change of school, and my sister, who was my biggest friend, left home to study abroad. I felt completely lonely and disgusted every time I looked at myself in the mirror. I had massive acne breakouts, I never fully developed "as a woman is supposed to" and people made fun of my small breasts and how hairy I was. 

Looking back, it's not surprising why I started daydreaming in the first place. After all, I thought "How could anyone love me?". So, I started to create stories in my head where people would admire me. Call me narcissistic–and perhaps I am to some degree–by all my daydreams were about people admiring me, and falling in love with much older men (men I knew in person, or maybe were famous, powerful, and rich). I looked amazing, I could dance and sing so well that I became the most famous person on the internet (talk about being narcissistic lol).

Although at first, it was a relief to have this imaginary world I would always turn to in times of difficulties, seeing it now in hindsight, I wished I had never daydreamed in the first place. Yes, it's beautiful to feel the emotions that come with these daydreams, but the emotions are never-lasting, and at some point, you have to return to the real world. And when that happens, it's a horrible feeling of pain and regret. Because you realize that everything you have created in your head is not real–and has never been. The people you built connections with are not real. The person you have made up for 7 years, she's not real. Nothing is real, and you wonder how much potential you wasted by pacing uncontrollably in your room for 5 hours non-stop, or spending countless nights sleeping 3 hours because you decided to put on your headphones and daydream away. 

I feel desperate and hopeless. I feel so alone in this because I don't know anyone in real life who is an MD. I don't want to make MD a part of my life anymore. I want to stop it and move on. I need to, because it has ruined my relationships, my career, my every aspect of life. 

I have come here to ask for advice and possibly chat with someone who also suffers from this. 

Thank you!

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Comment by Kave on November 4, 2023 at 1:49am

I have never seen people in the world so involved with this disorder. My prayers are with you, young lady

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 2, 2023 at 5:59pm

I must add this. I've always wanted to get out there, and form bondings with a certain crowd of people, just experience life on a whole new level. Sort of like a television series. I find my life is boring and sedate...it just goes nowhere. I sit at my computer at home, eat, work, sleep...do the same thing next day. My life is not a story, it's a BIG rutty nothing. There's no meaning and today I felt existential, because I haven't really socialized since the pandemic broke and I stopped working in office. Reason my life got too quiet is parental expectations. And my family learned about my Maladaptive daydreaming, which only made me more stuck. Now my mom worries that wherever I go in society, I might make others think I'm a lunatic—for the fact I daydream. When really, I'm lonely and in need of a friend. That's why we have TV and film, they are made to get us away from our reality. Problem is I took it a step too far. Now everybody knows or finds out ultimately that I dream! Real way to make a good set of friends is to be honest with yourself, be normal and cool, and learn the customs of socializing adequately. That way you'll build a life of social fun. Trick is not everybody is going to like us. I don't doubt it's a rollercoaster. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 2, 2023 at 5:21pm

I used to be narcissistic myself. I wasn't ever a likeable person, had too many weaknesses and no friends. Like you I escaped this disappointment by living in other worlds, where I had relationships and everybody admired me, Yes. It couldn't go unnoticed and I wound up in big trouble with my family, and other people. I regret ever starting daydreaming, because it actually effected my life. It fill me with regret and pain, all these stories about going on journeys with people who were never real. The reality that I still face to this day really sucks. That is just life, it has it's ups and downs, and we do have to deal with it. To be perfectly honest, I'm still not happy with myself. 

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