Where wild minds come to rest
My MDD used to be wild in my teens, even so heavy in my 20's. By my 30's, my mind has gone idle and I don't know how,
or even care to pick up old interests, even learn new interests. It's actually very disturbing. All I know is just sitting there and staring at practically nothing, while endless wandering into the fictional "World of Jessica." I spent years wanting things to happen to me, such as a career break and relationship, and nothing came true, well, because I was excessive daydreamer. Everybody knows you have to work hard to win over all of this, and I learned a little too late. I honestly don't know how to get myself attuned to my extrovert surroundings. So, I really wish I hadn't started this MDD business.
This may sound rough, but I had the daylights scared out of me. I began to get real. I looked back at what I did in the past and learned why things didn't work out. I lived in my very own imaginative world. This really creeped me out so much, that it was electrifying. It took me a few years to gradually leave MDD. It's harder than it sounds. You remind yourself to quit, but the day dreams still come back. You have to tell yourself, "This isn't real. This isn't possible for me." I panicked for months and months at my wrongdoings and my false belief systems. I realized there could've been a slight chance I succeeded in something, if I hadn't done MDD at all. It's scary realizing how much life you wasted getting lost in your head.
That's exactly what happened to me last April. I thought I was insane for what I was doing, but after finding that it was an actual thing that other people went through too and there was a name for it, it sort of validated my habits. I felt more normal for daydreaming that much and allowed myself to do it more. I'm still trying to fight them back and learn to control my thoughts.
Yeah, still to this day, whenever I have an interesting idea or listen to exciting music, I flap hands or clap my lap, pace or gyrate, and my eyes wonder all over the room. I will have a grin on my face. My family will ask, "whatcha laughing at?...or what's over there that's so amusing? I will even laugh at inappropriate "unhappy" scenes in movies by accident, because I'm amused by my own thoughts, at the same time. So in future, I suddenly clasp my hands over my face, just before my family notices. I've been doing this same thing since I was practically a baby, which is so weird.