Frustration

[Anima]

Do you guys ever feel frustrated when your daydreams don't come true? Not necessarily the daydreams themselves, but the emotions that come with them? Like they're so close, but just out of reach, and if so, how do you deal with the frustration?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to be pained that I wasn't dating and entering relationships. I crossed people's minds that I don't talk. They often commented and strutted off. I guess, it makes a person look so awkward. If I were to meet up with people for a conversation, I would've changed as a person, and said some words now and then. I probably still would've heard the question, "are you tired?" but what can I do? Some people are born to be chatty, and others aren't. I think that I leave a strong impression on people that I don't socialize, therefore I have no friends. When I was a young kid, I didn't understand the big deal. I can only think, I spent so much time daydreaming. I didn't seem to realize how strongly I impacted the feelings of others around me. So when I started to get manipulated, and bullied, I had no idea why they were doing it. Now I know today! Plus I was the only one around with Asperger syndrome. 

To top it, I had no idea, to most normal people, I was living in my own world. I thought what I was doing was normal and OK, and I'll eventually be finding boyfriends when I'm grown up, going on world wide trips and attending a few post-secondary schools, even launching a career. Everything just went downhill (hem hem) for the fact I was actually a daydreamer. I'm not even living as I should for my age, am still with my mother. Everything in reality was vice-versa to my dream-escape belief system.

[Mace Winter]

Our experiences are so different.

It seems you were able to find some kind of safety and respite at home with family. I wonder how comfortable you feel in that environment? If you manage to find it tolerable to live with them, maybe you’ll find a man with whom you can feel similarly comfortable and have the relationship you seem to be looking for? I know people who don’t talk much. I’ve learned to listen closely to those who don’t speak much because when they do have something to say, it is important.

I haven’t been a big talker either. I have always chosen activities that allow me to be alone in a group. For example: I used to be a runner - I enjoyed large organized runs where there were hundreds of people involved but you really don’t talk to anyone. I also was an avid cyclist - again, an activity you do with others but don’t really talk. I also am a backpacker - an activity where I get to go alone into the woods for days at a time. I call them solo-group activities.

As for the idea that our world is so much different than everyone else’s, meh. I don’t really care any more. Having met lots of people, I know I don’t want to be a part of their world. I often find myself thinking they are living the lie. They pretend to fit in and they act as if they’re comfortable all the time. I prefer believing that as oddball as I am, at least I am being true to myself. I’d rather be me than one of those who spend all their time trying to make others believe they’re something special. That seems more exhausting to me!

I didn’t feel comfortable at home as a kid so I left young and ended up living and working at a ski resort in Colorado. I got to live in seasonal housing (a tiny hotel room) by myself and when I wasn’t actively working I could be alone in my room, walking around town or skiing the mountain. It was blissful.

May I ask what you’re hoping to see change for yourself? Realistically, what changes would make your life more satisfying? Sorry if that’s too personal.

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You sound like you have an amazing life. You've met many people. You've tried all sorts of adventurous hobbies. Home is comforting to some degree, but I happen to be dealing with mother troubles right now. She's not always pleasant at times, and I have to endure. 

"Maybe you’ll find a man with whom you can feel similarly comfortable and have the relationship you seem to be looking for?" I have the intuition you are correct. I have this feeling it will eventually happen. 

"May I ask what you’re hoping to see change for yourself?" I would like to be independent for sure. I live in a family, where my father wants me to practically follow in his foot steps in some form. He's a successful architect, and I'm a digital media artist. I find it hard to fulfill his wishes. I guess, money means so much to my dad, so he was tenacious as to keep me on track, gathering better opportunities, and hopefully becoming richer. That's just the way it is. So I stayed home much longer than I expected. If he didn't care and let me do whatever job is out there, I would've moved out long ago. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You seem like social butterfly to me, and extravert. 

[Mace Winter]

Isn’t perspective an amazing looking glass! 

I think it’s you who have had wonderful opportunities and experiences. A supportive, encouraging family is something I always wanted, but didn’t exist. When I mentioned I left home young I didn’t mention why I did so. It was due to being a member of a terrible family environment filled with chaos and instability. I was blessed to find a “tribe” which took me in and treated me well, but I would have much rather had a supportive family structure. Yet, reading about your life informs me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side even if it seems to be. 

I like to have faith someone as eloquent and introspective as you seem to be will find what she is looking for in terms of a relationship. We all deserve happiness, safety, security and stability in our lives. I remain determined to stay open to the notion that the best is yet to come, and that I can find beauty in each day between now and then. I want that for you too - faith that tomorrow is full of possibilities.

Independence? I get that. I have always been more comfortable feeling as if my decisions are my own as is the outcome of decisions I make. I suppose having a supportive family comes with their well intentioned nudges to do what they think is best for you? That could be difficult to handle. I hope they respect your boundaries. As an adult you ought to be able to say no without feeling as if you’re somehow in the wrong. Have you read anything by the author, “Ayn Rand”? She wrote several really good novels all of which have strong female lead characters. I always recommend these books to women because, somehow, over time, women have lost some of their power. This author reminds you how a woman can be strong in the very best ways, I would recommend, “Atlas Shrugged”, “We The Living”, and “The Fountainhead.”

Well, I’ve got to run some errands, and I’m guessing you’re working on something digitally artistic (which I want to hear more about, by the way), so I must sign off. I look forward to our next conversation.

Until then,

M

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, this week I'm job hunting, I freelance remotely, and oddly the company has no projects for me whatsoever. Usually I'm rendering digital products and in-store displays for a retailer. The weekly hours are only 2-10. So I'm throwing my resume around at boutiques and services. Hope to build up clientele.

I'm actually stunned that I am still with my family. I do have a good family, but my dad acts like he just wants me to get the heck out. He persuades me about work progress whoever he can. So I am determined to be independent early as possible. I'm like a grown adult who still can't get her shit together. It's so unbelievable. I happen to be a millennial. Long story short. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's funny, it never occurred to me how self-absorbed I've been, let alone how differently I've been viewing the world from other people. My thoughts and views would've been outlandish to just about anyone. I didn't ever find anybody who understood me in that light. Maybe on the way I'll meet somebody special who shares things in common with me, can even read my mind, if that's possible. I never had that success before. People often get perplexed and frustrated, and just simply don't understand me, don't buy what I'm talking about. Next thing I know, they just disappear from my site, forever maybe. We're all human. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 

[Mace Winter]

I find that people spend way too much time listening to the words people say and way too little time watching their actions. What I mean is, for example, I have a friend from Viet Nam. His family immigrated to the US in the 1970’s, when my friend was just a baby. Anyway, he once told me that two people can say the same thing to him and from one the words are offensive and from the other the words are not offensive. Thanh said by knowing someone’s heart through time shared together and conversations he can tell if something said was meant to be rude or just a cultural misstep. After that conversation I began to (try) to look at people differently. Instead of feeling judged by someone, for example, I might just accept that they didn’t know what they said felt judgy. 

Now, I am a bit better at staying level headed when people get perplexed or frustrated with me, if they’re people I trust, because I know their heart isn’t trying to hurt me. That was a long way of responding to your notion of finding someone who can read your mind. Maybe it’s as much about us reading their heart as it is about them reading our mind?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Reading their heart, I see what you mean. It's about finding someone who can ready your heart. Over words. Yeah, I can't say I didn't meet someone who can do that. I have a local art teacher, and she is one of few who can do that. Most people take it by words we say, and think, "what is she talking about?? Lose this person." 

[Mace Winter]

I think that’s true. I want it to be true anyway, because I’m not always the best communicator so I want the people I care about to see my heart and not only receive my message from my awkward outer presentation.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I did meet good individuals who didn't judge. There's just very few of them. I can't believe I didn't keep their emails and numbers. I still chat with a BFF on Facebook, who I met as a teenager. We stayed good friends because she was very accepting, and she didn't see me for my social awkward exterior.

Other people have been offended by my words and reactions, they usually showed this by staring at me so intently or critically, and even looked at me with unease like I needed therapy. Apparently I grew up around many personalities I found it hard to relate with. Only very few were great people who opened up more to accepting me. 

That's probably why I didn't go on dates...even marry. OK. I think being a talented and gifted intellect comes with a cost, facing life on your own. But you'll never know...I could actually find a person who I can be comfortable with and share things in common. 

[Mace Winter]

The fact that you’ve had people in your life with whom you have felt comfortable and connected suggests you are capable of finding that special person with whom you can comfortably be yourself. Imagine the feeling of not being on edge when having conversations, of trusting that a misstep isn’t the fatal end of a friendship/relationship. Imagine knowing that an argument is just a disagreement and not the end of the relationship. Imagine, “I’m sorry” being enough and then the rest of the day goes on as a regular day.

I want that for you. Hell, I want that for me too! And I want it for everyone. I like to think that just behind the mask we all wear lie the same insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, and that some people are just better at hiding it then I.

Facing life on your own is difficult at times. I know. I do have friends, but mostly I enjoy time on my own and my friends each know a little different version of who I am - as much as I have been able to share with them individually. Dating became hard for me quite a few years ago. I would meet a woman I was interested in and begin dating. After a while it became too emotionally difficult and I would end things, leaving the woman hurt and confused as to why I would end what seemed like a good thing for no apparent reason. At a point I decided that I didn’t want to be that guy who dated people knowing it would end and they’d get hurt. So, I stopped dating altogether some years ago. It is tough sometimes, but I don’t want to hurt others. It isn’t fair. It isn’t okay. It isn’t who I want to be.

M