Father is dying, so I retreat to daydreams more intensely

[Steve C]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Mostly I was doing OK, not having my daydreams interfere too much with my daily life. Sometimes I would go for days without doing it and not even think about it.

Within this past year, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He was on chemotherapy for a while but his body did not take it well and it did not slow the cancer at all. 3 months ago, he was given 3 months left to live.

They started a new treatment, and his body has been doing better on it, and the cancer hasn't grown. I started to feel a lot better, because he was doing well and seemed to be getting better every day. As a self-idealization daydreamer, I found it difficult to try to daydream about my wanted future scenarios as I couldn't be sure my dad would be in it. I always daydreamed about getting a new house, but now with my father, I can't move out and leave him and my mother like that.

Then this past Saturday on my birthday, we were all at my sisters house for my party. My father said something wasn't right and his hand was shaking. When the paramedics got there, I watched as they surrounded him, and he had a seizure. I've never seen anyone have a seizure, let alone my father. It was very jarring. Later in the hospital, I was holding his hand, and he had another seizure. He's in stable condition now.

Needless to say, I'm very shaken up, those visions haunt me. I don't want to go back to work (I'm taking PTO for a while), and I can't stop thinking about the past, becoming very nostalgic. I've always been nostalgic, but now I feel like it's consuming me to a whole new level.

I live in the same house I've lived my whole life (I just turned 30), and I walk around the house all day, and remember random things from all my life. Sometimes they're vivid, and after a while it starts to feel like my friends and family from that time are still around in that form. My friends have all gotten married, had kids, their own house. I'm still in the same place, doing the same line of work, with no advancement. And, I seem to be the only one that has a major issue with forgetting about my past.

I like daydreaming about being able to relive my life. Sometimes I imagine I just wake up being a kid, and re-experiencing everything. Other times I imagine that in the future there is a way to re-experience your life in a matrix type setup. Actually, as far-fetched as it sounds, somehow I believe that ti will be possible to relive those experiences in the future. It's kind of a hope I hold on to.

All I know is, I get some intense swings of relief and despair all in a short time frame, over and over again, by daydreaming, and walking around my house. I know things can't go back to the way they were, but it almost feels like they can when you have a computer and are able to look at pictures and tv shows and websites about stuff from back then. I can load up video games that are of great nostalgic value to me, from playing with my friends. Although now, it's just me, in a dark room playing them by myself, 20 years later.

[Ulaan Gom]

Wow, I can't even imagine how tough that must me. My best wishes go out towards your father. Right now, I would advise that you go easy on yourself, and take care of yourself. Although things seem terrible right now, they will get better guaranteed. Always remember that. Best of luck.