I have no title

[Zoe]

Another whiny, non coherent rant from me I have pretty much said the same thing in all of them, but I find writing it out cathartic. 

It make me sick how happy my daydreams make me, I feel sick to the stomach after I find myself laughing out loud at things I'm thinking about,  or imitating my character's gestures. I want to feel like that in reality, I want to live the life that I imagine, but I can't. It makes me miserable thinking about the fact that I am not that person. I'm sick sick sick sick of it. I hate this feeling. 

My anxiety has gotten terrible. For instance I don't sleep at all. Every time I'm at the brink of sleep, I jolt up because I feel like I'm dying. I feel like in that moment my heart has disappeared. And every time I place my hand on my heart to see if I have a heart beat I swear  I don't feel a thing.  In my state of panic I rush out into the hallway to find my mom thinking maybe if she see's me collapse she can call an ambulance or something.I've had these episodes before but they've never been THIS severe. Recently this has been happening 3-4 times a night if not more, an its made me terrified to go to sleep. Worst thing is I can't do anything about it, and although my mom is concerned she doesn't really understand how bad it is (I've tried expressing it to her, I've even completely broken down crying on several occasions, but I guess I wasn't convincing enough.)

Social situations, or even the thought/planning of them have become a huge issue fore me too. I don't know what to do, I'm so terrified of going out with people. I'm not scared of the people just the idea of it. I try to weasel myself out of everything by formulating excuses and lies. It makes me so stressed and has a huge impact on me physically I start shaking and become extremely nervous and jittery, and I don't understand why I do this because there is actually nothing to be afraid of but I put myself through this every single time ,and I don't know what to do. wow long sentence.

So just like in every other rant , I'm trying to express that I am really tiered of struggling with this. 

[taffle]

You're not alone. I get anxious/nervous easily by so many things, especially social situations.  The life in my head is richer than the life outside of my head.