Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

Yes I know it's another stupid blog about me but I'm sure you might be interested in hearing... So um yeah well here it goes, Life is far too full of disappointments for me so much so that I just go as far as I can to push people away from me. It's not like I try to hard people are very judgmental about me anyways, but in any case I do try. There was one point about a few months ago where I had made up this whole thing about not liking a president in order to try to push away girl who is being mean to me in class. I guess it worked... Another time there was this guy who had likes me his name being Marcus and I did not feel the same way so I asked and it up at this point where I-where I just started you know-trying not to talk to him. It wasn't necessarily because I hated him or anything it was because I just don't feel like putting up with other human beings. People can be so awful and cruel towards one another that it just destroys everything. I don't want to live this life where I have so many social contacts I can't even remember which person is which. Haha there was one time where I really did like the guy. I knew he didn't care, I knew nothing I did would work, but I was so foolish to have asked him if he felt the same way. And it ended as expected... Before then I knew my feelings well, but I did not want him to see this. I did not want rejection or feeling. I tried pushing him away... I tried. I can't quite remember what crap I had spoke but it somehow had something to do with dinosaurs and religion or something. I wanted him to criticize me. To tell me I was wrong. To say,"wow you're the most idiotic person I know, I wish I never met you." Or something Along those lines but he just stared at me like I was crazy yet said nothing... I just continued to speak more garbage but he still said nothing. It was awful, more awful than someone telling me they hate me or being told of my stupidity. I just wanted him to stop staring at me during lunch. I had thought he was staring at my (false) friend but when I broke her off of me I found him again, staring at me even when I had scurried off to a new place. It was not true though, because he did not care of me(maybe he did just like her, at the time most guys who I favored ended up with her anyways especially with her aid). I think he must have had some staring problem, perhaps. How should I know. What I do know is no matter what, I will never find myself in that position again. I can never forgive myself for being so stupid. I cannot and must not become anymore attached than just friends. I cannot live with being merely stared at. I do not want to have sentiments with others because I know that no one will be capable of feeling any form of love for me what so ever. I am disgustingly underweight, I have a horrid condition in which I must quite literally peel the skin off of my body(a form of OCD), I have a prominent rub cage and joints due to my constant weightloss, my facial features are undesirable, my color blindness is a condition that not only impairs me but also associates me with dogs and masculinity. . . I think it is being underweight that makes me most self conscious. With a BMI of 12 I feel like I am not more than a bag of pronging bones and the ocassional grey matter. I'll always push those I love away. I am disgusting and unlovable. There is not much more I can say. Someone would have to be absolutely blind to care of me. I am but the disgust one might retch of.

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Comment by MatthewR on November 29, 2013 at 8:22pm

Many years ago I had this overwhelming urge to disappear - to make myself so thin that I could just wink out of existence or something. I was terribly underweight. At the age of 21 I was a little over 100 pounds, and I, too, had a very prominent rib cage, joints, etc. Even to this day I have to force myself to eat sometimes, because I just get so disgusted with it.

Also, I tend to push people away. I keep to myself most of the time, because I get very uncomfortable around others. I feel like I'm being stared at, or I just feel paranoid. Some days I want nothing to do with others, and some days i just want to talk to one person. I don't know, but I have always felt odd, like I don't really belong anywhere. I don't know how much of this is just me, as in nature, or something I have learned, as in nurture. Sometimes I just DD to keep from feeling so anxious.

You're definitely not alone. It's just, idk, very, very hard. I can relate. Take care! 

Comment by ShellyBelly on November 29, 2013 at 6:13pm

Well the gist of my otherwise very long comment was that you have to recognize that your feeling disgusted with yourself if temporary. It how you feel in the moment and you don't have to attach long term attitudes to short term feelings. Also, try to find out exactly why you feel the way you do. Do you feel like you want to push people away because you feel like you want to reject them before they reject you? Do you just find it hard to maintain intrapaersonal relationships? Try to figure it out and then work from there. Also, find the things you dislike about yourself and force yourself to find three positive things about each. For example, being underweight: 1.You can always be sure there is something ft you.(Unlike us bigger gals! LOL!) 2. Many people wish they were your size. Trust me! 3. You are less likely to develop certain diseases and conditions associated with being overweight. And to the same thing for color blindness. Maybe you can bring a unique feminine perspective to it. Just determine that no matter what, you are going to accept that you do deserve love. Even if you don't feel it now, just decide. Just go a whole day in total positivity and self acceptance and examine your feelings. Butterflies take time to change and it is worth it. Stay encourages. Best wishes! :-)

Comment by ShellyBelly on November 29, 2013 at 6:00pm

Oh no. I am sorry Miska. I posted a comment and accidentally deleted it. Did you get to see it?

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