Yes I know it's another stupid blog about me but I'm sure you might be interested in hearing... So um yeah well here it goes, Life is far too full of disappointments for me so much so that I just go as far as I can to push people away from me. It's not like I try to hard people are very judgmental about me anyways, but in any case I do try. There was one point about a few months ago where I had made up this whole thing about not liking a president in order to try to push away girl who is being mean to me in class. I guess it worked... Another time there was this guy who had likes me his name being Marcus and I did not feel the same way so I asked and it up at this point where I-where I just started you know-trying not to talk to him. It wasn't necessarily because I hated him or anything it was because I just don't feel like putting up with other human beings. People can be so awful and cruel towards one another that it just destroys everything. I don't want to live this life where I have so many social contacts I can't even remember which person is which. Haha there was one time where I really did like the guy. I knew he didn't care, I knew nothing I did would work, but I was so foolish to have asked him if he felt the same way. And it ended as expected... Before then I knew my feelings well, but I did not want him to see this. I did not want rejection or feeling. I tried pushing him away... I tried. I can't quite remember what crap I had spoke but it somehow had something to do with dinosaurs and religion or something. I wanted him to criticize me. To tell me I was wrong. To say,"wow you're the most idiotic person I know, I wish I never met you." Or something Along those lines but he just stared at me like I was crazy yet said nothing... I just continued to speak more garbage but he still said nothing. It was awful, more awful than someone telling me they hate me or being told of my stupidity. I just wanted him to stop staring at me during lunch. I had thought he was staring at my (false) friend but when I broke her off of me I found him again, staring at me even when I had scurried off to a new place. It was not true though, because he did not care of me(maybe he did just like her, at the time most guys who I favored ended up with her anyways especially with her aid). I think he must have had some staring problem, perhaps. How should I know. What I do know is no matter what, I will never find myself in that position again. I can never forgive myself for being so stupid. I cannot and must not become anymore attached than just friends. I cannot live with being merely stared at. I do not want to have sentiments with others because I know that no one will be capable of feeling any form of love for me what so ever. I am disgustingly underweight, I have a horrid condition in which I must quite literally peel the skin off of my body(a form of OCD), I have a prominent rub cage and joints due to my constant weightloss, my facial features are undesirable, my color blindness is a condition that not only impairs me but also associates me with dogs and masculinity. . . I think it is being underweight that makes me most self conscious. With a BMI of 12 I feel like I am not more than a bag of pronging bones and the ocassional grey matter. I'll always push those I love away. I am disgusting and unlovable. There is not much more I can say. Someone would have to be absolutely blind to care of me. I am but the disgust one might retch of.