Where wild minds come to rest
I am doing this because i feel like it will be good for me. I know i got MD through a form of protection but now i'm too bubble wrapped by it and it's suffocating. It's why i've been depressed and anxious and have fear of social events. What i do is i imagine my idealised self- i imagine people complimenting me and how great my work is- i picture fun evenings with friends i don't have (even though i do, their all just far away) I picture myself with no worry and full of happiness. I used to think it was a dream, a goal to strive for, but now i realise it's been fool's gold all this time. i realise the things in my head won't come true because you can't decide things that happen in the future, you'll never know what age you'll get married at, who you'll meet along the way, secret interests you never knew you had. And it's shaken me. It's like I've just woken up. I'm just rubbing my eyes to adjust to the light. That's the stage i'm at.
I realise my happiness is not real. That i am delusional and my own enemy. I used to blame my sadness on shit friends, shit boyfriends, family tiffs, my confidence... but i'm sad because i'm not in my daydreams. I used to write and write and it was the only thing i ever wanted to do. I'd print all the movie scripts i wrote off and edit them by hand, i'd draw storyboards and cut shots with music. I was in my own world then, but that was different. I wasn't split. I live a life in halves. The one i hate, where i cry everyday and struggle. And the one i use like a drug to get my dose of dopamine i'm usually missing. When i cry, i calm myself down by daydreaming, and it's the same reaction as if you've given a five year old who's fallen over and grazed their knee, a lollipop. I calm instantly, walk it off and forget what even happened. I don't deal with it, i mask it now. My MD serves as a distraction, it lures the bad thoughts away while i'm dreaming of possibilities.
I've noticed, the places i do not daydream is with my friend Lex. I go to her house and it does not happen at all. Because i'm happy there and she's a really good friend. I don't daydream when i'm singing because i'm happy to be there and learn.
I can flicker in and out of my MD like a flame. You can talk to me and i can imagine my reply, and then one of my characters would reply as well, and then i can picture a perfect moment., all before i actually reply with something much simpler. It's why my memory is so bad... i've never really listened to what people are saying, i don't catch it all. Even if someones upset, i still flicker. This is why i've had enough. I can not keep going on like this. I hurt myself and others around me. I'm not an introvert but i can't leave the house because i have no place to be.
I'm a movie person and when i was growing up i always loved Peter Pan, i was so intrigued that a boy could lose his shadow. I feel like that in someway, like my MD is the shadow thats out of control, got it's own freedom, while i'm chasing it... but (excuse the cliche) i'm litrally just chasing my own shadow. And thats what it feels like to imagine a life you want and do absolutely shit all about it because you'd rather think of it instead. Less effort i guess. Maybe a comfort thing. But i want my dreams in my own hands, i want to feel the happiness with the air i breath, i want to find that trouble making shadow, sew it to my feet and walk with it as one again. I have potential, and i'd like to show people it.
So a few days ago i started my recovery. I forced myself not to daydream and it was brilliant. I started writing again and i could of cried with happiness. It came so easily, there was no fog to get through, i just did it as simple as anyone else and it spurred me on to continue. But it is hard and i live a life i'm not happy with. My ex gives me hell in class, my friends are all over the country and my lil sis is going through her pre-madonna phase, yelling at everything that moves. I take a lot of shit, people undermining me and believing they know me better than i know myself. I haven't made a 'own' decision in a long time because i'm persuaded out of it. So i'm a little weak in areas and thats were MD saw the cracks it could slip through 'It was a rough day, just imagining a boyfriends there to cheer you up won't hurt' i self sabotaged. Today i did the same thing, i was in class, finished all my work and began to imagine again. I sometimes don't realise i'm doing it.
Well this year is the year of me. i found my flaw early on, it's only been a few years now i've had it. I thought it was harmless, but looking back, it was at the heart of all my problems. I understand why i did it, i'm not angry at MD i just want to break up with it. So, New Years resolutions, 1) Assert my opinion (no more push over me- i'm fucking strong now) 2) Stop MD 3) Work towards my dream 4) Get healthy and 5) Just to be fucking happy ;)
Thanks for reading,