Thirty-Nine and Still Dreaming

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I still MD from time to time, even though I'm already 39. I believed that I quit, but eventually it came back, but that's not the point. 

I wanted things since I was very young. I figured by the time I was in my 30's, I'd have a house, and be married with kids. I must've been joking my pants off, because these things aren't easy to get today. Clearly. MD made me believe things that I need will come around if I wait long enough. Here's the harsh truth. Things don't come over to you—you make sure it happens. I basically went around MD'ing my brains out, making myself look loony in front of lots of people—just to find out 25 years down the road that I got nowhere, because of what I did. 

Now I'm broken and all by myself, meanwhile everybody else's life goals have come true. My parents are both going to retire, and won't have the funds to keep my comfortable. 

Also, I ask myself, why on earth did I think anybody would care about my satisfaction? Did I ever care about them, or even speak up to them? Even though I tried to get them to like me, what if it still didn't work out? I broke up with my best friend of 20 years quite recently. She felt we simply didn't have anything in common, and we used to be so chummy. 

All I can think of is I wasn't "forward going," in an aggressive, outspoken, and enterprising way. I was passive, quiet, timid and somewhere else. So I got no respect, and no friends...but I mean, practice makes perfect, right. 

Like my dad once mentioned to me, "Good things in life are just not given to you in a pretty gift box with a bow on top." 

[vasya]

damn it must've been tough
how about taking a jog around the block?
then take a notebook and list next steps?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, good idea

[vasya]

but after doing what i proposed you will feel good. try not to fall to DD because of this good feeling tho.