Digging myself in deep with daydreaming

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Unsure if I was foolish towards life. I'm a neurodivergent who is naturally a daydreamer from birth. I always wanted a life of friends and relationships that never was. Well, I seem to affect people to an extent they don't like me, get unpleasant, and start cursing, snapping and yelling at me, like I'm being the jerk. I didn't grow up learning any valuable social skills and hardly interacted, always kept to myself in my own head, living in fictional worlds, but not waking up to life and paying attention to real people. Being an atypical, I struggle with social interaction and communication, but daydreaming seems to add fuel to the fire. I just lose the ability to make friends and form relationships. Maybe they feel like I'm not interested in them or I'm ignoring them or I don't care, and I'm being al bitch with a serious attitude problem. Like, maybe they find me cold and hostile. But on the inside, I'm just innocently daydreaming and contemplating life, enjoying the music, motions, and visuals weaving in my mind, minute by minute. I've even had people who found out what I'm doing, and they're like "Hello?!" I always found myself this rare case that nobody gets, and they think I got a problem. They just don't know what to make of me. 

I grew up in a small town, where the kids were very average. I couldn't fit in, because I was different and gifted. I got bullied and withdrawn from crowds, making very few close friends. Never been on a date. In my early teens I began MD, and it not only effected my grades, but my social life.My point is, I was just making my life HOTTER being who I truly was. I was probably around the wrong type of crowds, but they didn't buy it, and wanted to stay away from me. Eventually my family found out, and didn't open up to my MD life all the same. As an adult, everybody got angry and frustrated that I wasn't listening to them and understanding what goes on in the world and other people's lives. I struggled with my verbal skills, so everybody assumed I was very tired and having a rough-going day. 

Point is with MD, it makes you think things will get better—when really, it gives you false notions of feeling better, but it doesn't compare to what's really going on around you, and how you affect the ones you love.

[SA]

I'm sorry to hear all that. I too am a maladaptive daydreamer and it all started in the 9th or 10th grade I think. I've always been a sensitive person and whilst my family has always been supportive, but as I was stuyding in a private school, I was not very well received by my peers select very few. I was not someone who had very fancy hairstyles or could go out a lot due to my conservative background. So, I was the UNCOOL KID. I had 3-4 friends out of which only 1-2 accepted me for who I was. Seeing this I closed myself off from the world and that led to MD taking over. I also was bullied and made to feel weak as I reacted. Like I said, I'm sensitive. Ever since then, MD has been a part of my life and only recently, due to struggles in my professional qualification, I've decided to let go. The daydreams are less now but there is this awful void or numbness or vagueness as to who I am. I don't know my likes, dislikes, preferences etc. It's all just empty. This leads to short bursts of daydreams especially if I am walking or if robust emotions strike me. 
The biggest issue in myself was that I became extremely silent. I am an introvert and HSP but I'm talking about extreme quietude. I didn't express anything and led myself into believing that I was this person. This exacerbated MD and there wasn't any minute in my daily life that I was not plagued by my fantasy world. 
Now, being aware of MD, I feel hurt that I have not LIVED since the 10th grade. I don't know who I am or what my life story is or does anyone even know me? 
I'm sorry I couldn't give you any pointers. Just thought you might wanna know there are other messed up individuals like yourself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I became an adult, I notice that I wasn't ADAPTED into the world unlike everybody else. So now I have problems concentrating, staying interested, motivating myself to try things out and do better, and being well aware of my surrounding environment. People are talking to me, and telling me what to do, and I suddenly have to snap awake to understand them. Even my cognition and physique has been effected by years of doing MD. Plus I am behind in life and I'm out of work. I don't believe I LIVED for some time. It's greatly effected my social life and everything else. Now I have a dad who is making sure I'm on the right foot, and getting a steady job. I am 37 as of today. It's amazing how dreaming can mess you up. 

I started MD because, just like you, I had difficulties with social interaction and relating to people on any level. I didn't understand the difficulty of finding and maintaining relationships. I was also stunned at how many didn't like and understand me as a person, leaving me with nearly nobody at all. Just because you're good, doesn't mean you've got any friends. It depends on your personality-type, really. I know plenty of good people who have no friends. But it was a LIFE LONG problem with me. Still to this day, I'm on my very own, only I don't daydream as extensively as I used to. Apparently, I have to rebuild my life, which is currently in shambles in this post-pandemic society.