Transformation

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm going through a transformation as of now. I've been feeling wonky, aimless and not myself. I usually face daily habits that don't serve me well. Today I feel like I'm suddenly somebody new. I look at my old habits and ritual—and I cringe. I notice what kind of worlds I've lived in for so long.These worlds used to captivate my imagination, but now I seem to be growing up and facing the music—real life just doesn't appear like our fantasies. 

Recently, my body has been feeling eeirly nervous, for no reason, to an extent it almost prevented me from standing. Waking up in the mornings is extremely uncomfortable, I can't seem to get my shit together until mid afternoon. Just now, I feel blissfully at peace with myself, and a wave of relief is over me, like I get a hunch things will be OK. I certainly hope so. My body talks to me and just knows things, like it's got a life of it's own. 

I just have a tough love relationship with my parents right now. They know for sure that I daydream everyday, and I need to wake up to life. They want me to succeed in a profession that I enjoy. Currently, I'm aggravate that I still can't find a job. I've tried a range of strategies and it stall falls down. Let's face it, it's a hard knock world today. We all need to chill, care for ourselves, not break our heads and panic up about things we can't change over night, not matter how demanding our parents are. 

Sometimes we all have to start over, learn from our big downfalls. I picked a career that was wrong and challenging for me. Now I might have to retrain and start from scratch, even if it takes a year. I never thought in my late 30's, I'd still be wonder what I want to do with my life. I often blame my fantasizing on the poor decisions I made in my youth. I just hope for a resolution, that's all.