My life needs work...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

We all think MD is tell us things will get better. If that were the case, things would've got better already. I fell behind in life, as you'd expect, coming from someone who was a dreamer. I really should've broke this news to my family immediately, when it started happening. It made me feel warm and glowing with happiness at first—but then it practically ruined me. Today I have no career, no friends, no relationships, no house...I'm rock bottom. My mom thinks I deserve it. My dad thinks I can still do better. Next year is my 20th high school anniversary, but I probably won't go, because this is just incredibly mortifying. I had a job, but the pandemic took it away, and I've been distressingly job hunting for a year now. I'm not depressed or anxious...I'm just feel like a fool. I learned so much after an entirety of 23 years of MD. Thing is I can't stop the dreaming altogether, it's just a part of me and nobody understands that. In fact, the thought of their reactions towards me still gives me gag reflexes. Anyway, this was bound to happen, and I guess that I deserve it. It was a stupid to do. I hope the rest of you are doing so much better.

[Dee Wards]

I realize that I need to work on making my life healthier, however, I am a valuable and special person. I deserve as much as anyone.  I didn’t choose DD.  I was gifted with it.  

I intend to get a therapist to help me talk through some of my issues. I think getting a fresh perspective on things might be helpful.  Maybe moving forward is really what counts.  All that’s in the past, is just ancient history.  If it doesn’t serve me well, then I should let it go.  I know that’s not always so easy.  

[Jessica Ballantyne]

"All that’s in the past, is just ancient history."

I love this line, I will take your word for it. You have a point. It wasn't easy for me either, but I finally got rid of it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's just, I feel that MD had clouded my judgement towards all aspects of my life. I believed in my dreams at one time, but I didn't think "what if that will happen?" When I was younger, I thought I had all the answers. I didn't know jack shit, I had no experience. All I needed to do was leave my comfort zone and find out for myself. 

[Molly]

We must be the same age because my high school reunion is going on this weekend. I'm sorry you're in such a low place. This is such a cliche but it really is baby steps (I'm saying this so I can hear it too btw). I used to go to the library, and still do, to try to get myself to focus to create a resume and apply for jobs. Applying for jobs is THE WORST. I hate it so much, it puts me in that place where I'm just obsessing over these future possibilities and imagining and replaying the perfect interview - etc. etc. Sends me into a spiral. Going to a public place to do the work really helps me.
Also, I feel you about the "telling people" thing- I admitted to my therapist I dreamed away 8 hours straight one day and he couldn't help but give me a look of surprise. It's like he just figured out how impactful it is for me, and that one minuscule look made me so so very sad. I still haven't shaken it. I've only told 4/10 therapists in my life (but no one else) but I think I need to see those looks. It IS shocking to people who don't live it, but I'm glad my therapist knows now. Anyway, back to you- YOU REALLY CAN DO IT! Being unemployed is tough, but you can get out. Even getting a temporary job doing retail or something to break up the isolation could really help. I believe in you! 

[Dee Wards]

That’s unfortunate the therapist gave you an odd look. That should not happen.  People have all kinds of issues, They don’t need judgement from their mental health professional.  There are much worse things than DD.  I sometimes wonder what most other people do who  don’t DD.  Their  day must be rather dull and biring.  My days are always interesting, because I make them that way.  

Not only do I work running my own business, but I go to the gym 5 days a week to work out.  There are so many nice people there!  No one judges you either. I love it.  Plus, I’m getting a healthier and thinner body! Lol

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thanks. I'm thinking of a corporation, studio, charity job, even an art & deco shop. I like your option of applying at a public library, though I have a desktop, not a laptop. If I feel feel frustrated or get mentally fatigued, I just go for trail walks. APPLYING for jobs is my worse nightmare too. I happen to live with my parents, and my dad puts his ore into my efforts, and wonders why I haven't resolved finding work by now. He doesn't understand how the industry is today, because he's been working non-stop for an architectural firm since 1981. The job consultants will not find you a job, they'll just advise you with 1000 resources and 20 webinars. I've been sweating for days now, and I was lately advised to research my top favourite companies for through research and solid ratio applications. Overtime, my head just goes hazy, and I tend to procrastinate. I might even have to career segue. All in all, I hope you're right. I'm sure that I can do it.

My 20th high school reunion is Spring 2024. I can't be sure if I'll even go to this thing. I honestly want to move forward with my adult life and see myself be successful for a change. I find it super embarrassing to be in my current situation, when everybody else had it all figured out by the late 2000's. 

I see we are both in our late 30's and still pursuing our dream careers. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be frank, I've received worse looks by people. 

[SA]

MD doesn't make anything better. It only appears warm and robs you of every thing about your self. I believe the biggest issue MD fuels is the lack of development of a person AS A PERSON. If I look closely at my life, there have been many scenarios where I've kept silent or become passive as opposed to doing what I was supposed to do. For instance, if any of my colleagues at work raised their voice at me, any normal person with a bit of normal self-esteem would say, "YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT". But I just didn't feel as if I had enough zeal to respond back as I wasn't developing my SELF at all. In those scenarios, I felt as if I don't know what to say or how to respond as I was spending all of my time inside my head. Those repressed emotions did come to the forefront after letting go of MD. I did act out in my fantasies what I would say to that work colleague. It's not just that. This applies in simple scenarios which entail sharing of opinions, responding etc. All that feels vague and alien to myself. MD is basically holding yourself back. This, I believe, is the worst impact of letting MD take over. You don't get to experience what it's like to be a PERSON. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I agree with you. I IGNORED life. I couldn't won things over, if I opened my eyes to my real life situations and grew up better by FACING them. But I was a KID. How was I to know until I was an adult with life experience. I wasn't a social butterfly who got exposure young, and happened to be neurodivergent. Everybody played games and insinuated things at me, which I never understood. Not a lot of people came forth right with the truth. So it was over my head, and I just continued to daydream on. 

[SA]

I totally resonate with you. It sounded like me for a while in school days. Maybe this MD was something that we had to experience in order to realise that we aren’t living. I believe I was, from the very beginning, who yearned a lot for social acceptance. I had this tendency towards making my SELF smaller to please boys at school or try to copy them. However, this works paradoxically. The more you shrink, the more someone enables himself in front of you. This leads to ghosting or being left aside. There’s one thing have for you and this is something I’m incorporating in myself too. Try to show your self as authentically and as naturally as possible. Do things spontaneously without being pushed back by your mind. Don’t think over how you’re doing or the mechanics. Just get lost in living life on a daily basis. As you portray yourself as much in the picture as others do, you’ll realise that rejection will become less.
As far as insinuation is concerned, I too have struggled with this. It’s hard for me to not like someone if he acts nicely. However, most of the times it’s superficial. This is something I learnt the hard way. Most of the outsiders are in it for themselves and being nice is the way to create a positive aura. You don’t need to open up to people if they talk nicely with you. It’s just everyday life. Being worldly. Being overly nice is also a sign of someone with an underdeveloped SELF. This will stop automatically happen if you start being YOUR SELF. You won’t please others too much and will take up space for yourself. Put yourself out as much as possible. Say what you’re thinking. Be YOU.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I am who I am. Why try so hard to please others? Insinuate what I meant was the opposite. Like hinting things, not so much talking nicely. They didn't talk nicely, believe me. They just thought I was being so weird, and couldn't make out why. Matter of speaking, I was bullied. 

[SA]

That’s what I’m saying. You don’t need to please others. What I’m saying is that it might’ve been the reason as to why you were bullied. It was the reason that I was bullied. It was because I carried myself as if all I wanted was social acceptance. I shared all of the above thinking that might’ve been your story. Do confirm if it was.
As far as bullying is concerned, it’s unfortunate. I was bullied in school. There was even a time when a boy beat me up in the basketball court of our school. I felt weak and helpless. As a man, that’s pretty hard to take in. Till this day, it haunts me at times. All I’ve learnt from it is to have firm boundaries in place without fearing rejection. I’m working on this these days!!!