Confusion.

[Amanda Lynne]

That word sums up life right now. Confused, overwhelmed, and hopeless. That's how it feels.

I went to a therpist this week, she was nice, she said all my goals were acheivable but I don't think she understands. How hard it is to stop. I hate mental disorders. I used to want to be a therapist and now I just hate everything about social science and psychology. I hate anything that puts emotions and personalities to a science. Like "if you're shy or anxious and don't have friends, you probably never will cause your brain's effed up!" That's probably not how a pschyatrist would put it, but you know...

I have this weird feeling, like I have no choice but to be the way I am. Born introverted, die introverted? Born MD'er, die MD'er? That's what it feels like. I didn't know that you could actually FEEL sadness or weakness or shame. Physically feel it. But I can. It feels like pressure everywhere, makes me tired. It feels like you have butterflies in your stomach, but not the good kind. It's crazy.

At counseling I said "I daydream to the point where I don't know how to think like a normal person" and she asked "How does a normal person think?" I didn't know what to say, but eventually I came up with "in the moment, I guess." It's true. I don't know how to think things like "Wow, the weather's lovely" or "Hey I like her shirt!" without it feeling forced and fake. I don't how to think for myself. To talk to myself. (Weird, in most cases talking to yourself would be a big no no, but in mine it'd make me less crazy). I feel like I've spent my whole life fighting reality and fighting myself and I won, and now I want it all back. But I can't say I know I ever had "it".

My past, and I mean past like only 4 years ago, I don't remember. Everybody says I was pretty much mute, wouldn't even talk to my own mom. All I could tell you about a few years back is I was a goofy lookin kid.

I don't know who I am. I don't understand myself. I don't love myself. It's like my mind's just a TV network or something. Don't get me wrong, I know my name, where I live and all that, but sometimes I'll have these really weird moments where in the middle of daydreaming I'll stop, look in the mirror and for a moment have absoloutley NO IDEA who that girl is, and wtf is her problem.

I'm out of touch, I'm scared, and I'm frustrating. I have 3 more years of the "best years" of a person's life, I swear to God if I waste them... I feel worthless, I would never kill myself, I don't want to die, but sometimes I do give up on "living" as in even trying.

And I was doing so well, with not daydreaming a lot. I don't know how I wound up here. It's like I'm back where I began but it's a million times scarier.

 

God bless you if you read all that, I'm sorry, I just needed to get it out. Don't we all...