Where wild minds come to rest
I recently forced myself to go see a counselor about my MD and associated depression - who recommended me to a bunch of other psychologists - who are impossible to get in touch with.
When I was walking to the appointment, I was going through what I would tell the counselor - trying to make a point of saying things that would NOT make me overly emotional or cry. Because I wanted the meeting to be productive - to get the facts across to the doctor - to have a quick answer to: can I be fixed?
Plus, I just can't cry in front of an absolute stranger. No way.
As I was walking along the college sidewalk I kept looking out for people I knew, thinking "please don't let them see me walk to "that-kind-of" doctor - please don't let them see me select "the third floor" - don't ask me where I'm going I'd have to lie..". When I got into the waiting room I glanced around quickly - No one I knew - phew.
In the world of academia - your brain is the asset. If a colleague saw me; they may doubt my potential.
And I felt sick in that waiting room, because I realized in such a long time I had been trying to "grow outward" - to be seen as "normal" as "acceptable" to my peers. That if my life looked normal to an outsider - it was - and MD would be no issue. But all this time spent "growing outward" I have been ignoring my own reality and putting others desires and wants ahead of my own.
I realized that my visit to "that-kind-of" doctor was the first true step I had taken toward actively show someone what I was on the inside. I like to think of this as my first step toward "growing inward". To allow myself to let my intrinsic self see the light of day - and see the reaction on someones face when I lift my outward veil.