Where wild minds come to rest
PREAMBLE: If you are asexual, I would love to hear your thoughts below. If you have a normal sex life and don't think your sexuality and MD have anything to do with each other, that would be reassuring to some extent. If you currently don't know or understand what asexuality is, this isn't the place to get into it, but go read up on it here if you're curious.
Is anyone here asexual? I ask because I am, and I sometimes wonder if my asexuality would have developed at all were it not for my MD, or if MD is hiding the fact that I'm not actually asexual from myself. In other words, I wonder if they mutually reinforce each other.
My MD developed when I was about 14, so roughly around the time when people start to become interested in kissing or whatever. I'm now 27, still a virgin, uninterested in sex, and worried that this may not be a "natural" case of asexuality, but rather, a direct result of MD. Maybe all that time spent focusing on imaginary crap at that specific time deprived me of essential early sexual explorations, experiences and realizations. Maybe I missed the sexual development boat, and that's it -- I'll be stuck on the shore forever, staring mesmerized at random shapes in the sand.
Alternatively, maybe I have just been subconsciously afraid of sex all along, and MD is just my mind going overboard trying to distract me from that problem and protect me from what it thinks is a terrifying threat. I mean, you could easily see how in this case, MD might be straight-up psychological defense mechanism rather than its own separate thing.
So, yeah. I don't know. I should probably seek counselling, but I'm really embarrassed to bring up not one, but TWO super rare and awkward problems at the same time. And to be honest, the thing I fear most is them confirming my suspicions, because I can't even begin to imagine how difficult/hopeless it would be to try to disentangle and treat both conditions at the same time. Ugh. So much easier to let them both rule my life indefinitely!
Thank you for reading this long, bitter, and overly specific post. If you have any insight into this issue, please answer here or message me.
(long-time lurker, first-time poster)
Hi Dizzy R and welcome! :)
It's highly improbable that MD and asexuality are related in any way, directly or indirectly. What may be causing someone's prolonged lack of sexual and romantic interest (which then easily gets confused for asexuality) is issues underlying MD. For instance, majority of people with severe MD have underlying chronic depression. Depression, especially mild covert one, literally butchers one's sexual drive and interest in romantic relationships and this can last for years.
Second, maybe you're one of those people who first have to build a deep emotional bond with someone before they can even think about bringing sexual aspects of a relationship into play. MD usually implies that we have certain attachment issues and it's virtually impossible for us to connect to someone emotionally on a deep level (given that we aren't even connected to ourselves let alone someone else). Since attachment issues prevent you from falling in love in the first place, everything that is supposed to come after that - in this case a sexual drive - gets blocked and you end up thinking 'hey, I'm probably asexual'.
MD is usually something that covers a problem and is never a problem itself. If it's moderate to severe for you, it's an indicator that certain parts of you have been sleeping for years while you're thinking that they are dead. Maybe your awareness of your sexuality is one of them. Maybe not. Also, please don't be embarrassed to seek counseling - it's actually a very common issue! Addiction to fantasy perhaps isn't that frequent but psychotherapists and counselors deal with stuff like lack of sexual drive all the time.
PS. You're still young, don't let this discourage you in any way! Gather some strength and go break this vicious circle.
It might be no help but... I'll share it anyway. Sorry if I bother you with this.
I'm not asexual, I am anti-sexual.
-Asexuality is a sexual orientation. The body has no interest in sex. (I know how incorrect that might be, sorry definitions are difficult) Aces are born that way.
-Anti-sexuality is a... Wel i guess it's a mind set. A thought, an ideology, or even a phobia. They are not born like this, they just hate sex because they think it's wrong, filthy etc.
I am heterosexual but I am disgusted by sex and everything that has anything to do with it. And yes, this makes me also disgusted by myself. My body can (and wants) to have sex, but my mind doesn't want to be a pervert and this leads to a fight inside of me that I have been having for ever since I hit puberty. (the strugle is realy realy realy realy hard, seriously)
If you google anti-sexuality, you won't find a lot about this. At least I didn't found a lot about it. Sadly, I have never met or seen anyone who is dealing with the same problem as I. This is actualy the first time I talk about it.
On the internet I read about this being something for religous people. Don't mistake me with them, I believe in God, but I'm not that religous. I hate sexuality, not because some dude in a dress or a holy book tells me it's evil, no, it realy comes from my own thinking and reasoning.
So I'm anti-sexual.
That is all I wanted to say realy. I thought that if you were linking MD with sexual orientations, I might as well mention my sexual orientation (that is not a sexual orientation :/)
If I could mention one more thing:
I have found that, in my war with my own sexuality, MD seems to strengthen the sexual side of me. It is hard to keep yourself away from lust if every single night your over-imaginative mind is drowning you in succubbi. (If you can comprehend that.) If MD were linked with sexuality, I would think it rather stimulates it than hold it back. But that is just in my experience. I realy think that MD can be the cause for all kinds of things, you never know.
I'm at the opposite side of the spectrum, where my MD is some sort of escape valve or pressure release. Sex and relationships are heavily present in my DD. If I didn't daydream I think I'd be more active though, since I get some gratification through my daydreaming. I can also get so worked up about my daydream world that I'd forego an opportunity with real people for time spent with someone in my head. I don't know if it is the same for you.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I've been thinking about this a lot in the past few weeks, and I increasingly suspect that calling myself "asexual" is likely just a cop-out to avoid having to confront... something. I might be truly asexual, I guess, but it just feels like more of an undefined psychological issue than an orientation. (If I really felt it was an orientation, I'd probably be a lot more at ease with it.)
Side note: Recently I've been reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex, and a lot of the descriptions of "frigidity" seem kind of familiar. She talks about girls who don't manage to psychologically accept their sexual nature, and who essentially remain "infantile" and afraid of sex for years/decades/their entire lives. I know it's far from a scientific work, but it's still depressing. I don't want to be infantile, but to be honest, I think that term could be applied to me, at least when I'm at my worst.
Dizzy R, you are saying some interesting stuff there in your side note!
I'm not female, but I am a childish person and I have been trying to strongly resist growing up since I was 11. I have always been very afraid of things within me that I can not control, that includes some emotions but I mostly fear 'youknowwhat'. Antisexuality was a word that I used to describe myself because of a lack of a better word, and because I didn't dare to call myself Asexual (I thought I would be lying if I did that, and that was not fair for 'real asexual people') But what you described seems to be what is going on with me. I hate myself because I'm male and because I'm sexual, up to the point that I invent punishments for myself everythime I do 'youknowwhat'. I am the most childish person I know, and I'm shameless about that. I even act feminin sometimes (it annoys my friends, and some people even believe that I'm gay). The only thing that is not like your description is my gender, but this can't just only be for females, right?
Is there any way you could give me more information about this? I believe I might be getting realy close to finally identifying myself. Do you have any links to share? Or is there anything more you could tell me on the subject?
Roel Van Rossen, I'm not a therapist or a psychologist so I'm afraid I can't give you any real information. I haven't done any research into this; I've just been musing about the idea of childishness with regard to my own life. This was brought on partly by the book I mentioned, and partly by a couple of recent episodes at work that made me realize how immature and passive aggressive I can be when feeling "threatened." This eventually led to me wondering if I was not only sexually infantile, but infantile in general. Some negative personality traits that I have, and that could be considered infantile, are fearfulness, lack of self-discipline/work ethic, occasional lack of impulse control, and selfishness. (In contrast, people my age that I consider "mature" do not seem to have these traits, or at least not to the same extent.) If I'm a scared, selfish little toddler deep down, that might explain why I have issues with the real world, resulting in this fantasy addiction (and aversion to physical intimacy). But again, this is all just speculation, and I haven't sought professional help at this point so I could be way off-base.
And no, I don't think any of that is gender-specific. Even the stuff in The Second Sex, a book about about the female condition, could be applied to men, insofar as her main argument is that male and female attributes are largely socially conditioned. I would hesitate to take her opinions too seriously, since they are informed by a lot of outdated ideas (e.g. Freudian psychology, homosexuality as "disorder," etc.), but if you're interested I could share some of the passages that struck me as personally relevant.
I hate myself because I'm male and because I'm sexual, up to the point that I invent punishments for myself everythime I do 'youknowwhat'. I am the most childish person I know, and I'm shameless about that. I even act feminin sometimes (it annoys my friends, and some people even believe that I'm gay). The only thing that is not like your description is my gender, but this can't just only be for females, right?
"I hate myself because I'm male" ... "I even act feminine sometimes" ... do you think you have trouble accepting that you're specifically an adult, sexual male (as opposed to a young boy), or do you think you might be transgender/genderqueer? Just wondering; you don't have to answer.
Dizzy R, well what you have been speculating makes more sense than most things therapist would say if you ask me. I think being a toddler inside and not wanting to grow up can be a cause for both Anti- or Asexuality and MD. I have always felt like time is going to fast and I feel like I have missed huge parts of my precious childhood. It realy can explain a lot, at least some parts of this has to be true somewhere.
It's funny how, whene I was searching for Antisexuality I always ended up reading texts written by and written for feminists. I read an entire text of Idon'tevenknowhowmany pages long about how sexual liberation was actually negative because it meant that women had become the sexslaves of men, and I agreed with every argument XD. Somehow this is a subject that is keeping some feminists busy.
And no, I am heterosexual (atracted to girls) and I don't want to be another gender, thus I'm not transgender. But I do dream about having no gender at all, like a robot or a bacteria. Than I wouldn't have to deal with with my unwanted lusts and feelings. I'm having trouble being male, and becoming adult. Yeah, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm only 17 yet. That might explain some things, but I am sure that this problem can not be a matter of time like you would think. It's not like I'm a bit late, and I still have to develop sexual interest. Sexual interest is there, in fact there is way too much of it. I want complete selfcontrol, but I am struggling almost every day to not give in to what other guys of my age think is normal to do. My imagination doesn't help me in this. I hate media etc. that use this weakness of men to get more attention. I hate that the taboe of sex is disappaering, I know it is good for others, but it is making me feel more vulnerable and more miserable. It is making me scared.
I don't actually know this, but I have been thinking that maybe after puberty sexual interest starts becoming less powerfull. I would be so happy if that were the case. Maybe it would go away completely and I would become asexual. I would be forever happy and I would be free :)
btw, if it is not too much trouble (if you don't have to copy an entire text by typing it out entirely), I would love to read some passages ;)
I must be very different than most. I have been an active DD since 6 yrs old. I have been lost in this at the expense of doing well in the real world. But my real world allowed me the time to live in my DD world.
I became heterosexually active in my DD life at age 10 and by 12 ....Wow ...the stuff I was into from then through my mid 30's. Gratefully, I had a husband then who thought a lot of what I was willing to do was his idea and I was obliqueing him. He never touched the top of what went on in my DD life.
I wish I had the "balls" to have 'really' tried more of my Dreams!
As I age (56), it is fading. I miss my DD life so VERY Much!!! Other than my kids, it was the best part of me!
I have been struggling with this exact thing for the past year or so. I actually meant to start such a topic myself, once I finally got up the courage to join here and post.
Until recently I always thought "asexual" just mean that you didn't have any sort of sex drive / libido at all, until I came across the more nuanced definition from AVEN and whatnot that says you can have a sex drive, but not have it "aimed" at anyone in particular and not be interested in actually partnering with anyone. And that's the definition I came to identify with.
As far as my real-life history, it is pretty accurate. I'm 30 and I've honestly never met someone that I was attracted to in the sense of wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with them. I had maybe 2-3 crushes in my middle school / early high school years on real people that were part of my day-to-day life, but even then it was a sort of "I want to admire them from afar" situation - I couldn't imagine myself being with them, I didn't even really want to be with them. I always see people joke about "hormonal teenagers" and whatnot, but I never really understood it because I never had that personal experience.
I have fairly bad social anxiety as far as forming personal relationships with people goes. That's definitely a contributing factor as well, though I always see people mentioning they have social anxiety and then in the next sentence mention their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever, so obviously plenty of people out there are able to pursue relationships in spite of it. I tried signing up for a dating site once - went on one "date", and kept ignoring all the messages I got because it was too stressful and awkward to have to respond to them. That was a failed experiment. I had a few people who were interested in me - one I was friends with and eventually asked me if he would ever have a chance, and I had to respond "I don't know" because in all honestly I didn't know whether I would ever feel any sort of attraction to him or not. Another one was the only person who ever tried to kiss me, and I had my very first panic attack that night after I got home.
My daydreams, however, are almost exclusively focused around alter ego me having a romantic relationship with whoever the person of interest is. They've been that way pretty much since puberty. Mostly it'll be a fictional character, but very rarely it'll be a celebrity which honestly kind of weirds me out a bit. I don't consciously choose these people, my brain just sort of latches on to them, sometimes out of the blue. I guess it's a form of having a crush in that sense.
So what I'm really not sure of, does my lack of romantic interest / experience / whatever in real life come from genuine asexuality? Does it come from me being too wrapped up in the daydreams to be available to other people, or too invested in the sort of idealized relationship I can find there that doesn't really reflect reality? Or is it because of social anxiety and being too scared of the idea? I guess the thing that's most confusing is that I don't lack a sex drive in general, and daydream-me is obviously very interested in relationships, but real-me is sort of repelled by the idea. Where does the disconnect come from?