My very first time sharing. This is my story.

[Tim Bergan]

     so i have done this daydreaming thing, as i thought of it since i was a little kid. I can remember how awesome my imagination was back then, playing with legos and building forts and jet cockpits in my room and imagining i was whatever the situation was. now as i grew up, i noticed first in high school that i would do this, not thinking much of it. i was sort of a social nerd and i was picked on from time to time. i remember id play this hockey game on playstation and id pretend while walking around school that i was the goalie and was amazing and like everybody knew that was my identity too so i was loved by all. i could ALWAYS make the story fit however i need it to. with whatever conditions i had in front of me to play with. i would come up with SOMETHING that in the end i was awesome and people loved me. that was always the end result. tim is amazing, and worth recognition and worth all of peoples attention.  i would also love listening to music, and was constantly. it was the easiest way to unconciously and instinctively fall into a sweet mega fantasty where id come up with the reason i wrote those songs that i was listening to in like an interview or whatever and i was more thatn ordinary because i could move people and speak exactly how they all feel. i was the one who could figure out the words to put together. i was the one (i liked hard rock) screaming on stage showing my intensity and singing and all that. i was loved by all.

    senior year was the first time i started questioning all this. the first time i wondered if this was normal. i didnt know how to walk up to my best friend and ask him, "hey do you do this pretend you are a rock star fantasy thing....all day long..everyday.." no. i was content staying as normal looking as i was to the outside world. didnt wanna add more weirdness to me. like my still present social awkwardness.

     Heres where the problem came in. i took adderall all my life and finally one day realized how my daydreaming was ABSOLUTELY magnified and intensified once the med kicked in. it enhanced the hell out of my daydreaming and fantasizing. making them more enjoyable, longer, much more intricate and developed, everything. so of course naturally over time i became an addict. i was sad and depressed over my social phobias and awkwardness around the female persuaion that the only happiness i experienced was through fantasy daydreams. and since adderall would make them 10,000 times better , i abused it as much as i could. did whatever i could eventually just to get my hands on it. my logic was well im unhappy, but when i take this pill im VERY happy all of a sudden for a while. so why the hell not take this pill and feel great? didnt make sense not to you know?

   well this addiction was very quickly followed by alcohol. see alcohol could do the same thing as far as fantasy enhancement. but since it was so much cheaper, more plentiful, and easy to steal booze became my life obsession. fast forwarding a few years now i have destroyed my opputunities in my life alllll because of alcohol. theyre literally all tied to it somehow, my alcoholism. but i drank and nobody knew, because i wanted to pretend better basically. the weirdest reason im sure hands on at an AA meeting if i rose my hand and told that story. ive never told anybody anything until recently when i got a counselor. i actually had to introduce the concept of MD cuz she had of course never heard of it. i dont imagine 95% of people on earth do. so this is where ive come from, and this is where i am today. working on my drinking and trying to figure out different little gizmo and gadget ways of NOT continuing my "mental escape".

   thank you for anybody who actually took the time to read all of this i know i wouldnt have lol.  any ideas, suggetsion, comments, hate mail, whatever will so appreciated. if not just to know that i know someone somewhere now knows my story. and i was right in being brave enough to offer it up like this to everyone. thanks you and enjoy the rest of your day.

   

[Tim Bergan]

Never heard of it

[Tim Bergan]

Yes you do. Well done

[Tim Bergan]

Oh my god you're awesome

[Tim Bergan]

i do too

[Tim Bergan]

Well I went rambled on your blog for a second and put it down as anonymous. Couldn't figure out how else to send it

[Tim Bergan]

Thanks you Henrik. I appreciate you opening up and listening to my story too. Very cool.