Wild Minds Network

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Jessica Ballantyne's Blog (57)

Happ-less Halloween

Today is the worst day of my life in regards to fully waking up from a dream world I've lived in for two decades. I now face a real life that's never been given any solid attention, while I was "gone" in my head. Only people in my life are my two parents, sister, our dog Gracie, my art teacher and one of my best girl friends who lives just down the road. Though, this certain number of people are not enough for me. I do want so much more than what life gives right now. I dreamt of…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 17, 2017 at 10:11am — 1 Comment

Straight On Question

Has anybody looked forward to an amazing future, just to feel broken later on that nothing came true, because your MDD was nothing more than "airy fairy" thinking? Could you imagine you spent 20-40 years doing this, but realizing later what a fool you really were? I'm so thankful it came to a stop at 30, because it could've been worse.

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 13, 2017 at 7:16am — 2 Comments

Disney can be deceiving



I grew up as a kid in the era of Disney renaissance between 1989 to 1999. I was a very special time in my childhood.

My mom took me out to see every Disney animation ever released in theater since I was 3. When I first saw Beauty and the Beast, I distinctly felt this sexually romantic flare between Belle and the humanized beast in the ending, especially when they kissed and the kingdom
fire worked and went back to Angels of Eden. For a girl of 5, I was so humbly bumbly…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 10, 2017 at 7:55pm — No Comments

Communication and Idealisms

I honestly suck at hiding my compulsion of maladaptive day dreaming. Usually with people, they start questioning me when I decide to never listen to them. At home, mom can tell when I don't look at her and listen hard. She instantly knows that I don't take note of anything she sais. It is the same with everybody else. In fact, its been going on all of my life. Whether I was at school, work , private lessons or on a trip, people could easily tell that something is up with my hearing.…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 2, 2017 at 7:33pm — 2 Comments

Inadverdant

To be honest, I am gradually dumping my habits of excessive daydreaming. Every since I awakened to the realization that I've been living a 'dream life' over a great 'real life,' I was intensely distraught on the inside! I thought all my opportunities to form relationships, grow in a successful career, see interesting new places and live in a very nice house eventually just blown out the window, perhaps, for many years to come. This summer I felt so very discouraged and unsafe in my…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 24, 2017 at 3:03pm — No Comments

All but Bliss

I used to love to maladaptive daydream between ages 12 to 29. It always made me feel happy or exhilarated. To be frank,

I still day dream a little bit today. Now that I am in my 30's, this is starting to give me a fright, for a few reasons. Day dreaming excessively has robbed me of my life. It deceived my mind to believe in 'nonsense' that are against real facts.

Since I was a teenager, I actually expected to see wonderful things in my adulthood, like dating, traveling,…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 21, 2017 at 7:00am — No Comments

A catchy quote

"Reality is a thin skim of ice over a deep lake of dark water"

Stephen King, author of 11/22/63

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 18, 2017 at 1:43pm — 1 Comment

Waiting for a better life

I started doing MDD as a kid, but totally regret it today. I am all grown up now, but I feel so vulnerable towards life itself.

I lived a majority of my life in a dream state than ever emotionally and interactively responding to realistic external events around me. I always had trouble paying attention to people, so I was often socially isolated. I believed that I could take concrete subjects of 'people and things' into my dream world, and hope I can make my desires come true…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 16, 2017 at 7:50am — No Comments

Truth is ironic

I feel as if my dream world is remotely the opposite from the real world. Shouldn't our heads tell us the truth? I mean sometimes our dreams do tell us what future events awaits us, whether your awake or asleep. You'll be surprised in the future that I has finally come true. But, usually, you foresee these upcoming events by accident, not that you really wanted to know. People call it foresight or prevision.



However, there are other dreams that are made up fantasies, such…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 2, 2017 at 8:31am — 2 Comments

Normalizing more

I have decided to move with my future. MDD has really put an effect on my life. Now I am waking up and staying awake. My MDD is now diminishing and I'm glad it is. I am able to listen better and talk into conversations. Also, I am able to follow movie dialogues better than before. Most importantly, I am following instructions better than ever. Hopefully I will see better things as the years pass. Thanks for talking with you guys.

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 28, 2017 at 11:04am — 1 Comment

Reading the Extrovert World

Sometimes, I feel like people can get thrown off my external appearance 'too fast' and 'too much,' when I can't help it! It leaves me feeling so very frustrated, and makes me wonder what I have just done. I have Autism, so it's always been hard to read people's minds and emotions. To me, everything is just a washed out glance at first. So this allows people to jump on conclusions and make up judgements that are way 'too quick' for me. Of course, these people don't know me from Adam's Apple…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 25, 2017 at 9:52am — No Comments

Nothing I can do about it...prefer being myself

I can see because I have Autism, my life looks far from perfect. Though, many neurotypicals are skilled to prevent this as much as possible. Autistic just aren't capable of being that conscientious to prevent social flaws in future. Neurotypical people do expect too much from us! They even see subtle nuances in a person that "they think" must be improved ongoingly. Otherwise they complain, criticize or make remarks. What they can't seem to realize is, "You are who you are." All my…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 24, 2017 at 1:11pm — No Comments

Autism Sucks

I have Autism. I always look forward to social situations, because often, I am constantly in a periphery. This is really embarrassing and the last thing I expect. Whenever I go back into the open crowd, people just immediately stare at me with a grin, pause, and shout "Smile!!" People are like this all the time with me. It's probably because I happen to always look all startled and serious...or sombre because I can feel tired. I am not a social butterfly and I am very introvert. So,…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 21, 2017 at 7:33am — No Comments

Growing

I notice when my MDD dwindled and I began to get real, everything all just fell back to "Life itself."  Whereas, when I was into my dreams, sort of out of it, all swirly eyed, I was practically deluded. I had misleading and deceiving beliefs towards things that couldn't possibly be realistic to my true 'barefaced' consciousness. It started really kicking in when my family and peers got significantly unpleasant towards my irresponsible, inconsiderate and irrational actions pertaining…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 17, 2017 at 8:32pm — No Comments

Lost Zone

I think that I see what's wrong.....

Because I day dreamed excessively for 20 years, the only life I ever knew exists inside my head....I only knew myself inside my head. In the real world, I have no life....I don't exist in reality....I'm currently not "somebody" at all. Seriously,

I rarely speak a word to 'real life' people. I practically don't have an existing personality. So, I don't exist in reality to present living people. Therefore, I've never had any relationships up to…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 15, 2017 at 10:01am — 1 Comment

dreams don't manifest





I have idea if it was because of AUTISM. I look back at three decades. I smack my head and think, "what an idiot!" It was as if I was 'living in my own world.' Even if I was wide awake and here in this world, I ask myself, "Would I still have seen some differences? Wouldn't I have gotten some opportunities. What are the odds?" Of course, I knew a lot of jerks and bitches in my time. I can't help the fact many people can be jerks....especially to somebody as socially awkward and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 14, 2017 at 8:30am — 1 Comment

Vice Versa if only

I think that I see why now. Why I never got anything I wanted. I never spoke up! I didn't ever socialize. I never got into people's faces. I lived in other worlds. I buried myself away from others.



I mean, if people really want something, they go for it! They talk about it to others. They're socially open and active. Whereas, I was very shy. I am still shy today.



I lost because I went to sleep. Then I was too scared to speak my mind....I didn't do this for a…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2017 at 5:30pm — 4 Comments

Pretending

It seems clear, I live on 'planet Jessica.' I am so unique. In a way, everything I do is questionable to people. Well, I also happen to have autism spectrum disorder. I mean, I do certain things with my hands, face, eye movements and body gestures that may come off as weird to everyone else. When I was so much younger, I thought people wouldn't think anything of this, perhaps be open to it, or at least not react like I am completely nuts. I believed that I would see stuff I wanted…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 6, 2017 at 8:02pm — 2 Comments

Just life

I have always wanted to date people and maintain a relationship. I have never experienced this. I am 31 years old!

I have spent a lifetime of dealing with people who didn't like who I was. What I mean is, I have always had problems getting intimate with people. I was an intensely timid and quiet person. So, either nobody noticed I was there or it they did, they never really gave a shit.



Well, I spent my entire life day dreaming about being people I'm totally not and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 31, 2017 at 11:54am — 1 Comment

Follow this link!

I gasped when I saw the 10th reason why you waste your life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=835k6k4eJgc

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 25, 2017 at 1:43pm — No Comments

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