Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

Jessica Ballantyne's Blog (62)

Aftermath



I was wrong to be dwelling in unrealistic worlds for most of my life. My mind is immersing into the real world for the

first time, so it's not like I always appreciate what I see. People are constantly bringing up my lousy manners, such as my inability to interact properly. A customer at my work got so angry because I didn't not say "Hello" to her in return. It is almost as if I am still self-absorbed. Overall, I have no social life. Learning to survive on my own is very tough. I…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on December 8, 2017 at 7:35am — 1 Comment

I prefered not to speak



This might sound crazy. I spent 20 years being very quiet, and day dreamed way too much. I notice nothing I ever wanted came my way in life. In fact, being silent and living in other worlds has brought me where I am today. People abruptly refused to date me, invite me, hire me, raise me and be friends with me. Some of them even discovered my compulsive fantasizing, just by looking at my eyes and noticing that I don't ever listen. I was bullied mercilessly in grade school and had a…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on December 2, 2017 at 3:09pm — No Comments

Too absorbed in my head

I came downstairs to prepare lunch for work, when my mother was watching The View on TV. Celebrity women were talking about Trump, Kim Jon Un and a possible war. I suddenly felt contrite, since I haven't caught up with world news

in a very long time. I realized I've been too busy being self-absorbed and living in my own world. I have been too busy looking into finding a new relationship with a guy. I've dreamt that we'd meet in public while I'm working to help people find…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on November 29, 2017 at 8:35am — No Comments

Crushes

I've literally spent many years having powerful crushes on fantasies. We all have crushes on the celebrities we admire,

but we don't know them—and they don't know us. Better yet, they obviously have nothing in common with you, whatsoever. So, how do we know that they'd like you? To be honest, I still have crushes on a couple celebrities, and surprisingly, one of them is long deceased—and was gay. Frankly, nothing is what it seems on the Netflix channel and

on the Google…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 30, 2017 at 8:49am — 1 Comment

Inpractical

I understand now—I didn't live in the real world AT ALL. I overestimated life and expected more than I can chew.

I wasn't realistic with myself and everybody around me. I didn't calculate the possibilities, instead I dove into envisaging about my future. I wanted more than what LIFE can give. I really should have appreciated the simple things in life, such as family, pets and friends. I day dreamed too much and ended up in situations that I could have prevented if I was…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 25, 2017 at 2:00pm — No Comments

Happ-less Halloween

Today is the worst day of my life in regards to fully waking up from a dream world I've lived in for two decades. I now face a real life that's never been given any solid attention, while I was "gone" in my head. Only people in my life are my two parents, sister, our dog Gracie, my art teacher and one of my best girl friends who lives just down the road. Though, this certain number of people are not enough for me. I do want so much more than what life gives right now. I dreamt of…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 17, 2017 at 10:11am — 1 Comment

Straight On Question

Has anybody looked forward to an amazing future, just to feel broken later on that nothing came true, because your MDD was nothing more than "airy fairy" thinking? Could you imagine you spent 20-40 years doing this, but realizing later what a fool you really were? I'm so thankful it came to a stop at 30, because it could've been worse.

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 13, 2017 at 7:16am — 2 Comments

Disney can be deceiving



I grew up as a kid in the era of Disney renaissance between 1989 to 1999. I was a very special time in my childhood.

My mom took me out to see every Disney animation ever released in theater since I was 3. When I first saw Beauty and the Beast, I distinctly felt this sexually romantic flare between Belle and the humanized beast in the ending, especially when they kissed and the kingdom
fire worked and went back to Angels of Eden. For a girl of 5, I was so humbly bumbly…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 10, 2017 at 7:55pm — No Comments

Communication and Idealisms

I honestly suck at hiding my compulsion of maladaptive day dreaming. Usually with people, they start questioning me when I decide to never listen to them. At home, mom can tell when I don't look at her and listen hard. She instantly knows that I don't take note of anything she sais. It is the same with everybody else. In fact, its been going on all of my life. Whether I was at school, work , private lessons or on a trip, people could easily tell that something is up with my hearing.…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on October 2, 2017 at 7:33pm — 2 Comments

Inadverdant

To be honest, I am gradually dumping my habits of excessive daydreaming. Every since I awakened to the realization that I've been living a 'dream life' over a great 'real life,' I was intensely distraught on the inside! I thought all my opportunities to form relationships, grow in a successful career, see interesting new places and live in a very nice house eventually just blown out the window, perhaps, for many years to come. This summer I felt so very discouraged and unsafe in my…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 24, 2017 at 3:03pm — No Comments

All but Bliss

I used to love to maladaptive daydream between ages 12 to 29. It always made me feel happy or exhilarated. To be frank,

I still day dream a little bit today. Now that I am in my 30's, this is starting to give me a fright, for a few reasons. Day dreaming excessively has robbed me of my life. It deceived my mind to believe in 'nonsense' that are against real facts.

Since I was a teenager, I actually expected to see wonderful things in my adulthood, like dating, traveling,…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 21, 2017 at 7:00am — No Comments

A catchy quote

"Reality is a thin skim of ice over a deep lake of dark water"

Stephen King, author of 11/22/63

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 18, 2017 at 1:43pm — 1 Comment

Waiting for a better life

I started doing MDD as a kid, but totally regret it today. I am all grown up now, but I feel so vulnerable towards life itself.

I lived a majority of my life in a dream state than ever emotionally and interactively responding to realistic external events around me. I always had trouble paying attention to people, so I was often socially isolated. I believed that I could take concrete subjects of 'people and things' into my dream world, and hope I can make my desires come true…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 16, 2017 at 7:50am — 2 Comments

Truth is ironic

I feel as if my dream world is remotely the opposite from the real world. Shouldn't our heads tell us the truth? I mean sometimes our dreams do tell us what future events awaits us, whether your awake or asleep. You'll be surprised in the future that I has finally come true. But, usually, you foresee these upcoming events by accident, not that you really wanted to know. People call it foresight or prevision.



However, there are other dreams that are made up fantasies, such…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on September 2, 2017 at 8:31am — 2 Comments

Normalizing more

I have decided to move with my future. MDD has really put an effect on my life. Now I am waking up and staying awake. My MDD is now diminishing and I'm glad it is. I am able to listen better and talk into conversations. Also, I am able to follow movie dialogues better than before. Most importantly, I am following instructions better than ever. Hopefully I will see better things as the years pass. Thanks for talking with you guys.

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 28, 2017 at 11:04am — 1 Comment

Reading the Extrovert World

Sometimes, I feel like people can get thrown off my external appearance 'too fast' and 'too much,' when I can't help it! It leaves me feeling so very frustrated, and makes me wonder what I have just done. I have Autism, so it's always been hard to read people's minds and emotions. To me, everything is just a washed out glance at first. So this allows people to jump on conclusions and make up judgements that are way 'too quick' for me. Of course, these people don't know me from Adam's Apple…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 25, 2017 at 9:52am — No Comments

Nothing I can do about it...prefer being myself

I can see because I have Autism, my life looks far from perfect. Though, many neurotypicals are skilled to prevent this as much as possible. Autistic just aren't capable of being that conscientious to prevent social flaws in future. Neurotypical people do expect too much from us! They even see subtle nuances in a person that "they think" must be improved ongoingly. Otherwise they complain, criticize or make remarks. What they can't seem to realize is, "You are who you are." All my…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 24, 2017 at 1:11pm — No Comments

Autism Sucks

I have Autism. I always look forward to social situations, because often, I am constantly in a periphery. This is really embarrassing and the last thing I expect. Whenever I go back into the open crowd, people just immediately stare at me with a grin, pause, and shout "Smile!!" People are like this all the time with me. It's probably because I happen to always look all startled and serious...or sombre because I can feel tired. I am not a social butterfly and I am very introvert. So,…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 21, 2017 at 7:33am — No Comments

Growing

I notice when my MDD dwindled and I began to get real, everything all just fell back to "Life itself."  Whereas, when I was into my dreams, sort of out of it, all swirly eyed, I was practically deluded. I had misleading and deceiving beliefs towards things that couldn't possibly be realistic to my true 'barefaced' consciousness. It started really kicking in when my family and peers got significantly unpleasant towards my irresponsible, inconsiderate and irrational actions pertaining…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 17, 2017 at 8:32pm — No Comments

Lost Zone

I think that I see what's wrong.....

Because I day dreamed excessively for 20 years, the only life I ever knew exists inside my head....I only knew myself inside my head. In the real world, I have no life....I don't exist in reality....I'm currently not "somebody" at all. Seriously,

I rarely speak a word to 'real life' people. I practically don't have an existing personality. So, I don't exist in reality to present living people. Therefore, I've never had any relationships up to…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 15, 2017 at 10:01am — 1 Comment

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