Wild Minds Network

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Jessica Ballantyne's Blog (44)

Growing

I notice when my MDD dwindled and I began to get real, everything all just fell back to "Life itself."  Whereas, when I was into my dreams, sort of out of it, all swirly eyed, I was practically deluded. I had misleading and deceiving beliefs towards things that couldn't possibly be realistic to my true 'barefaced' consciousness. It started really kicking in when my family and peers got significantly unpleasant towards my irresponsible, inconsiderate and irrational actions pertaining…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 17, 2017 at 8:32pm — No Comments

Lost Zone

I think that I see what's wrong.....

Because I day dreamed excessively for 20 years, the only life I ever knew exists inside my head....I only knew myself inside my head. In the real world, I have no life....I don't exist in reality....I'm currently not "somebody" at all. Seriously,

I rarely speak a word to 'real life' people. I practically don't have an existing personality. So, I don't exist in reality to present living people. Therefore, I've never had any relationships up to…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 15, 2017 at 10:01am — 1 Comment

dreams don't manifest





I have idea if it was because of AUTISM. I look back at three decades. I smack my head and think, "what an idiot!" It was as if I was 'living in my own world.' Even if I was wide awake and here in this world, I ask myself, "Would I still have seen some differences? Wouldn't I have gotten some opportunities. What are the odds?" Of course, I knew a lot of jerks and bitches in my time. I can't help the fact many people can be jerks....especially to somebody as socially awkward and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 14, 2017 at 8:30am — No Comments

Vice Versa if only

I think that I see why now. Why I never got anything I wanted. I never spoke up! I didn't ever socialize. I never got into people's faces. I lived in other worlds. I buried myself away from others.



I mean, if people really want something, they go for it! They talk about it to others. They're socially open and active. Whereas, I was very shy. I am still shy today.



I lost because I went to sleep. Then I was too scared to speak my mind....I didn't do this for a…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2017 at 5:30pm — 1 Comment

Pretending

It seems clear, I live on 'planet Jessica.' I am so unique. In a way, everything I do is questionable to people. Well, I also happen to have autism spectrum disorder. I mean, I do certain things with my hands, face, eye movements and body gestures that may come off as weird to everyone else. When I was so much younger, I thought people wouldn't think anything of this, perhaps be open to it, or at least not react like I am completely nuts. I believed that I would see stuff I wanted…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on August 6, 2017 at 8:02pm — No Comments

Just life

I have always wanted to date people and maintain a relationship. I have never experienced this. I am 31 years old!

I have spent a lifetime of dealing with people who didn't like who I was. What I mean is, I have always had problems getting intimate with people. I was an intensely timid and quiet person. So, either nobody noticed I was there or it they did, they never really gave a shit.



Well, I spent my entire life day dreaming about being people I'm totally not and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 31, 2017 at 11:54am — 1 Comment

Follow this link!

I gasped when I saw the 10th reason why you waste your life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=835k6k4eJgc

Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 25, 2017 at 1:43pm — No Comments

Talk Show

This morning I was sitting at the TV having my breakfast. My mother went out shopping, so I was alone in the kitchen.

I suddenly began to fall into a fantasy where I was being interviewed in a talk show about my life long struggles with Asperger Syndrome and how I am overcoming it very slowly. I began talking towards the TV with my hands waving around while eating and sipping my coffee. In my head, I was talking to a talk show host in front of a big audience of people and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 25, 2017 at 6:53am — 2 Comments

social skills

I have been alone for quite a long time. I see my best girl pal occasionally, but most times, I spend a majority of my life in a very introverted setting. Whether I do art, read a book, serf the web or write articles I always just sit there all by myself.

Only time I ever really socialize is when I play Badminton and Volleyball at a local recreational center with team members, about twice a week. I am still trying to broaden my social strategies in wherever there's a group get together.…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 22, 2017 at 8:38pm — 3 Comments

Refresh

I think, I get this.



I've been living in worlds of 'my own' for so long, I never payed attention to whose really 'here.' That is why my life looks so empty of people. MDD made me far less interactive than I should have been. So, now that I learned, I have to pick up from where I left everything, and 'refresh' my life. Unfortunately, I waited later into my 30's to start doing this, because I've been such an idiot in my youth. I also have to return to school and change my…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 21, 2017 at 7:55am — No Comments

My Glassy Life

I grew up around my grade school peers for years, although I had very little in common with them. I wasn't their kind and couldn't seem to speak their language. Well even after my College years, I looked up old peers on Facebook, and noticed they were living their lives to the fullest." They were never alone." Pictures sprawled on timeline pages showing their friends, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, children and family. Although, I would try to keep  in touch with Facebook chat box…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 19, 2017 at 3:45pm — 2 Comments

Wasn't thinking

I am sort of shocked at all things I never knew about, while growing up in my hometown all these years. For instance,

why so many people wanted to 'pick on me' or blame me for something, almost with no mercy. It is as if how I felt made

no difference. Also, of course, why people refused to befriend me, or even date me, all because I appeared very peculiar

on the outside. Like, I almost wasn't talking...almost not at all. I was always thinking, drifting, pondering or…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 18, 2017 at 5:35pm — No Comments

Mother

My mom is so mean. I innocently come downstairs to the kitchen for food. She's is always talking a lot. Me, almost never. Anyway, she'll ask me or tell me about something she observed in the news or in a TV show. It will be about a person or some catchy reference. Anyway, I can be slow at responding, kind of like a man. Anyway, I can be wide awake at least, when she's got something to say. If I don't react the way she wants me to, well, she'll suddenly wail at me so loudly and…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 17, 2017 at 4:28pm — No Comments

Learned my lesson

This morning I was practically torn to pieces. It's a long story, but it's a combination of my maladaptive dreaming and

my struggles with social skills. Since I was a little thing, I always dreamed of having lots of friends and experiencing relationships. I always wanted romance in my life and it was never there, so I have always been a single female. Mostly,

I always wondered what it was like to be a well-liked and well-admired woman. Right now, I am the biggest loner in…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 15, 2017 at 6:39pm — 6 Comments

Surround Awareness

Sitting in a sandwich shop in Toronto, while eating my lunch, I noticed how tunnel visioned I really am. I was completely focused on my food, but time slipped by, as I was thinking (or day dreaming) of interesting things. All the noise, sunlight and chattery conversations faded as I went deeper into my mind. Suddenly, when finishing up my sandwich, I realized how very quiet, but also, "so very gone" I was while having my lunch. Usually, this happens at dinner time, and my family…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 11, 2017 at 4:47pm — 1 Comment

It never occurred to me

Daydreaming excessively for 20 years, I am beginning to see how day dreaming has put an immense impact on my life. Seeing that I struggle in both the career and relationship sector at the age of 31. It effected my power to listen, speak, interact and concentrate on anything for a lengthy amount of time. I have met dozens of people who clearly evaluated my lack of oral communication skills, which included listening carefully and carrying on conversations. Others were critically hard…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 8, 2017 at 9:03pm — No Comments

Adeline

Has anybody seen "The Age of Adeline?" It's about a woman who never ages for over a 100 years. You see her out 'on the run' through the decades. I always imagined what it would be like to have this vampire syndrome. I've actually used to believe that they're people out there who can live forever. A friend told me this, but at first, I thought she was being funny.

I actually watched the Twilight movies, and I'd hit the showers, wondering if I'll ever meet someone like a Cullen or…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 6, 2017 at 8:41pm — No Comments

Success is all in your drive and your mind power

MDD is only your own personal sub-conscious journey into the realm of the unreal. If you want something, but in reality, you have to literally "act" towards it! There's no way MDD can give you the future you expected, but only in your own imagination, not in the realistic world. So basically, we all choose to delve into our own unrealistic goals in the fake world. Goals and ambitions real life and time that can only "limit" giving us all, or none if that may be. In reality, it…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 6, 2017 at 3:48pm — 2 Comments

Just wondering

Has anybody ever had a tough, embarrassing and traumatic background etc. too much bullying and harassment, not fitting in EVER, being misunderstood, especially not getting the 'big picture' until your so much older. Does it ever feel creepy (haunting) to revisit those moments in your life and finally see what went wrong, even though, it was so many years ago **decades ago**, it's kind of late to resolve them or explain to someone what's up etc. maladaptive daydreaming or social…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on July 5, 2017 at 1:09pm — 2 Comments

What were we thinking?

Maladaptive daydreaming for 20+ years, I used to think it was radical, exciting, comforting and somehow believed it promised a happy and fortunate future. Today, I tell myself, "What in the heck was I thinking?"

My future today is so much different from what I expected at age 18. It is very disappointing, boring, repressive, nerve wracking and a pain in the ass. Let's put it this way, I never saw anything I wanted. I just live and put up with my old parents. In fact, my family now…

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Added by Jessica Ballantyne on June 29, 2017 at 6:30pm — 2 Comments

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