For as long as I can remember my son (now 12) has had a very vivid imagination and deep connection to a world he has developed. He doesn’t talk much about it but I know his characters have been around for years. They have varying intertwined relationships, symbols, personalities etc. While he “plays” he will pace, flap his arms and hands, and talk to himself. He does this everyday. It is a must for him. Some days, if he has time, he’ll “play” for hours. Although 45 minutes is typical. His stories seem to be influenced by movies and TV, but not always (I can tell by just over hearing what he is saying out loud.) He has told me that his characters might have a few storylines going at a time and that he keeps track of them all. 

Other than that he is a pretty typical kid. We have a great, loving bond, he has plenty of friends at school (although he prefers to have plenty of alone time he will play with kids outside of school too), he has a really well developed sense of empathy and is very easygoing. His teachers always talk about how much everyone likes him and how he can move easily between different groups of kids. He has some learning disabilities (dyslexia) and ADD. He is really disorganized and distracted a lot of the time and has trouble pulling out of it.

For the most part we are very supportive of his daydreaming time. We know that it is filling a need and that it is very important for him, so we just give him time and space to do it. What I’m worried about is the connection between MD and other mental health issues that are strong in my family tree. I would love to help him find other hobbies (he really has none) and other ways to fulfill whatever MD is fulfilling.

I am wondering if you all, as adults, have any suggestions. Anything you wished your parents had done? Any ways to talk to him in a supportive way but also help him understand some of the pitfalls of becoming too reliant on his inner world?

Sorry about the length! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and consider.

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Thank you so much for responding Theaxe. My biggest worry is what you describe as your fantasizing eliminating real-life ambition. Although he has great social skills and many meaningful personal connections he has no hobbies or interests. He little ability for sustained attention for anything besides fantasizing in his free time.

I think it might be time to help him understand a little more about his play so we can validate what’s cool about it (I think it shows amazing creativity) and warn him of the possible struggles.

thanks for sharing your doubt that it is connected to other mental health issues, since there isn’t much to read on the topic hearing the prospective from MDers is really helpful!

Theaxe said:

It sounds like that the ice is broken just by his admitting about his characters. If there is dialogue between you two occasionally, then you've created a situation where he will not feel scared about what he's doing. 

I'm in my forties now, and MD wasn't known and there was no way to even talk about it with others to find some commonality with my friends. It was an immensely personal and private condition.  As a child, I remember being in my bedroom, listening to (loud) music and imagining I was the performer on stage with a band being adored by fans. The few times my mom walked in on me in the throes of fantasizing, she disapprovingly snarled, "What are you doing?" I'd recheck into idiot-mode, and just say, "Nothing."

I guess it was clear that if I was confronted, I was mortified.

You on the other hand seem to have a different relationship with your son, and if he's willing to know more about MD, you have the ability to educate him on what you've read so far.  

My regret in life was that my fantasizing eliminated my real-life ambition to do more academically. In school, I grazed by with average grades just to pass my courses. I chose a soft-career that didn't require anything physical or left-brained thinking. I avoided groups and difficult tasks to save myself from rejection, failure, or having to re-do anything. To be snug in my dream world was preferred, and I'm paying for it now as an adult. I don't make any money, and I'm not doing anything great with my life. Again, in my adult life I turn to my Mary Sue character in a daydream to feel better about this.  It seems my MD started this mess, and now I use MD as a way to cope and soothe.

In my personal opinion, I don't believe MD is linked with any mental illness because I personally can't identify with that. It just is what it is. If you feel he might develop something down the road, you might want to look for clues that aren't related to MD. MD seems to mask a lot of problems, so that's why I applaud your ability to communicate with your son to make him feel safe and loved (even if he might feel ridiculous).

I just hope he doesn't make the same mistakes that we've all made which is deny ourselves education, ambition in life, and develop good relationship skills. In my case, I married so late in life, and wished I had done more to look back on and say I felt like I accomplished something. Gentle coaxing and reminding that his MD must not be more important than real life is a start as he gets older.  Good luck!

Thanks for your response. We do Lots of things around the city and I try to get him involved in all sorts of creative things, acting, writing, drawing, stop animation movie making... none of those things have stuck, but after reading what you both wrote I’ll keep trying to get him engaged with other creative outlets!

thanks again, I really appreciate your thoughts

Dimmer said:

I agree with Theaxe, the things that became the biggest problems were the times away from other things.  Time spent not learning how to socialize with peers because I preferred to be alone, time spent putting off tasks as long as possible and building habits of avoidance and procrastination, time spent doing the bare minimum so I could skate through without people hassling me.  Year after year what that builds up to is being behind, behind in your career, student debt without proficiency in any of the skills you set out to learn, nonexistant social networks and trouble building new ones.  Ingrained habits which seem impossible to break.  On top of that time away from those other things was time spent building amazing stories and characters that make you feel good and give comfort, after investing years into it it's hard to let go even if you realize the damage you've done to yourself.

So I guess what I think would have helped is to have been more engaged... even just little things really would have gone a long way... having parents who are involved in my education, for example, help with homework, sign up for events and bakesales or whatever they do at schools these days to stay engaged.  Go out, literally anywhere, museums, farmers markets, walks, whatever, value experiences and encourage them.  He won't lose his imagination but it can be used for so much more than internal stories and can become a great asset if applied to other skillsets.  Of course there's nothing wrong with elaborate fantasy, you just don't want it to turn into a pattern of destructive behavior.  

Theaxe, I never thought of asking what he does in his fantasies! What a great idea to try and find ways to make those dreams more of a reality. As far as I understand he bounces between several different characters that are all interacting with each other, so he bounces between them depending on what is happening. Although there are some that he prefers (there is a female character that he says “talks to much by always trying to give pep talks” that he doesn’t like but is necessary ;). They seem to be in a lot of battles, so maybe some cos-play would be fun!

Theaxe said:

You know what I would have wished for when I was a child?...to have my parents know what I fantasized about to tap in to my true dreams.  Since I was so interested in music and acting, I would have LOVED music lessons.  My parents seemed to be happy to keep me in cheap sports and dance classes where I had no talent, and no real interest.

If my parents only knew that my dream was to play guitar and sing, maybe they would have tied in real-life ambition with the dream.

All of us with MD dream differently. Some of us write or draw and even those talents have so many facets. Such as drawing can lead to cartooning or architure. Writing could lead to fiction-writing or writing in some capacity in marketing or advertising.  We don't all have the ability to be famous or creative on a level that many celebrities are, but perhaps our inner wish to do something that we dream of might be the ticket to tapping in to real life ambition.

Lauren said:

Thank you so much for responding Theaxe. My biggest worry is what you describe as your fantasizing eliminating real-life ambition. Although he has great social skills and many meaningful personal connections he has no hobbies or interests. He little ability for sustained attention for anything besides fantasizing in his free time.

I think it might be time to help him understand a little more about his play so we can validate what’s cool about it (I think it shows amazing creativity) and warn him of the possible struggles.

thanks for sharing your doubt that it is connected to other mental health issues, since there isn’t much to read on the topic hearing the prospective from MDers is really helpful!

Theaxe said:

It sounds like that the ice is broken just by his admitting about his characters. If there is dialogue between you two occasionally, then you've created a situation where he will not feel scared about what he's doing. 

I'm in my forties now, and MD wasn't known and there was no way to even talk about it with others to find some commonality with my friends. It was an immensely personal and private condition.  As a child, I remember being in my bedroom, listening to (loud) music and imagining I was the performer on stage with a band being adored by fans. The few times my mom walked in on me in the throes of fantasizing, she disapprovingly snarled, "What are you doing?" I'd recheck into idiot-mode, and just say, "Nothing."

I guess it was clear that if I was confronted, I was mortified.

You on the other hand seem to have a different relationship with your son, and if he's willing to know more about MD, you have the ability to educate him on what you've read so far.  

My regret in life was that my fantasizing eliminated my real-life ambition to do more academically. In school, I grazed by with average grades just to pass my courses. I chose a soft-career that didn't require anything physical or left-brained thinking. I avoided groups and difficult tasks to save myself from rejection, failure, or having to re-do anything. To be snug in my dream world was preferred, and I'm paying for it now as an adult. I don't make any money, and I'm not doing anything great with my life. Again, in my adult life I turn to my Mary Sue character in a daydream to feel better about this.  It seems my MD started this mess, and now I use MD as a way to cope and soothe.

In my personal opinion, I don't believe MD is linked with any mental illness because I personally can't identify with that. It just is what it is. If you feel he might develop something down the road, you might want to look for clues that aren't related to MD. MD seems to mask a lot of problems, so that's why I applaud your ability to communicate with your son to make him feel safe and loved (even if he might feel ridiculous).

I just hope he doesn't make the same mistakes that we've all made which is deny ourselves education, ambition in life, and develop good relationship skills. In my case, I married so late in life, and wished I had done more to look back on and say I felt like I accomplished something. Gentle coaxing and reminding that his MD must not be more important than real life is a start as he gets older.  Good luck!

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