This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 23, 2021 at 10:23pm

Yeah, it's not like I've made people swoon for me either. I did do some good in people's lives, but still no one's attracted to me yet. So even I'm not too good at it either.

Maybe, when I start working, it will all change, but let's see what happens.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 23, 2021 at 1:58pm

Ok, so obviously I didn't win many hearts, almost none. We all can't be heart-steeling heroes. Sometimes, we're plain dorks with underwhelming qualities. At least we can say, we tried. I think my problem is that I bored the shit out of everyone with my poor verbal skills or lack there of. I grew up 'living in my head' not to wake up and realize that powerful factor any time soon. Of course, it wasn't always about "talking," my overall persona was also exceptional for anybody's taste. Apparently, I'm not in the norm. All who I've ever met was in the norm. 
Sometimes, you have to look way harder than most people. 

I'm thinking, seeking a love life seems impossible for someone like me, although sometimes I find that hard to believe. Sometimes, when I smile, I look a bit like Scarlet Johansen.

Anyway, I decided to focus on my own goals and life pursuits, and make sure I can support myself someday. Since I can't just make assumptions that I will marry, when in reality, it's extremely hard to foretell and my life always looks the same. There's no doubt I'm going to be single for a while. As long as I love what I'm doing and I'm doing well in health, and I have a sense of humour, I'm sure I'll get along just fine. 








Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 23, 2021 at 1:06pm

Sometimes, when I look at the past, I feel so nauseated. Everybody was laughing at me and playing with me unfairly. And nobody cared, because they all had the same views on me. It worries me that something like this will happen again. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 23, 2021 at 7:37am

I also expected to at least have a live-in partner by now, but everybody was so frustrated with my silence that it just never happened. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 23, 2021 at 7:36am

I my 20's, I was confident I knew what was in store for my future, without getting experience and gathering up the facts first. Now I'm shocked. I had no idea how many people were going to disagree with me. It's like I lived in my own dreamworld. I wish that I woke up and smelled the coffee, and realize that getting a better and happier life does take work and struggle. But I was just so young and stupid, complacent too. I didn't even realize that taking "art classes" was going to get me nowhere. I was so excited about starting life and adulthood, after leaving in high school. I looked forward to all the things I believed I can do. But I was oblivious of the harsh cold truth up ahead, which eventually hit me over the head. Now I still live with my parents, fighting to survive. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 23, 2021 at 7:14am

I'm getting anxious lately. I have 2-3 weeks to apply to a college, and I still haven't made a final decision on a program. My dad has crossed out most possibilities, except product design and cad drafting, which are hard to find being eligible for governmental funding at the colleges I'm looking at. I wonder how everything is going to turn out in the end. My dad and I will be talking this weekend. This is nerve wracking. I really wish that I can get a job, but getting an interview is like pulling teeth right now. I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I'm not very good at beating around the ATS readers. 

Lately, I feel like shit, especially in the mornings. I'm not talkative at all, and I find it hard to move or do anything. When you turn 35, your muscles start to lose a percentage of mass. It's really awful and uncomfortable. Feel grateful that you're in your early 20's. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 22, 2021 at 10:21am

I think along the way...when I was in my wonder years. I thought that I was invincible and believed I can be a better ME, but instead of working very hard to make it happen, I just sat around and daydreamed about it for hours in the day. My point is when I was growing up, I didn't think to physically self-improve myself...I just believed that everything will come out of a daydream. I was very quiet too, in the duration of it all, so nobody ever noticed that I was there..and if they did, they only remarked on how far away I looked...and how quiet I was. So I was actually doing myself more harm than good. So in the present, I'm really sore hearted at how much I lost. There was something naturally wrong with me that didn't go well with others. I'm honestly not like anybody else I've ever met—so I didn't connect well with anyone. Plus nobody understood my kind of intellect and mindset, like my parents do. Basically, they judged me based on how I appeared and behaved on the outside. So they drew up assumptions towards my mental health and how I displayed myself in public. So many of them didn't like me, nor were they comfortable around me, in fact, they balked and retorted comments. Ironically, when I believed MDD was guiding me for better things to come, it was actually doing the opposite. It made me deprived of friends and made me in need of therapy counselling, and it made me jobless. 

I did have an occupation for a few years, which I liked, but covid came, and I was out of work for months and months, living on CERB and employment insurance, and considering a certificate program at a well rounded college. It was just my luck that things just didn't work out as I expected them to. Frankly, real life does not look like your expectations. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 22, 2021 at 10:06am

 Same with my parents, they could only do so much for me. It was always up to me to get experience and find out, but that's what I failed to do. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 22, 2021 at 10:04am

Yeah, my dad also did give me some good advice, on how to be, as a person. But my parents didn't care to give me social tips, so I could've mingled better. I had to learn that from friends.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 22, 2021 at 9:01am

My dad gave me a lot of good advice, and I didn't really take it seriously. Now I feel sad that I didn't follow his advice in the first place. It's like I was too complacent. 

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