This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 18, 2021 at 10:04am

I think that I expected so much, so soon. And nothing came. Maybe it wasn't the right timing or I didn't do the right things. Still, I find it hard to understand why nothing came up...You expect things from life...and they're just a no show?

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 18, 2021 at 9:15am

I think my problem is that I ground myself up in the same place, where nobody can meet and see me. And I tend to be verbally and emotionally "shut off" on others, like a wall. When all they're trying to do is get to know me. 
So they gave up on me altogether. I expected to get engaged, but I didn't come along, probably because I didn't pay attention to others, but also, I never met anybody who was just like me. Meanwhile, I'm just sailing through life all by myself...

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 18, 2021 at 7:41am

I think my difficulty could be that I'm Atypical. This world is dominantly run by Neurotypicals. So I'm expected to shape up and behave like them?? Problem is we are all born in different shapes and forms. Our brains are not all the same, and we come from different tribes. How can we all "talk and look" the same?? 

I think my biggest weakness is definitely talking up for myself way more. I've been normal to myself, but for everybody else that wasn't the case. They found something not quite normal and right about me. Maybe I kept on meeting the wrong people and joining the wrong crowds. It's very baffling out there, when you're trying to find the right match. It's super hard when you don't have the courage to get out there and talk to others every single day. 

I never understood why it was YES for everybody else, and NO for me. Maybe they found me the weakest and dumbest looking person around. I honestly didn't open my mouth that much. Bottom line is they found me socially weird. 

But that is why I want to change and renew myself, so these issues do not persist. There are so many values I learned today, which I had no idea about when I was 15. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 18, 2021 at 7:20am

Yeah, that's about what I wanna do as well. I'm taking steps for it, but it has been real slow. I attended an interview today, got a test for tomorrow. So I gotta check to see how that goes.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 18, 2021 at 7:18am

What I'd change about my life is being more approachable and giving others a strong, positive and friendly-going impression. Take life's matters way more seriously and stop being a goof. Get out of my cocoon and show my face to the world, and take part in a community. Think and create things on an ongoing basis—I've been blocked and uninspired in this virus. Thrive in a career that I would actually enjoy. Learn to be an independent adult. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 17, 2021 at 3:38pm

Prove to people that I am a smart person, very talented, and geared to further my education, above all, see the world. I'm not what I appear..they got it wrong. Everybody has goals and ambitions. To change my life, I will not let anybody bring me down. I will bring myself up. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 17, 2021 at 1:06pm

I'm quite disappointed with where I am at 35. I always thought I was a smart, liable and talented young person. I believed I'd land a permanent or long-term career after college. My career life is spotty and unsuccessful, and many people found me kind of a joke. Found me a doofus on the job. Probably cause I was dreaming and not listening up—and speaking up. Unable to critically think what's happening on the scene and how to solve problems independently, without them budding into to assist. In fact, they found me slow and dumb, with no people skills. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 16, 2021 at 7:46am

I get these tensions headaches as well, because I don't hit the gym, which is off limits right now. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 16, 2021 at 7:45am

I'm so tardy in the mornings. I honestly don't bounce around until 3pm in the afternoons. But when I wake up, I'm slow as hell. It takes me a long time to eat my breakfast. It's embarrassing. My breathing is thick, head is still asleep and I move like an old lady. I think being inactive for many months during this pandemic has caused my physical health to decline. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 15, 2021 at 10:56am

In fact, guys are usually mean. They'll jump on the fact I'm quiet, right away. It doesn't take them long. Then I feel put on the spout, as they scowl, snort and cackle at me. 

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