This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 22, 2021 at 8:59am

I do have a few regrets in my past...

I wish that I chose my career path very wisely. I jumped into a program that was too hard for me. Now I have to switch to something else—11 years later. And I seriously wish that I continued learning after I graduated, instead of relying on getting a job. 

I wish that I payed more attention to people and stayed connected with my colleagues and professors. After I graduated from college, my life went *crickets.* I just didn't go out like I used to anymore. My dad TOLD me about this and I just wan't listening. 

Only way to grow and learn, is to try new things everyday, and I just stuck to my usual day routines and habits. So everything has just gone stale. 






Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 21, 2021 at 12:09pm

It blows my mind the the social cues that I didn't read up on and comprehend, for the past 29 years I lived in my hometown. I had no clue why everybody kept on teasing and manipulating me all through grade school, of course they're adults now. Why the strong feelings, strange faces and angry outbursts? Why was I the biggest target?

I realize they thought I was so stupid, because I stood there..and didn't talk..at all and probably rarely ever. I also had trouble paying attention to my surrounding environment. I just got eaten alive, and had no idea why, because I lived in my head. They were frustrated that I simply couldn't talk, interact and be friendly. They didn't think I was normal. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 21, 2021 at 9:27am

Job boards are slow at posting. I apply to 3-5 companies a day. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 21, 2021 at 8:56am

I'm freaking out, right now. I still haven't decided on a program and a college, and have to make an application in 3 weeks time. So I'm reaching to all sorts of schools. My dad crossed out a lot of program possibilities. I chose two programs at Sheridan that we both liked, and neither of them were possible. I have to think of something, or else I'll be late and won't be going.


Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 21, 2021 at 8:51am

Yeah, it makes sense. I have to get out there and start working. I'm still looking for a jobs, and the interviews I did, didn't go too well.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 21, 2021 at 6:13am

I'm mad at myself. Like I wasn't ever realistic with myself. I wanted to attend art college, and be an artist, possibly marry someday. That didn't work out. Now I have to rethink my career or else be lucky enough to get a job. And I just sat at home all the time, barely socialized. Didn't go anywhere. What did I expect??? Everything takes a bit of effort. You can't just sit on your ass and ponder about it. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 20, 2021 at 6:15pm

Nah, it's alright. I just got caught up in this loop of wake up, play, eat, sleep. And plus the daydreaming too, which gives me hurtful scenarios these days.

I do want to impact others' lives in a good way myself, but I wonder how much have I actually done.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 20, 2021 at 10:58am

In order to make yourself happy, you need to make others happy first. What I did was think only of myself. I lived in the world of ME. It doesn't come across very well with others. Basically, they spat at me. Moved on without me, of course. It's the impression I gave others, that was the problem. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 20, 2021 at 7:59am

Pardon all my messages. It's the full moon tonight and it raises my energy levels. Gives me so many thoughts. 

I think my real problem is that I wasn't interactive. I wasn't approachable on people, and I wasn't talkative around them. So this infuriated them and they turned away from me. 

I daydreamed about what I wanted for years...but I didn't stop to think, "Wait a second, nothing ever gets better or shows up, what's going on? Am I doing something terribly wrong?" I do recall receiving lots of negative feedback on a constant basis by others. 

Daydreams do make you feel better, temporarily, but they are just not real life. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 20, 2021 at 7:16am

This is what I want and not want...

I don't want that kind of attention, where people are staring at the fact I have a social disorder, and all the assets that come with it (smiling, talking, interacting, eye contact, hearing). 

I do want people to look at me like I'm a person, not a label. I want them to like me and want to hang out with me. Accept me for who I naturally am, not what's suggested of society. I want to find someone who actually wants to date me and be my friend. 


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