Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I have options but I need to work hard, and not be complacent anymore. I hope I stay right on track.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm thinking, I should start over. My last ten years were very bad. I wasn't successful. I kept on falling down. Obviously, I picked the wrong career. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel as if life passed on without me and I'm faced the aftermath of my MD, all alone. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I woke up this morning to realize everything that happened to me, happened for a logical and realistic reason. I was so busy daydreaming in my head, that I was extremely quiet on the outside. This infuriated everybody around me, so they gossiped behind my back or harassed me, or tried to get my attention in a playful manner. Not only that, what I did was maladaptive, so I didn't learn new things along the way, such as cooking. Now I almost do nothing. I also waited around complacency for a love interested to show up in my life, and this didn't ever happen. I used to stare around my backyard and cottage site, thinking about it all the time. Like, "Where is he." It didn't make a world of difference. You have to pay attention to people—and talk to them in the face. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'll never get a job this fall, it's so hard. I'm not getting any feedback. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wake up to the same drill and daily routine. I get up in the morning, have a coffee and bagel, mom maybe comments on my frozen appearance. Then I go up and get dressed. Sit on my computer for hours to job hunt or work on a graphic. Then I go out for a walk and check the mail. At night I'll have a drink, watch a TV premiere or a Netflix movie. Do a late night check up on emails. Then go to bed. That is my day.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

If I want to be liked, I'll do need to make sure I'm in the right crowd. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just wondering if all those people found me so boring. They couldn't get a word out of me, and I drove them nuts not speaking up. They were all chatty and extravert. I'm also wondering if they found me awfully dumb and can't do anything right. I mean, they were different tribes, as I remind myself. But I hope to meet someone who has far more respect for me, than this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I was thinking of the past...everything happened for a very good reason. I did live in my own world...and it made me a very quiet person. Living in your head does that to you. Anyway, I actually frustrated all those people and I made them get very concerned and critical on me. I mean, they were right. I needed to shape up. 

As for my MD, no matter how beautiful, amazing and glorious it seemed in my head, this didn't mean I was going to get a happy and wonderful future. In fact, anybody who lives would've found what I'm doing is insane.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Why did I discontinue school in the 2010's? That was awfully dumb. Especially when not foreseeing a big pandemic over the horizon.