Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

What's the hidden job market, by the way?

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I have to start from internships from scratch, or look for odd jobs or something. I need a job that at least pays my expenses, for the time being

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It might've been another lifetime ago when I was a teenager, but it's as if I lived in a world of my own, and had no inclination of what was actually happening around me. It's even been that way up until now. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is driving me nuts. The job boards are slowing down, especially indeed. I apply to 2-4 jobs a day. I need to looking into the hidden job market. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really didn't see the future awaiting me, when red flags were everywhere. I just assumed things were going to get better and happier, and they never did. It's like a slap in the face. People in general look at you and make the same quick judgement towards the same issue you're trying to fix for years. You think your life could change up the road, and that's not reality. You need to have a natural ability to attract people, or else you toast. I may find a few good friends in my lifetime who will understand that I'm far from ideal. 

I actually could've went back to school sooner, if I had realized this career will not work out. I can't believe how stupid and ignorant I was in my twenties. Back in 2017, my dad was advising I look up job posts of skilled trades that will guarantee a long lasting career. I'm not sure if I was discouraged or unmotivated, but I got a Christmas job that fall, and dropped the process, then forgot about it. Proceeded to work at Parts Avatar until they gave me leave due to covid-19. Then I had a very difficult time finding a new job for many months to come. I really regret not taking that course of action. 

As far as relationships go, nobody knows that I exist, and even if I didn't appear, they wouldn't pay attention. Although, I've had a few smart asses come at me and criticize my quiet and timid nature. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I know how you're feeling. I feel the exact same way. 2 years, the lockdown years, I could've learned something but no, I spent it daydreaming and gaming. Only now, I've decided to take the next step and actively apply for jobs. 

As far as relationships go, well, no one is interested in me despite talking a lot. But hey, let's see how that goes.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Actually, I was so complacent that I f***** myself, basically. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is my fault. I should've focused on me and made sure I was fine. I never should've waited around for my one true love to appear. It's complicated for everybody, and you need to wait and test people out, something I didn't ever do, because I didn't socialize. Who did I think I was? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I actually regret my decisions over a decade prior. I wish that did my research before deciding to jump into graphic design. When I graduated, my dad suggested starting a business. But I knew nothing about business, so I decided to look for work, and I'm been at it for 10 years. Now it's harder than ever to get a job, and I'll have to return to college. Meanwhile, I still live at home, when I'm old enough to live in my own place. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'll tell you how I feel. I'm still not independent myself, and I find that embarrassing. It's as though I'm a big baby in adult clothing—at 35. It can't escape me how I got to be this way. I'm obviously not the grown up I thought I was going to be. Something happened along the way, like my mom pampered me and did too much for me, she didn't give me independent freedom when I was growing as a child. I was either being babysat or looked over by her at home, but it's not like I ran amuck with kids and did small odd jobs for neighbours. I was literally coddled, which I find regrettable. When I was growing up, and really wasn't growing up. I didn't learn anything. I never even worked a day in my life until I was 19. In fact, I had it so soft and cushy, it lulled me into complacency and then my daydreams launched. I really should've been told the harsh cold realities out there well in advance. 
And doing MD, I wasted god knows how many years of my life. So I will have to start fresh. My career did not work out and I'm biting my nails on what to do next.