Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly wish I hadn't started MD. Seriously. If I had been aware of that world in my teens, I would've stopped and corrected myself. I was just too young and naive back then. When you grow up in daydream land, you don't absorb your surroundings as fast as others who live outside their heads. So your malformed of those realities.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really want to meet a genuinely good person who will help, maybe one I can pair up with. Everybody else is such a snob. It's my lack of voice that kills it for them. They can't hear anything and suddenly think I'm stupid. 

I have been out with a couple guys, but not romantically. Except this one time I met a guy at a family birthday party and we kissed in the park. But we didn't get together. Other times I danced with two guys at a club, and one gave me a pass. Regards, I've never been in a serious relationship in my life. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it's quite a cold world out there, but it's not all thorns, I can tell you that. There are people who are genuinely good and will help, if you're good to them in turn.

I didn't even get a chance to date in the first place, although maybe I might have, had I spoke up after spotting some signs correctly..

I'm waiting for the pandemic to get over ASAP, so I can meet some of the people I've made friends with online, in real life.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I grew up with this belief system in my town. Now I see that my beliefs are stupid and unrealistic. I've finally outgrown my MD life. I sort of had a chance to date someone, but I didn't speak up. Bored and frustrated everybody, and then they moved on. I basically gave them all the impression I wasn't a well-liked and sociable person. I got too carried away with my imagination, wasn't serious towards life itself. The bottom line, I lived in my own world. 

Thing is I want to move on too. I want to see what's out there and meet people. COVID is making this so damn difficult. Luckily I'm getting my second booster shot this Saturday, and in two weeks I'm fully vaccinated. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My mom once told me, "You have to take of yourself or else you're going to get picked on. If you can't take care of yourself, you're dead." Pardon my French. It you let yourself go, things are not going to get better. People will just continue to do what they do. I learned that the hard way. Unfortunately when I was a teen, I didn't know any better. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm unsettled by this, but the circumstances of how I live and whom I'm about reflects off everyone I encounter. People can actually tell by looking at me how my life is going. They can see I don't socialize and have it great. And they don't have to know me. They could be perfect strangers off the street. I've had some people to randomly come over and make an embarrassing remark in a cheeky way. I'm wondering if it's because of my energy or just the first impression I give to the world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, I'm 35 years old, I have no choice but to change my life. I need to have that energy, or else I'll never get through. Apparently I live with an authoritative figure who will not let me off the hook. She thinks I'm too buggered to live my own life and take on adult responsibilities. As a matter of fact, I spent my whole life not being trusted by others because of my shape of intellect. I don't know how it got to be this way...it's an awful way to start your adulthood. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, well, I hope to get my head out of my imaginary world soon, so that I can at least do something to survive and live peacefully. That's what I'm aiming for. My job need not be something I'm super passionate about, as long as I don't have a toxic work environment and I have a decent paygrade, that's enough. 

It's good that you realized this and you're motivated to change your life. I wish I had that level of energy.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I could've handled my "social disorder" differently by seeking therapy, if I felt cut out like that. I didn't have to go and start daydreaming to an extent it practically effected my life. Now I'm kind of mad that I did this. I really wished I used my brain and realized this is harmful stuff. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's creepy how you don't notice the big picture until you're fully grown. All my life, I scratched my head as to why I simply didn't fit in and why nobody noticed or even cared how I felt. Why everybody made my life difficult and never explained why. It was my mental health that stirred things up. They actually did not find me a normal person. I nearly didn't talk at all, so they played me in a really unfair way. They treated me like I was so stupid and weak. Also their tribes weren't right for me. Then after graduation, I did something I shouldn't have. I decided to stay in my home town and pine over what happened and hope somebody new and significant will enter my life—without even going out. It took me until 35 to figure out what doesn't make sense and why I failed. 
I decided I'm going to change my lifestyle...after covid. I will do whatever it takes.