This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 1, 2021 at 7:13am

I stopped MD, as I took it too far. It started before I was old enough to get my facts straight and reason with what went on between me and others. I was in my thirties when I finally understood what went wrong in the past. I had to be an adult to see it all. By then, all my peers have moved on. But I know for certain I won't carry on the same way again, whenever I meet new people. It's strange how we see the big picture late in the game. 

I held onto the past too long. Now I feel funky that I still live in an area that I grew up in all my life. It's all because I let myself be haunted be events that are long gone. Interestingly enough, I never heard from these people ever since. And why I still remember my junior high teacher, he was just overly curious about my case, and he got into my own business. 

When I was doing MD, I always imagined myself to be people who I'll never be. I can tell, because when I encounter new people, they find me very quiet (and dumb), and unable to perform properly, and unwilling to be warm, friendly and social. And of course I never had a partner. 

The point is that life has to carry on. We made a lot of mistakes and things went corrupt. But we also have to learn from this and not do the same things again. 






Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 31, 2021 at 1:22pm

I'm just very concerned about my future. This covid business just screwed everything up for me. I have no choice but to work very hard and attack fully to get an employer's attention. Otherwise the ATS machines are going to keep turning down my resume. Otherwise it's back to college in the winter. 

I can't be sure if I was young and inexperienced in my teens and early adulthood, but I was so entitled and stupid. I wasn't paying close attention to other people's feelings and reactions towards me and how I was impacting them. I used to think I was RIGHT and I didn't really care, because I lived in my head. And all my actions lead to me falling behind in life and staying under the poverty line. It's like I thought I was some prima donna and I can still get ahead and succeed WITHOUT doing much about it.

Now that I'm 35, I realize that I was WRONG, not them. It's actually so embarrassing. Now I have to break a leg and do something to get myself back up the ladder. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 31, 2021 at 12:29pm

All decade I've picked up bad habits. I should've built a network of professional connections and created my own career or learned a skilled trade, and payed more attention to others. Instead I farted and idled around on foot and on my bike, going to stores and eateries all by myself. I remember a few precious times I hung out with 2-3 people. I feel like I really messed up. And I sprayed and prayed on the online job market. When really, I should've listed places I want to work and talked to those clients in person. 

I thought I was going to grow up better than this. Knowing how hardworking and obedient I was in school. Trying to be somebody you're just not. I do have a better idea of what I want to pursue, it's just tying everything together and making it work out. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 31, 2021 at 9:01am

Yeah, I feel you, I've been there as well. People instantly take me as dumb and living in my own head. That is why I'm desperate to get a job so that I can counteract my MD by being actually busy.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 31, 2021 at 6:48am

Thing is, I wasn't listening to all the red flags and warnings in life. I was listening to that inner voice talking in my head. You just can't find friends and romance out of dreams. You're going to end up scaring yourself. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 30, 2021 at 1:18pm

Living in a town for 29 years has suddenly lost all meaning to me. Being confined in this area just killed the scenery. I feel like I want to move on now. Go live someplace else. Problem is I can't afford it right now, which is my bad. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 30, 2021 at 1:09pm

My past was just messed. I mean, if I had more of an understanding and awareness of what was emotionally going on around me, I probably wouldn't have started MD. People didn't come up front with the truth, so I couldn't pass it to my parents. Everything was in jokes, hints and insinuations. My parents didn't take me to a doctor to find out why. Fantasizing just made everything even worse, instead of hopeful. I wonder why I did this or how it started, but it deeply impacted every aspect of my life.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 30, 2021 at 6:46am

You know, who we are, it reflects off of others' attitudes. If we improved ourselves a bit, then others would be easier on us. For instance, if you're not very social, then they'll get mean. If you shape up socially, then they'll like you better. Problem with me is that I didn't open my eyes to realize how they all took my behaviour. I kind of just thought everything was going my way and I was so sure of my future. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 30, 2021 at 6:23am

Still, people treat me like they find me a fool. And they act like they see right through me. I don't socialize, so they basically treat me like I'm scared of them or I'm being abhorred. Some of them stated that I'm the quietest person they've ever met, or they find me so serious. So I can dream on if I really want a relationship. 

I thought because I had good lucks, talent and intellect, this would come easy to me. But all people see is that I look awfully stupid and unaware of the world around me. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 30, 2021 at 5:55am

I was a kid in the 90's and teen in the early 2000's. I doubt many people were aware of my case, and there wasn't a big awareness of mental health. No. It wasn't until the 2010's that mental health started to go out there.

I had an awful time in high school. I didn't fit in at all. Everybody made the same remark about my quiet personality. I even had a hard time in the future. Honestly, after I graduated from College, my life was very solitary because I didn't know how to connect with people. Everybody else had a blast and got married. 


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