Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

I can understand what that's like. I could've done better in college had I not been MDing all over. Because of that, I got 26 backlogs in college piled up in my final year, no relationships at all (I still can't tell if someone likes me or not, due to which I didn't pursue relationships when I could've. Now the void is real). Maybe, I could've landed a job by now and started working sooner. All that's messed up because of MD and I'm still in it's clutches. The only solace right now in life is talking to my friends and playing video games with them and safe to say, talking to you as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel like I threw everything away for my fantasies. I could've had some friends, had a couple relationships and was successful in an occupation. I probably would've moved out sooner. I tried my hand at a lot of jobs after college, and wasn't very successful. I'm just afraid that I'll fall flat on my face again...I just wish that I woke up sooner and came to see that what's going on in my head isn't real. 

[Kiruba Victor]

My first daydream world was one where I was cooler but with a different name, since people made fun of my name back then in 2012. After I learnt it's meaning and started to embrace it, it became about being cool and being popular. Now it's all about me just finding a romantic partner because that's something I hope to have soon in real life.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I notice there is a particular atmosphere, sensation and setting to my worlds for every age range in my life. When I was a kid it was about my favourite cartoons. When I was a teen it was about my favourite blockbuster films. When I was in my twenties, it was free spirit, wild child, funk town phase. Now in my thirties, I'm making sense of what I use to think before. But seriously, I never totally got rid of my daydreaming. I still have a crush on a celebrity and think about all the movies he's in. Other times, I'm realizing that there is a world out there too...and it's not all about where I live. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I wish employers were more understanding of mental health issues everywhere, but then again, they have to meet expectations from the people above them as well. It's really messed up, I feel. How people can sometimes shove it all aside and expect us to meet our target everyday. I think I'm gonna struggle with being looked at as a loony on the workplace and that will be a real hindrance for me. As I mature more, maybe I'll get better. I should get better in order to survive. It's quite a competitive world out there when it comes to working.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

In our house, my dad wants me to get a job. And I try my best. My mom tends to warn me if I show the employers signs of my mental health struggles, I can say bye to that job. She does support my artistic and illustrative projects, but she seems to give me a difficult time when it comes to working for companies and agencies. She's worried that they'll think I'm loon...and I'll mess up on the worksite, upsetting the crew. I'm getting to be a bigger girl now, so I have faith that I'll be more liable in future. As long as I'm strongly interested in what I do. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, you have a lot of experience on your resume, if that helps. So you'll have that as a plus point in future interviews. Me, on the other hand, have yet to learn skills to get a job which will sustain me for some time before I find my passion. I feel like my job will only be there to help me survive and just live in peace do things I like (Hobbies, not passions). I feel like my mum sometimes just wants me to get a job so she can answer the relatives who are incessantly calling about this. Like literally, they'll be like "Has Kiruba got a job yet?" ,"What's his future plan?" and the worst one, "How will we find a suitable bride for him, if he hasn't landed a job already". It just makes me so angry that they want to speed everything up. My dad is a bit more understanding. My friends are my only source of solace in my current phase of life.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've also struggled to be independent all through my adult life. I actually never managed to move out. I've had a lot of jobs that didn't last long. So I've been looking at the same local area I've grown up in for three decades. I used to be comfortable and at ease with the house. Then in adulthood, I had to make sure I was trained and self-sufficient to get out someday. I failed to do this anytime soon and let it all go for years after college. Then the pandemic came along and made it harder than ever to get a new job. So now I feel bad. My dad believed I'd be well on my way by now, and I feel like I let him down. He spent years getting me to reach the top of success. When I graduated, I actually believed I'd just get a job I like and stick with. Every company I worked for had me on a temporary long or short term contract. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, exactly. It feels good to get to know someone struggling with similar problems. Gives me a strange sense of comfort in that we're not alone and that it's not just us who have issues.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, well have a lot in common. We both struggled with the same conflicts. So we exchanged a lot of comments on this board.