Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, for me, first impression would give me some information, but I'd definitely love to talk to them to know more. I've also been there, with people thinking that I'm some loony just drifting in his own world, but back in my school days, they teased me and bullied me for it. In college, they simply avoided me. And don't be hopeless about people being there. You will find people who'll look past your shortcomings and get to know you for the wonderful person you truly are.

You've fought with Asperger's for the majority of your life, which takes strength and courage, which is an amazing trait. I've struggled with social anxiety for a long time now and now I'm slowly yet steadily crawling out of it.

And the people who bullied us back then, we've both closed those doors off for good. So kudos to us for that. Well, I've been fortunate to have found people who are willing to put effort to understand and help me. And I'm sure you will find people like that too, even if the method of communication is online. Even a small pep talk from someone will go a long way.

P.S: I just realised that we reached 100 comments on this blog post. Feels more like a chatbox instead of a comment section, isn't it? :D

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thing is I don't think I can just find peace and happiness alone. What bothers me is that when people meet me, they can see right through me. As if they can tell I don't have friends. The fact I barely open myself up verbally and project out words, gives them an impression that I am stupid, and probably a lonely person. I'm afraid for most of my life, no one is going to be there for me and I'll disappear.

Thing is I dealt with Asperger syndrome for most of my life, and the behavioural traits it carries is all people ever notice. Giving a good first impression is everyone to most people. I was so stunned by how many didn't like me as a person, because of the fact I wasn't doing anything properly, such as speaking my mind out loud, making eye contact, looking positive and being outgoing. 

Next thing I knew, we all broke apart and went our own separate ways when adulthood began, so I didn't see their faces ever since. To be honest, I don't think I ever found my crowd. I just knew a bunch of people who weren't my crowd. On top of this, they all witnessed me maladaptive daydreaming, and found me crazy. So they kept their distance anyhow. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, if you can manage being happy alone, then you can be happy anywhere. I don't know what purpose I'm here for. It's like my compass stopped working. To be honest, I'm kind of dependent on my friends and that's bad. So I'm hoping I can change that and survive on my own. But for me, my currently active mission in life is just to find peace and happiness.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, it's more like a purpose in life. Your lucky to be part of a small group. I can't remember the last time I hung out in a group. I've been solo for a long time. I only remember going out in a threesome back in 2015. I think I got it from my mom. She's never hung out in a group in her life, and she's always been content on her own. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Kudos to you for overcoming your demons! I hope I can find what I love doing and make it a career. Till then, I guess I'll have to find ways to survive. It feels weird, being without a passion other than being happy. That's all I ever wanted.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Being in my mid thirties, I believe I found my career ambition, the next challenge is making it happen. I've been fighting for my dream job since I was 25. That's a decade of trying to get up the ladder. Still I can't afford to live independently. In the meantime, the housing market is on fire in Toronto. So yes I have to find something for survival, to make sure I'm saving up, so I can finally leave my parent's house. I could be continuing training in my field, though haven't got around to it, as I've always focused on work. 

I wake up feeling uneasy in the mornings these days. I guess that I feel so awkward and 'out of place' that I still reside in the same household I grew up in all my life. I have a friend whose like me to, but she doesn't even mind. 

I guess that I have good news. I finally got over my past. Those people who bugged me in school were indeed jerks. They had no right and business to insult and tease about my personal difficulties. Of course they moved away years ago, and I didn't learn their names. They weren't my crowd anyway, so it doesn't matter. I'm just glad the memory of them is off my coat tail. Good riddance. Next time, I'll watch how I display myself in front of others, and carry a good, long conversation so they won't look at me like I have no tongue. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Here, due to the pandemic, it's quite the opposite and unfortunate. And since I haven't really discovered my passion yet, I'm just planning to learn some coding for a job in an IT firm. MD makes it almost impossible for me to actually get up and get things. Even basic things like maintaining my motorbike seem difficult, let alone big ones. So, I need to somehow get a job for survival and then I'll be calm that I have crossed that part I'm worried about.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can only bike and run outside. My dad works out in the basement. It's hot outside, so I tend to melt, just by walking a couple miles. I have to cover up good or else I'll burn. 

I'm currently having job frustrations. It's so hard to get an employer's attention in Canada. I'm trying the top job boards, speaking to job developers and networking. Fortunately, this summer we are having a job surge, as places are opening up. It's all a matter of keeping active and being connected with professionals. I'll be using a LinkedIn Learning source to catch up on things. Honestly, I didn't reckon it would be so hard to find a full-time position, especially full-time permanent. All the contracts out there are shorties. I still live with parents. It's unbelievable. 

Above all, I learned so much after doing MD. That was just life all along. I seriously should've payed attention to my real surrounding environment. I was a kid, so I didn't understand what MD can do. Now I know 100%. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm also looking forward to play some cricket or football with my friends, although the lockdown will have definitely impacted my stamina for the worse. I used to work out actively before the lockdown but now, unfortunately I've become a chair potato XD.

I'm able to pause MD when I'm in a conversation. fortunately. It's when I'm idle that it starts to take over and keeps me rooted in it and unable to get out and do things. Like, even basic tasks, I'm super fatigued to do because of this.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, I would like to get back to normalization. I planning on golfing with my dad this summer. So we're not just stuck in the house. Since I can't visit the gyms. 

I allowed MD take over, and it did give me beliefs, and even set an atmosphere in the room. Everyone around me was getting pissed and curious to where my head was. They often asked why I didn't listen. I thought they were critical on me, until I later realized they had a point. 

So your 22 years old. I'm 35.