This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 18, 2021 at 10:45am

It's not about where they come from as in place. It's about where they come from in terms of their thoughts and beliefs. I had bullies who were from both north India as well as south India. So that didn't matter much to me. All that did matter was that they were bullies and thereafter, I cut off all contact with them, those doors are shut for life. Ever since I moved from Oman to India, that was the most noticeable change in my life. The good nature of friends I've got. Although small, still well worth it.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 18, 2021 at 10:31am

Yes, we are not going to fit in with everybody. Like I descended from the Nordics and Saxons. My ancestry comes from Scotland and Great Britain. I really appreciate art, whereas all my bullies were philistines. When highschool was out and we all graduated, we all went on our own routes. So I stopped mingling with people I couldn't stand. Regards, I feared that someday I will run into people once more who will not like me and give me a hard time. Yet again, it depends on what I get involved in next and who I'm with. After I worked remotely at home for years, things just settled down, and I was no longer getting picked on. 


Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 18, 2021 at 9:26am

Yeah, we all don't fit into the same crowds. If we did, there wouldn't be much difference between us humans and mechanical drones. I didn't realize this too and I did some stupid things to please the popular crowd, which failed as they saw right through it. This may sound really cringe but I pretended that I smoked and drank and all that nasty stuff (back when smoking was considered cool, due to movies) when in reality I didn't. Later on, I accepted that being teetotal is a part of who I am and I embraced it whole heartedly. That's when I realized that we don't need to fit with everyone.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 18, 2021 at 9:18am

The same with me. My problem is that I didn't find a smaller set of big hearted friends at first. When I was a kid, I was too dumb to understand we are tribal. I was surprised how many groups didn't agree with me. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 18, 2021 at 8:55am

Well, you being normal later on in life depends on the group you are with as well. If you have people that can make you feel at home on the outdoors, then you'll feel normal. At least as far as my experience goes. I didn't fit in with the hip and popular crowd. I felt at home with a smaller but big hearted set of friends.

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 18, 2021 at 8:38am

Even I didn't date in my teens, so I know nothing about how it all works. I'm learning the ropes very much like an infant taking it's first steps. Earlier, I believed that no one would come for me and that my parents will have to arrange a marriage with someone (sounds really weird but it's quite a common thing here in India. Makes no sense to me). But after seeing my friends get into relationships and having a crush on someone who was committed already, I started feeling the void in my heart. So the thought of being single and not knowing much about romance makes me feel super idiotic. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 18, 2021 at 7:13am

The reason I had a laid back attitude in my early adulthood, is because I was convinced I was going to get married, so why worry so much? Problem is I didn't date people and test the waters like I should've in my teens and 20's, plus I was super quiet, so nobody noticed that I existed. I also believed "the one" would pop out of the blue somewhere and say hi to me. Sounds nuts, but I was that naive. I really regret not focusing more on me and making sure I have great financial security and a steady career, like most smart people do, instead of jumping to any assumptions without the support of background information and experience. It was a serious lack of judgement on my part. Maybe I was too young to understand better, perhaps nobody explained it to me. I do got the sense my peers were smarter up the end with how things work between people, because they were able to understand human emotions and how the world works. I guess that could've been why they made fun of me in school. Now they are grown 35 year olds who are no longer kids, and think I live just like them. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 18, 2021 at 6:37am

Yeah, well my mom was a psychiatric nurse in a hospital for 40 years and her career started at a mental institution. So she's very good at detecting when someone is mentally ill or has a personality disorder, or something other. She has good eyes and senses. So when she caught me in my inner world, it just didn't look good. Since then she worries that I'll screw up on people "out there," because I can't get my head out of the clouds. When I was a kid, I always believed I'll be a normal adult with a career and house, going places and meeting people. If I learned then what I know now, I would've been quite disappointed. 

My dad used to tell me to leave my room all the time, since I was a teen. He can't believe how much I actually sit in there over seeing people outside. I do regret not following his wishes, but it was my decision. If I want to sit in my room and stare at my computer all day, that's up to me. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 17, 2021 at 7:21pm

Well, my mum mostly catches me speaking to myself but she doesn't know what exactly I speak about. So she still doesn't know about my inner world.

I've not even explored my state much. Ever since I came to India, I was mostly in my apartment and every now and then, would go to the rural areas to visit my relatives. Same case back during my schooling in Oman, I'd come to India back then to meet the relatives. So I kind of feel like a stranger in my own land XD. Beyond that, I've only been to Thailand on a tour and that's about it. I also live in "voluntary solitary confinement" if that makes sense XD. Like, my mum always tells me to get out of my room more often, but I feel like I'm a king in my room XD.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 17, 2021 at 7:05pm

My whole life was in Canada. I used to travel to Scotland with my family every other summer until I was 17. I've visited other Canadian provinces and states in America. I have gone to London, England once. Then ever since I was 18, my dad bought a cottage near Hudson Bay, so ever summer we spent two weeks up there. I haven't been on a plane since I was 23. So I didn't ever travel anywhere further. I lived a solitary life in my hometown for years now. Reason being, one summer when I came out of college, mom caught me in fantasy land after I didn't pass an important call to her. She felt this is the way I am and didn't believe that I can perceive in the world past our driveway. It was mean and she didn't even give me a chance to try convincing her otherwise. She even felt that I won't do well in the workforce and should stick to my art. To this day, I honestly think that is BS. But figures, mothers. 

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