I realized that I could have formed many more friends and even dated, if I had opened my heart to people by expressing myself to them. I had no need to close myself out. It's just, I had quite a few issues that put a major barrier in the social spectrum of my life. I not only dealt with autism spectrum disorder, but I also was a titanic maladaptive day dreamer. These two conditions had a great effect on my life. They both prevented me from growing up and adapting properly into the world, but also developing real friendships and relationships with people. When I was a young girl, I was so inexperienced towards life, that I didn't think of the consequences MDD would place on my future. I was so complacent that everything will still be OK and I'll eventually see and do whatever I always wanted do. I didn't even think once that my brain health would put a significant toll on everything I've looked and worked up to. I had no idea what happened along the way, but I guess that I ran into too many people who thought otherwise about me. They didn't believe in me and had faith that I can do anything appropriately and reasonably. Honestly, they also discovered that I was a day dreamer and that finished everything. I have lost too many jobs this way. Even my relationship with my own family changed ever since they discovered I did maladaptive day dreaming. In fact, I followed the wrong kinds of people who never understood that I committed to MDD most of my life. Surprisingly, I couldn't find any friends in my hometown, even my college city, because if they didn't find me completely 'uninteractive' or not socially skillful, they thought I was living on planet MARS most of the time. I was always a very gifted, talented and intelligent kid, but I was also socially weak around most people, unable to make very good connections. Truth is, we have to accept ourselves for who we are and make the best of our strengths, empowerment and achievements, even if we're normally not very 'cool' and acceptable to everyone else.

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The average Neuro typical person is like the most basic simple model of something. They hold the simple belief that life is about growing up, getting married, having kids, having a job to go to everyday and maybe an holiday once a year if they're lucky enough to earn enough and possibly own whatever they see as the house/car/motorhome of their dreams (whatever they're into) The don't tend to think too much and often aren't deep thinkers.

Unless they have a child with autism or work with people with it, most NT's won't develop any understanding of what autism truly is. (even for those with contact won't necessarily try to understand beyond the autistic childs/adults basic needs) Most people are very self centered these days and it's all about their rights. Even ridiculous stuff like people been offended if they can't stroke your dog, they believe they have a right to stroke whichever dog they want, regardless of whether the dog is reactive or doesn't like been stroked, if your dog bites them it's still your fault not theirs cos they have rights!  etc... this is the way the world is now.  People become more aggressive through social media then get round to acting out like that in real life eg sharing photo's of neighbours that annoy them (without the neighbours permission) rallying support, starting vigilante groups... this is the mentality of alot of NT these days, partly caused by the way social media works. 

Personally I've no interest in being with people like that and as people I was used to and knew for years (even considered my best friend) have let me down in betrayed me in some way after over 20 yrs I have little faith left in people.  I used to try to learn 'small talk' and 'chit chat' to fit in but found most of the time all people did was gossip about other people behind their backs and this seemed to be a source of entertainment for them, made me wonder what they saying about me behind my back! I chose to leave all that behind.  I am happiest just with my dog where I can be myself.

I've never told anyone about my MD but the older I'm getting the more I'm enjoying having secrets so never tell anyone what I do or what I'm planning. I'd love another secret dog that no-one else knows exist. (A chihuahua or chi X would be easiest to hide in a backpack until I got to the woods to let them out) and small enough to use an indoor doggy loo/litter tray so no neighbours see them (overlooking our back garden). The problem for me these days is most breeders want to stay in contact and be friends and see the dog on facebook everyday or visit in real life and if you get it from a rescue they want to stay in touch , people are also more judgemental I find these days..you've got to pass an home check so let a complete stranger in your home to judge you and your home (I'm aware people think I'd odd, my house is untidy and disorganised as I have dyspraxia too and some mobility issues) so I don't have much hope that I'd be 'found suitable' these days.  I thought of an Autism dog (surely they can't refuse an autistic person an autism dog?) but they only seem to deal with kids and once again if you want to take in a dog that didn't quite make the grade (but maybe part trained/socialised), you have to live within a certain distance of the training centre so the dog can be visited regularly. I also have no support network which they may worry about what would happen to the dog if I couldn't cope. Personally I find this intrusive. Seems an online puppy farm or taking in an abandoned dog are my only options for my next dog to completely avoid having to deal with people at all...so I fantasize about finding one that no-one else wants or would miss (that was clearly dumped so no-one is reporting it missing etc) and in my imaginings my old dog has reincarnated into this new body to come back to spend another lifetime with me.

Thanks for the insight. I guess, hopefully, I will find the right person who will see me, by not what social media brags about. LOL.

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