Hey everyone!

I'm new here, so let me introduce myself!

I'm Hannah, a high-schooler currently residing in the great state of Maine. I am in the top tenth percentile of my grade at my high school and I am the only girl to be taking two college-level classes (AP Calculus and AP Stats) at the sophomore level of high school. I am extremely shy, but I was lucky enough to attract a great guy and I am happy with my life at the moment, but I have struggled with stress, anxiety, and depression in the past. I'm used to being the only girl in groups and situations, so I've grown used to the overwhelming feelings I have when under pressure and surrounded by guys. Not to brag, but I'm often the person that people want to be partners with because I actually pay attention and always get good grades. Of course, with that comes people relying on me to do their homework and everything for them. I have always had such a hard time saying two things: "No" and "I love you." I became extremely overwhelmed with my schoolwork and other people's schoolwork that I often looked to solitude to "charge" my social battery. I would often have anxiety attacks which could be just as minor as laying on my floor in a ball and crying to full-on passing out for ten to fifteen minutes. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I believed I would never feel accepted. 

I've always been an introvert, however, so decreasing the number of social appearances looked terrible, only hanging out with someone once every other month and not wanting to spend time with my family. Towards the end of my freshman year of high school, I started texting a guy whom I had texted before but didn't really talk to much in school as we had one class together. We hit it off after I finally got the hint (I'm not good at recognizing things like that). I really do like him to this day and we are still together (about a month). I've opened up to him about all of this that I am talking about on here except my daydreams (although I have mentioned them before, I just didn't come out and say that it's an issue I've had since my childhood). 

I haven't muttered that three letter phrase since I was six or seven, so it's been over a decade. I watch my oldest sister every day say "I love you" to my parents at least three times to my parents before she leaves for work or college or going anywhere. It makes me wonder if I'll ever even say it, even to the amazing guy I've met. 

On to what the entire point of this website is... my daydreams. I always thought that everyone had maladaptive dreams honestly. So when I started having imaginary conversations (in my head) with people I had encountered throughout my day every few days, I thought it was normal and quite honestly, cool that I was talking more to these people now than I had been during the day. As the years progressed, I started to realize that these "conversations" I was having were conversations that I wanted to happen. In about eighth grade (summer after), I developed my first crush. Yes I know, seems kinda late for a first crush. Well, it was this guy (turns out to be the guy I'm with, you can message me if you want to hear the entire progression) who I thought liked me. I guess I became kinda obsessed because of this reason. Then I realized that I may actually like him, but obviously, I would never tell him, so I started daydreaming about him and I having conversations and it even got to the point where I couldn't even look him in the eyes because of what I imagined happening between us. There was a break where we weren't speaking to each other, and I started having these daydreams more frequently, at least a few times a day. This distracted me from schoolwork, even more, leading to anxiety attacks coming more frequently.

So this guy was definitely a big part of my life from what I could tell, and whenever a guy made any advances on me, I'd tell them off, then I'd have a three-hour daydream of my crush talking to me about these things that would happen if I were to get together with these guys making moves. I even started pretending I was him and I'd sit on my bed after showering and sit on one end of the bed when I was me and the other when I was him. 

Okay now, this is where it gets kind of weird. I started listening to music one day and then the music warped into a conversation between me and my crush. I'd continue having these (what I liked to call) song-offs where I'd find songs to describe how I felt.

Eventually, this guy started talking to me again, and that's when he started liking me. My daydreaming has definitely become less frequent now that I have him, but I still have the occasional daydreams that are based on things that happened in my day and are alternative outcomes for certain events.

Well thank you all who read this, thanks to those who skimmed through it as well. It was just a bit about me so you will know how my future posts could turn out. 

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