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Just want to sharing my feelings...

Sometimes I felt so jealous to others. They seems have brighter future than me, although I can't guess too much since it's not happening yet.

The feeling comes bigger after learning at college for a year. I start to lose my confidence to become a translator in government. I changed my aspire to be furniture entrepreneur like father, but to do that... I must at least learn it at Jepara (it's a special city that focus on making and selling furniture). mother not allowed me, which I understand because that city also dangerous as hell, too much crime happens than in my place. while my father passed away one year and a month ago, so no family relative that could teach me without going there.

After two year goes on, I still lack on public speaking, which is the soft skill that student MUST have in International Relations major. Kinda embarrassed a week ago when my group have task to debate with another group. Then audience include lecturer commented me as "lack of good opinion and not good as a debater even as speaker". Yep, I only repeat friends opinion with some of my mind poured into one.

Sometimes I know what should I talk about, but I just can't. I'm scared if my words would turn against me. And the result always same - I will stated by lecturer as "lack of skill and confidence". People always said not to scared to speak up quickly, no matter if you wrong. But I don't want to just blabber without thinking twice or thrice. Besides, I have seen many of my classmate tried to challenge lecturer, but will always lose since the lecturer has more experience. I know it's a challenge for us to learn more. But I don't like to debate until gave ultimatum or else.

But my classmate, she is very skillful. She have big confidence and very smart. Just tell her a case and she could analyze it less than 15 minutes. She always invited by university to attend meeting with important people... There also one classmate too, who was rather a essay-making than public speaking, and he also invited in every book party. It affects with their grade in university, got many As and planned to be promoted in many workplaces.

The only useful skill that I know is my English as 2nd language and drawing skill. I'm pretty enjoy to improve my drawing skill, which most of my friends can't do that. Even I'd want to spend my time to research and continue my project historical fiction novel. Too bad drawing is not a skill that would help me to graduate from my major. The English language may help me, but without other skill, I can't do anything too...

I ever sharing to a senior student, and she only said to 'let it flow, just do what you think it's useful for yourself and others and the miracle will come one day'. Although I don't know what miracle that will came for me.

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Comment by Ivy White on April 22, 2015 at 1:27am

There is a big, big divide in this world in skills. Most skills that are rewarded are masculine and extrovert. 

Extrover skills are speaking in public, making friends, being unashamed, enjoying people. Masculine skills are being logical and rational and being active, taking up space, that sort of things. What they call "soft" skills are typically not regarded well upon, being caring, being affective, thinking before you speak etc. If your an introvert, life is harder, no matter what. The important thing is to find what you can be good at, that does not go against your nature. It was really hard for me when I was younger and I made big mistakes about that too. Don't beat yourself up about not being the same level as other people in debate class. Like Alvi says, there are skills you have they do not possess. Being a daydreamer at least means you can tap into a pool of creativity they don't have. 

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