Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do recall my dad telling me over and over again to get out of my room 'my shell' so I can make friends and relationships and get life experience. I do regret not taking him seriously and believed good things will just happen like magic. MD does put a lot of bull into your mind. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

In a way, I desperately want to change. I feel like my adult life has been a joke. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

But I think I'm having those post-quarter life crisis moments, or else it's just covid. I lost a job that I actually liked, but the industry suffered in these times, leaving me unemployed for many months. The fact a human is not reading our resume doesn't make it easier. Reason why people are returning to studying. 

I did go to college in the mid-late 2000's. I seriously wish that I went to grad school right after I earned my B.A. I shouldn't have listened to my mother when she said, "You've been going to school all your life. Focus on a job." When she found out I was quite the daydreamer, she told me I wouldn't be attuned to a class, or even use my thinking cap at the workplace. I was too young to realize that a daughter's mother can sometimes be that way, and it's really up to what I think. Apparently, I let this go for too long. So I stayed living in a predicament, which is very regrettable. 

I finally closed the doors on my youth. As I realize I attended school with meat heads who mistreated me to alter their inner egos and instabilities—and were probably too stupid for college. 

So my solution is to retrain into a new career, seeing that design is not working out. The doors keep on shutting in my face, and there's no where else to turn. My dad is probably figuring this out by now, seeing how many times I have failed. 

Just today, I realize what I space cadet I used to be. I am so shocked that I didn't grow up and see other places, focus more on people, nor thrive in a challenging livelihood. I feel if I've been hanging at the bottom of the ladder.  

[Kiruba Victor]

Me too. I have no compass in life and I'm just sitting here, and my career hasn't even started, yet. 

Right now, relationships are at the center of my MD, rather my desperation for them, so much that it's draining.

College never really taught me anything, but it did give me a good set of friends, so I'm thankful for that.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm so discouraged in life. I got my degree in 2010, hoped to launch a career in design, but it didn't work out. Now I might have to go back into college training. I've been applying to lots of jobs and attended zoom interviews. It's actually hard to get a design job now. I mean, it's a nightmare. 

I got everything all wrong when it comes to finding relationships. I was supposed to do the opposite of what I've been doing. So poop on me.

When I got out of college, I expected that I will get comfortable in a permanent job, but instead I kept on being laid off or my contract ended. My dad is scratching his head as to why I'm not getting it together. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there dithering. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, my first job wouldn't be something I'm 100 percent passionate about, but it'll do for survival.

In my college, lot of people knew from the onset that I suck at socializing. I wasn't into some of the things they liked to talk about. So I found a set of people who were into the same things I am and who were non judgmental.

I didn't even know how to start, when it comes to romance. Like, how do you ask someone out, how to know if somebody is interested. I was so afraid of being rejected and things being awkward afterward, that I didn't ask anyone out. Else, maybe I could've had one or two relationships. Even now, I'm afraid to ask a girl out, out of the same fear. And I don't know how to pick up "hints" that they liked me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know why I'm so shocked when it comes to romance. I didn't test the waters. I hardly saw people. So I know that I haven't found the one yet. Everybody I ever knew gave up on me and disappeared forever. The real person wouldn't do that. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I recall in my early adulthood, only when I was around people did I get berated quite a bit, usually by older adults. When I was alone doing my own thing, it was all good. I think people can read me out by my appearance that I don't socialize, even communicate. It's not hard for them to find out if I'm "here" or not. Often they find me so very weird. Like they're just not accustomed to me.

I'm content with myself and appreciate who I am and what I'm looking for in life. I guess maybe I'm not good with strangers. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm with you on this. I like to be content, at peace and happy with what I do. As long as I'm making enough money that pays the bills, I'm good. What concerns me is that previous companies let me go for some reasons. Maybe I wasn't mature, helpful nor even had enough knowledge and skills. That's why I plan to retrain in a program in the near future. I might as well, during covid. It's just so hard to get a job. 

[Kiruba Victor]

As long as I survive and I'm calm through it all, I'm content. That's what I truly want. Peace and happiness. No specific passion. Just to be able to live happily and get the small goals I have in my life right.