This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 11, 2021 at 6:12pm

Since it's the pandemic and I'm always at home, I don't hear anything by others about it. Still when I come down to the kitchen for breakfast, my coffee will go cold, and I'll microwave it a couple times, as I'm eating. At one point my mom caught me pausing over a muffin at the table, and told me "I see why your coffee goes cold, you tend to go off in a trance. It's a cycle I can't step out of, especially when my mom is being involved. 


Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 11, 2021 at 5:56pm

Hopefully, a day comes when I look back at how much I was MDing. As of now, still caught in it's vicious cycle, with only a few momentary breaks when I'm doing something else.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 11, 2021 at 11:40am

I have gotten over everything, but what amazes me is how much time has past, while I was committed to MD. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 10, 2021 at 7:26pm

Yeah, there's the fighter spirit. You don't have to conform with what everyone else expects you to be. In the end, only the few people who matter will help us and be at our side, and they will accept us for who we are. The rest can go to the underworld XD.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 10, 2021 at 8:02am

In society, everybody is expected to act and speak a certain way to the public's comfort and recognition. There is a Norm that is greatly appreciated by most people. But if your different, unique and gifted, it will be harder to fit in, they may not be willing to have the patience to understand you better. Your overall appearance comes off as weird or exceptional, therefore you might be their scoop. They simply won't understand why you don't speak their language, behave like them and talk a mile a minute. Therefore, they'll treat you like your from another planet. The fact you're Not fitting in always look unhappy to others who have no problems making friends. But it could be because you haven't found your crowd or tribe. I went to a couple schools in my town, where everybody else was ordinary and average, not unusual and gifted like me. They were chatty, perky and super outgoing, but I didn't know how to relate. Also, they had showy 'entertaining' personalities, whereas, I looked boring sitting there so quietly. So they found me a loser. This was quite a while ago, and now I'm an adult. Even thought I'm still fighting to be independent. As a conclusion, I am not quitting on my dream goals. I honestly don't care what anybody thinks. I realize it's going to be tough and little scary, seeing how I look to others. But I'm sure I'll get by somehow. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 9, 2021 at 9:24pm

That's absolutely correct. Being smart has it's own set of challenges. When I was MDing, people noticed it to a small degree and they just brushed me off as someone who lives in his own world. And yeah, not everyone will be like us or understand us. I have found a safe haven of people who are willing to put effort to understand. And I hope you have found your haven too.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 9, 2021 at 6:31pm

My life has been a long and complicated story, when it comes to be very intelligent. My appearance gave off the wrong messages to others. To me, I was fine. I was a smart, creative, gifted and talented person. The problem was that I wasn't approachable to people. I wasn't verbally interactive and trouble doing common things that would've made somebody socially acceptable, such as smiling, talking a lot, cracking jokes and making good eye contact. These traits just weren't there in me. So I came across as cold, serious unfriendly and stand-offish. I can count for you how many people simply overreacted to this. When it comes to non-family, you're in trouble. They'll just think your a jerk or something is awfully wrong with you. So they'll piss off to extrovert people who can talk and laugh, and cheer up a room. 

Anyway, when I was doing MD, I didn't stop to realize how I looked on the outside. I lived in my head so much. I listened to my own thoughts and lived in my own world. I simply wasn't paying attention to what was really going on around me. So wherever I went, people were talking about me behind my back and kept on making remarks, even laughed at me. Teachers and students were insinuating things with facial expressions and gestures that I found hard to understand. Call me ignorance, but I once thought this whole thing was a big trick. They were being unreasonable and should mind their own business. But, deep down I figured they found something very weird and "off" about me. Even if I was smart and hard working, this was no excuse. Clearly, they found me tunnel visioned, too quiet to be normal and socially distant. And I often carried on like I lived in another galaxy. 

Eventually, my mom began to pick up on the signs when I stayed home after college. She reacted just the same as everybody else. That I need a psychiatrist. She even told me I'll have a hard time being successful at anything I do out there. She's had this attitude on me for years now. On the other hand, my dad is easier on me and understands what I'm going through. 

My point is that being smart isn't perfect and comes with its own set of challenges, and life itself won't always agree with it. Not everybody is going to like you or be comfortable with who you are. You have to keep on finding your own tribe. 


Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 7, 2021 at 9:09am

Yeah, the past is a lesson, not a life sentence. And people react negatively to what they don't understand, like that dialogue in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice. It's all about finding your right set and once that's done, a whole avenue of opportunities and happiness open up. And even if you open up to the regular people, 8 times out of 10, you'd get the regular cliched response and that won't help at all. Hopefully once I graduate from college and get a job somewhere, this will all go away or at least reduce enough for me to feel peaceful again.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 7, 2021 at 8:57am

I see for sure it's not entirely my fault. I can't help who I am and I'm good with that. It's just freaky how others took me back then. They didn't know me from Adam's apple, and jumped to quick assumptions that I'm not normal and have issues. I think it's because I was in the wrong crowds and didn't succeed at first in finding special friends and connections with others who'd actually like who I am. I grew up around a lot of average joes who had no idea what was actually going on, and didn't know how to react, so all they could do was tease. I really should've opened up more to them. Regards, I was a big thinker and forgot I wasn't opening my mouth to express some words. Surprisingly, this also impacted my adulthood. 

What I want to do is grow up and start over a fresh. Take night school courses and maintain a full-time job, so I can hopefully move out. Put all this toxic energy behind me. The past is gone, and it's time I pushed on with it too. I believe past mistakes should be learned, but there's no need for regrets. For all I know, my peers had no clue was up in my head and they eventually forgot about it. I'm pretty sure I'm a blur in their heads by now. 

It's just next time, my dreams are a coping tool, but can't solve my problems, and it will come out noticeable. So I will be super cautious and careful with how I appear in public. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 7, 2021 at 8:37am

Well, it's similar to what happened to me as well. I grew up in middle east Asia, in Oman, long way away from my actual place of belonging, India. And there, until my 5th standard (I guess, 9 years old), I wasn't teased too much, but people looked quite differently at me. Then I had to switch schools since my dad got a transfer, and I ended up in another place where it was very different, and the other kids were more hostile towards me and harassed me quite a bit, which made my schooling life hell, and also made me want to move away from Oman and back to India, which in hindsight, one of the best decisions I made. Now, the teasing has reduced but I still get weird reactions from people, but also more empathy and kindness too. Couple years later, here I am, with a small but lovely set of friends, Sadly, my dating life is non-existent as of this moment, so that is a recurring theme of my MD now. I'm having thoughts on whether to tell my parents or not, since they're quite conservative and more focused on me getting good grades and a job. As of now, it's only my friends and this group whom I'm able to freely talk to about my issues. I hope to see a therapist as soon as I get independent.

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