Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, me too. It's quite nerve racking to think that I don't have a job by now and that I can't do things in my bucket list without getting a job. My parents also won't just let me stay in, saying that it's embarrassing. I guess I'll just get a job somewhere to sort of get some of the things on my bucket list come true. And yeah, dealing with older people with little understanding of mental health can be quite a challenge. I'm facing it everyday with my parents XD

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have an idea what I want to do, but trouble is the economy, getting a job is hard and proving myself too. I have my ups and downs with clients. Some of them find my work convincing and others are baffled as to why my communication is so offset. I'll have problems getting people's lingo in an email or word of mouth. I don't just look at graphic design posts, but also other creative outlets or anything doable. It depends on the company and who I'm working for, and it's different every time. I've had nice supervisors and frustrated bosses. I do find it especially unnerving dealing with much older people who don't have the patience to deal with my disability. I guess someday I'll manage to work for myself, but meanwhile I do need a job. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, our home is our comfort zone. Hence, I became a sloth as well. Sitting at the same room and just living in my own world. Now I'm starting to acknowledge that I have a problem and that I need to see a therapist. Simultaneously, I've to look for jobs as well in order to survive. I still don't exactly know what I am interested in. So right now, I'll just get a job for survival. I've set that as my first step. Hopefully, I figure out what I'm really into, as you have.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I stayed home much longer than I thought for a few reasons. I let people's criticisms get to me and got hurt by the past...for too long. I should've got over it and shut them out of my past memories forever. Another thing, I was entitled, lazy, and not tactful in life. I didn't make a solid action plan after college, relied on people to hire me, instead of strategizing on a business and taking courses. I didn't know what industry I wanted to work in, until now. I had this habit of leaving the house to grab food and drinks, instead of grinding into work and research. I expected to meet my prospective partner around the corner...but as a result I stayed single. I guess you can say, I was so me-itis. I didn't stop to think "nobody knows, nobody cares." Everybody's focusing on themselves. I lived in my own world. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Exactly. On top of the muscle pain, the light headed ness and headache makes it even worse. I feel like a zombie today.

I'll have to get cracking to get a stable means to survive. But first, I hope I can get rid of MD so that I can do better all over life. I feel that if I carry this with me to the workplace, I'll get stepped on like crazy

Yeah, only very few people will genuinely help others and they're a big minority. So I feel we shouldn't depend too much. Like, acknowledge that they can show you the way, but can only carry you to a limited capacity, if at all. Sometimes I wish my parents were more understanding of mental health, especially mom. My dad will take an effort to help, but he's all the way in Muscat, while I'm in India with mom and brother.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I got my vaccine, I couldn't lift and use my arm for days, due to muscle pain, so it hurt like a bitch. 
Yes, I fear everyday of my life, if I keep up with my bad habits, I'll be in a place I don't want to think about. I do my best to apply everyday, and do skill tests and taylor my documents, share my latest design samples. It's just, applicants are being read through by a digital machine, not a human. I feel sorry for everyone who doesn't have a job right now, or lost it to covid. I also reapplied to employment insurance in case I don't get hired for many weeks. It sucks when you're stuck in a cycle you don't want, but can't just get out of. 

Yes, my life has been pretty misfortunate, and it's my fault too. Although, I try to deny it's all on me. I thought my dreams were taking me somewhere, and really, they were illusions. You can't blame someone else for something you could've helped, apparently the world doesn't have to do a thing. Even the person you've been seeking all your life. My parents were lucky to see that for a fact in their youths. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I wish I could get that in my head, that it's me who has to be out there for dating and all. Far too long, I've been whining that I've been single and that was very weird. My social life also was heavily impacted by MD, but luckily I'm making some headway at least in terms of friendships. As far as dating goes, well, still stuck with nothing. I wouldn't even know if someone is interested in me that way, and I think I may have slipped up on a few prospects. And my career, well, that's a whole different story entirely. I just took a test for a company called Zomato for business analyst. It was mostly logic and language based questions. So I'm waiting for the results to come ASAP. So that's kind of a start.

By the way, the vaccine got me so weak, I can't do anything at all, let alone MD. Weirdly, it's good that I didn't MD much for the day.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The reason nothing worked out for me in spite of my dreams, is that's not real life. People maybe tried to be my friend and get to know me better, but it failed, because I was too quiet and completely gone in my head. So they shrugged and gave up, walking off. Forget, I'm not dating you...you have no friends. My silence, and my absent mind and attitudes just killed my chance for a social life. MD made me feel happier in the beginning, but it wasn't real. It was a sequence of fantasies going on in my head, making me act funny in front of people. It wasn't going to make my life better. It just made me crash. 

I realize that my life is up to me. It was my responsibility to make sure I live better. And I've done nothing about it over a decade. So I'm seeing the consequences unfold. Nobody knew where I was and what I went through, they didn't care and it wasn't their problem. 

I expected someone to come...perhaps a special friend or a perspective partner. When really, it was up to me to go get the person...by being out there. As my dad advised me years ago. 

Point is I learned a lot from this..

[Jessica Ballantyne]

In fact, I couldn't fool anybody when trying to hide my MD. I remember how many people bellowed at me to pay attention or listen up. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've always been hired, but never managed to move out, because my jobs didn't last. Lately, I wake up and feel so weird in an unsettled and anxious way, because I am a grown up. Right now, I'm unemployed  and looking for new opportunities. But it's daunting, because I have to taylor my application for every job board, can't just throw around a fixed resume. Above all, I'm afraid of where I'm going to be in five years. I wonder if I'm going to be successful and independent then, and hope so for the most. Both my parents are going to be retired that this point. When I was your age, I expected to be married with kids by now, and I never went there. 

Before my mom found out about my MD, it was my school peers who first noticed signs. I laughed my head off in junior high and they thought I had an imaginary friend. Then mom caught me when I was 24, and wasn't happy about it at all. She gave me a hard time in life every since. My dad still supports me career-wise and in relationships, but mom persists on complaining about my attitudes and my space cadet ways. That's why we shouldn't live together.