Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I was quite a weird girl. Everybody made fun of me a lot. I guess because I came across as a dumb and unfriendly...and very weird person. They didn't understand why I simply can't be like them, making friends and going on dates. They all sort of took pity on me. I figured this is the way I am...so I took my MD as solace. But then I got addicted and it took over my mental health, and life. I didn't realize it can get stronger and grow on you. I didn't do research when I was in my teens. So when my mom and sister found out, they thought I needed to get serious help. You don't know the damage you've done until someone finally gets inside your head. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, the people in my school were also really immature, looking back at it, but they somehow seemed to be popular amongst everyone and had no problems entering relationships, although they looked at it more as just "getting a girlfriend or boyfriend". I've only seen one couple from my school days who are still going strong. Me, being the socially awkward fellow, couldn't talk well with girls back then and they found me weird as a result. Today, at least, they don't feel uncomfortable around me but still single and wondering how to get cracking at dating. 

By the way, tell me what would you look for in a partner. I'm curious.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

With me the foundation was back in 1998. When I was 12, funny enough, I had crushes on grown celebrity men, not teenage boys. I found the guys in my school immature, noisy and gawky. So I didn't find this sexy. I wasn't really interested in dating them. I was extremely quiet, making it hard for them to want to date me. I just never really liked common day people, or perhaps I just couldn't relate to them, and preferred my fantasies. I found my fictional love interests far more attractive and interesting. Today I've changed and do appreciate real people, but can't seem to find someone with the assets I'm looking for.  

I don't have a problem with feeling depressed and tired. Though lately, I face incidents around the house that stress me out, especially when it comes to dealing with my demanding parents. Sometimes I find it hard to eat and sleep. My mom is getting older and crabbier every year. And my dad just wishes that I got a job and left the house. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Damn, that's something. My mind is just making me to sit at the same place and feel depressed and tired. Nowadays, MD is filled with dreams which are negative at first but will make a comeback to being badass, like my character gets hurt by people and bounces back strong. I think for me, the actual start of it was not 2012, as I thought, but late 2008 to early 2009 and the cause, as cringy as it is to say it, my inability to talk to girls and be considered cool, "handsome" and all those good adjectives. Like 2012 had kickstarted MD for me, but the foundation was laid back in 2009. It's kinda scary to realise that now.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, my body can predict upcoming things. It's a weird feeling. Like it's saying, "Change your life now." I have to roll out of bed, it actually feels quite strong. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, my mum's also quite difficult on me. And the pressure from my relatives is also quite a handful. So I hope to get a job soon. As for relationships, well, I'm still in the same place I was years ago. I'm talking to more people now, but as far as romance goes, doesn't look like anyone wants that, yet. So maybe once I get stable, I can pursue that with more confidence. But I'm afraid the fact that I've had zero relationships might be a turn-off for some people.

Looks like your body's predicting something big. Like, your cards are about to change. So kudos, I guess :D

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just shocked after being cocooned in a house for 15 months, after covid broke out. All I got was a 3 month contract at Sobeys and lasted 2 weeks at a car dealership. So I'm crossing my fingers a newer and better opportunity will come around. As we're mid point through the year. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well I have a difficult relationships with my mom. She's getting old and she's actually driving me out of the house. She doesn't think I can do anything right and will never keep a job for long. She does support my artwork and illustrations, but she's concerned that people will pick up that I'm not normal. So it will make my career life and independence extremely difficult. She makes the same remark towards any probable relationships I may have. My dad is very supportive and understanding on the other hand and is always around to help me out. Although I am embarrassed to admit that I still live with them at 35. I do try hard to find employment when it comes available. When one door shuts, another door opens. 

Lately I'm feeling weird or funky whenever I wake up. Like I'm getting hunches and my body tells me things. As if I'm sensing a major change up ahead. Some people can do that. Or maybe I'm just cringing that I haven't made the next big step yet...at 35 and I have to change. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, yeah, a change of housing will definitely help. I hope it does for me as well. As much as I like my room, living with my non-understanding mom is painful. I don't like living with my mom nowadays. For any problem, she's like "man up and act normal", which makes it even worse. So I'll also be more active on the career front, same as you. I too hope to get a job. 

There's only certain things you should have at 35 to live well for you. Otherwise, take full pride (safe to say, some swagger) in being yourself at any time. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to admire where I lived, it was nice and calming with a neat ambiance in all weather, and it was a scope for my MD. But now I'm sick of the place and want to move on, but can't, because it's unaffordable to just leave. This is becoming a wake up call for me. I'm not crazy about my parent's house either. I find parts of the house are boring and need major interior lighting. If I moved somewhere, I'd make sure the colors are friendly and inviting. 

Yeah, I hope that I can get a job this summer, if I can. It's going take some work tailoring my application all the time. In that case, I'll be applying to 4-5 jobs a day. I'm starting to feel too old to live with my parents. If I told my former peers this news, they probably would've dropped their jaws. I think it's because I didn't go for the right career. Matter of fact, I have a hard time waking up every morning realizing where I am today. It gives me the quivers. I'm actually very worried. I'm not behaving how I should at 35.