This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 3, 2021 at 12:24pm

It hits me. I feel like time passed me by since I started MD. Now I realize it all began 23 years ago. All my friends and peers are all grown up now and have children of their own. I mean, they don't look like me. If I payed attention to life, I wouldn't be in this situation today. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 3, 2021 at 12:13pm

I wished I learned that many years ago..but I have trouble reading body language and emotions, so it was way over my head. The bullies didn't always talk and explain the truth. They made sounds and insinuations. But I knew deep down they were hurting me and it was wrong. 

I honestly believe a pandemic lasts 2-3 years tops. It's great they found a vaccination by now, it just means the pandemic will end sooner. Those people going out anyway are narcissistic. I was biking down a road just to get out of my house, and I came upon a woman on a side walk who immediately berated me for not biking on the road and staying away from walkers. I dealt with this a few times during covid. I understand they're paranoid, but there is no need to yell at me. There are bikers and Scooters everywhere on the trails where people walk. 

People who laugh and don't understand are cruel and don't care to make amusement out of those who don't have a place in their society. I dealt with this shit all my life. A really doesn't take a stranger long to dislike me. Anyway I was taught to ignore and stand up for myself. My sister one told me on Facebook, when it's non family your crap out of luck.

Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 2, 2021 at 8:35pm

Yeah, they take their insecurities and project them onto others to feed their own ego. So, know that in a way, we're better than them.

I hope 2022 is the year where this whole pandemic goes away and people can go back to their normal lives as usual. I can't wait to come back outside and meet people normally, but as of now, I'm just staying home keeping to myself and talking to friends via games or discord. In India, people right now don't even care about the pandemic and are going out. They consider masks as something to put on so they don't get caught by the traffic cops.

Yeah, even I felt people laughed at how I looked, how I talked. I was just in my world and I was unable to relate to that crowd who was all about being out there, when I can only do it in limited capacity, It's when they start embarrassing me out in the open that I feel so irritated, like they can't understand that teasing only makes it worse.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 2, 2021 at 1:53pm

It was always a self-conscious thing with me. I felt that people laughed at my appearance. I wasn't much for words and it made me look stupid. Even unfriendly. My very actions and behaviours came across to them like I came from another planet. So they always asked why I do that or how could I do this. Like they think I'm nuts and not making sense. People have also misread my face and think I'm bored, unhappy or angry, and I may just be sitting there feeling quite content. So they'll come over and suddenly embarrass me in open public with a criticism. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 2, 2021 at 11:30am

You're right about the bullies. I never should've let them get to me. I was surrounded by troubled kids and teens, even adults, growing up. So when they manipulated me, I couldn't have known they were insecure and had personal issues. I had a teacher like this once. 

I guarantee that next year will not look like 2020 and 2021, since people are getting their vaccines and boosters, and we've gotten over 3 or 4 curves. Everybody is pretty well in the same situation as both of us. So just stay safe and keep busy. I take it on people who just want to go out and have a good time, not caring that they're making others sick and making this pandemic stay longer.

Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 1, 2021 at 7:43pm

I do have friends, but I'd love to see them, do things with them in person. But due to COVID, we meet everyday in an online game (Valorant), and we play together and have fun, or on Discord where we talk in group calls. But I'm longing for the day when I can freely go and see them.

I'm also longing to date someone and be in a relationship, but I don't even know how to find if someone is interested in me or not. So I've never had the feeling of being in a relationship and I wonder how I'd do if I entered one soon. But please don't feel that you're not meant to have someone. It's a crushing feeling that I feel almost every day, so I'd rather you not feel that way as well. And, as far as bullies are concerned, I've learnt that people bully others due to a need to satisfy their own egos and insecurities. Since we don't feel the need to bully someone, safe to say, we're superior to them XD.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 1, 2021 at 1:28pm

I do recall longing for a relationship a lot in my youth and early adulthood. I had this habit of staring out in the distance thinking hard about something I really want, usually meeting my prospective partner. But he never showed up after all those years I did this. So I'm sorry that I went there, because it's kind of bad for your head. I should've focused on myself and others, and the world around me. If I did so, then maybe this person would've popped up sooner? Maybe I wasn't meant to have someone at all. LOL. Point is nobody found me approachable and interactive, nor talkative, so I didn't experience relationships. Moreover, much of my life was spent all by myself. So anybody else who had no problems finding friends or getting involved with someone, they actually bullied me on the spot, and were mean about it. Even embarrassed me in front of everybody. I guess they all literally observed what was going on with me. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 1, 2021 at 11:13am

Yesterday, I looked at the other side of the coin, and realized what a fool I was to fall for my imagination. I used to believe in everything going on in my head. I have noticed while I did this, life was going by so casually and realistically, and I wasn't seeing any changes. So I just kept on doing what I was doing. But then years past, and I still wasn't seeing anything...because I did nothing. So 17 years past and I never met my goals. Same goes for traveling, relationships and career, education too. I just sat on my but or drifted around town waiting for it all to happen. I look at my peers on Facebook, and they are way more successful, because their heads weren't somewhere else. If you want things, you have to go for them, or else you lose. My dad gave me lots of good advice since I was a teenager, that I didn't exactly follow, and now I feel like an idiot, because I still live with him. At 35. 

Your lucky to have friends. I do miss having friends, but the virus made it so damn hard. I can't even go see my girlfriend down the street, because she takes the rules seriously. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on June 30, 2021 at 9:12pm

Yeah, it gives you so much imagination but in real life, using it is quite hard. So when I moved to India from Muscat, I made that my goal, to make more friends, and at the last years of high school before college, I was somewhat successful. It was in college, in my late 2nd year, that I had met my current set of friends who I trust will stick by my side through thick and thin. And they're not my classmates, but batchmates. My classmates, most of them looked at me as the guy who lives in his own world. Maybe that could've been the reason I missed out on being out there and dating and stuff. I was always scared to ask out girls who I've become close to, out of fear that whatever bond we already had will be destroyed, so I stayed in a shell. I still don't know how to find out if a girl is into me. So, I'm still clueless about it.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on June 30, 2021 at 1:00pm

Bottom line is that real life is not going to look like our world. Dealing with any unrelated people is no different with family. Their just going to wonder 'where you were' and if your listening to a word their saying. They all live in this world. If I carried on this world, like I did in MD, they'd find me so weird. I'd make them skeptical or critical. I used to spend so many hours a day on my computer in a room. So nobody ever knew where I was, so I had no relationships. So I kind of deserve that. My point is you need to get out of your head to be happy and embrace life. Otherwise, your loved ones and everybody else will think your on planet Zorbit. That's just not a healthy way to live. 

Thing is when I was young, I was self-absorbed and wrapped up in myself. I actually liked my worlds. They made me feel important and special inside. It didn't last though, and I eventually woke up. Realized it never was about me and there is a whole world out there. Interestingly enough, I didn't share my experiences with anybody. So nobody knew what the hell I was up to, wherever I was doing MD. Nobody even knew who I was and that I existed. I basically made a fool of myself the whole time. Last summer, dad told me friends don't come from daydreams, and he was right. 

I guess because I was in my 20's, I was excited as I waited for life to start, so I MD'd about looking forward to my future. Sadly, life didn't look how I planned and wanted it to. It turned flat out boring, because of the fact I was distracted by my daydreams. It was so ironic. I realized that I would've lived better if I hadn't daydreamed at all. 

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