Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm beginning to think that I might turn out to be a late bloomer at times. I would tell you to not be scared and don't compare but I'd be a hypocrite because I'm also going through that now. Mum pressuring me to get a job ASAP so that the relatives will be pleased. 

Also, the outcome for recovering from MD is a lesson, not a life sentence. So, you can do it. It's kind of funny how I can give positivity to people but I can't do it to myself. Like lighting others' candles even without my own candle being lit, eventually gets mine lit as well, if that makes any sense XD.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm beginning to think I deserve the outcomes I got for being such a daydreamer. You don't get ahead in life that way. I was too complacent. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I also wished I used my brain a lot more. I spent more time doing MD than doing anything constructive. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to find solace in MD. Now I practically have no life, because of it. It wasn't hard for anybody to figure out that I was somewhere else. Just by the way I behaved. What makes me choke is that my dad expects me to be established and independent by now, which I'm not. I'm afraid he's going to be very mad at me, if I don't get my act together. So I'm going to try hard to get a new job this summer. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, being overprotected can be counter productive. I was being shown a bit too much affection, since I was born after 2 still births. But it made me so dependent even now, that it irritates my mom now.

Some of my friends tell me not to compare but some of them tell me that it's a bit late, since it's COVID time. So I'm torn. I've started identifying my strengths and will start working on them. Although I would also need to work on how to mask my behavioral problems over there as well, when everything starts opening up. 

And yeah, I expected someone to just like me in that way without actually putting in effort, which in hindsight, was cringe. So now I'm being more social, online for now. I've been talking to other MDers as well in WhatsApp and made some new friends there. And some people who I play games with as well. But I still don't know how do I take it to that romantic step or how to identify if someone wants that. So it's a small start, but I guess I will learn. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I actually regret and give up on what I was trying to do. I was supposed to focus on me. I drifted around expecting someone would just walk into my life, without even socializing all that much. As if I believed in what my head was telling me. It's actually idiotic. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wish that I knew now that I didn't know as a young adult. Mom coddled and overprotected me, and spoiled me, instead of telling me to work, do house duties and teaching me about the world around me. I remember this one time she taught us about sexual offenders when I was 11, and how to kick their balls out. That was it. I even recall being babysat until I was 13. Up until 18, mom yelled at me about staying out overtime without telling her and walking home from school during twilight hours. The way she raised me didn't teach me a thing about growing into a responsible adult. So I didn't have any experience when I did become an adult. Dad told me to go to college, pick a profession and move out. Even considered starting a business when I got my degree. I was a 25 year old who never run a store in my whole life. Previously I got laid off all my college jobs. I was so very afraid then, and I still am today. 

I should've known from the start not to compare myself with others, but I did it for years anyway. I'm still at home with my mom that tells me I can't do anything right and I will fail...they will notice my behavioural problems and find out I daydream. To show humility, this actually happened a number of times. If the person didn't know I was a daydreamer, they'd ask me WHY repeatedly and stare at me funny.

Overall all, I wish that I spent my whole decade continuing my college studies or worked in coops, or took up a skilled trade and didn't let my mom criticize me. I shouldn't have just relied on my graphic design degree. I learned that graphic design is hard and not everybody who takes the program is successful when they go into the field. My dad is still convinced I can do better in future jobs and I hate to break it that I'll survive in that career. 

[Kiruba Victor]

If I could go back in time and apply the lessons about life and emotions I learnt, I probably would've ended up in a much better position than I am now. 

People who go out during a pandemic are stupid and a risk to others. I imagine you might've bumped into a few "Karen" type people  XD. 

People tell me to not compare myself with others and all, but it's so hard, being in a home with my mother who keeps on telling me that time is ticking and all that, and seeing my friends get placed in good companies or having their plan set on what they wanna do, whereas for me, I'd say my only credible strength is language fluency, which is quite a thing in India.

I guess, when we get too much care from parents, we kind of get dependent on them and when suddenly we get responsibilities thrust on us, it gets overwhelming. I had a scare yesterday about whether I'll survive to see 30. So I started working on identifying what I'm good at, so that I can monetize it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm stunned at where I am too. I expected at 35, I'd have a house, car and a profession. At least I have a nice desk and new iMac. But I seem to be underdeveloped in personal growth and maturity. I didn't understand the definition of get good grades in school, go to university and get a good job. I carried on like this was a fancy free world where I can do whatever I want, wherever I want, without money cares. After I while, I saw that it sucks. How can you live without the important things they strongly advise you to do? When I was in my 20's, I was confident that I would fall in love and get married, so I won't worry too much about being self-supportive. Life can't possibly happen like you imagined and it will definitely surprise you with ironic twists. I did not date people and get married. I struggled in my career and stayed home well in my adulthood. My parents were very concerned that I'll wind up poor and not possess much. My mom thinks it's her fault, because she did too much for me in my childhood. Fortunately, I want to get working again, and pick up where I left off. I'd rather work hard and survive than live in fear and doubt. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It hits me. I feel like time passed me by since I started MD. Now I realize it all began 23 years ago. All my friends and peers are all grown up now and have children of their own. I mean, they don't look like me. If I payed attention to life, I wouldn't be in this situation today.