This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 7, 2021 at 6:45pm

Yeah, even I was the type who was awkward around everyone and safe to say, behaved a bit like a wannabe (in hindsight, bad move). Comparison has haunted me for quite some time. My mother compares me to my successful cousins and pressurizes me to keep up with them, when I know I'm not like them and that I'm different.

Just a couple of days ago, one of my close friends texted me, checking up if I was okay (since my snaps and instagram stories were dark). I confided to her about MD. She didn't understand it but was ready to help me out. I thought people in other countries were more liberal and open about mental health, but it's kinda sad and shocking to see that people over there look down upon mentally ill people. Here, the older generation people also look down upon them (saying sarcastically "do you want to be admitted in a mental hospital", which hurts so bad).

I have found a haven of people who understand me and help me up whenever I have problems, as I will help them with theirs.

I have started taking steps for a career with online courses and I hope that with those skillsets I acquire, I can land a decent first job. My mom would also not support staying in with them, so I might have to move with my friends.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 7, 2021 at 11:55am

I was supposed to fly the coop in my 20's. But I failed to stick to a company, because the contact didn't extend and I needed lots of self-improvement. I also dealt with mental health issues that weighed me down and my mom got overly concerned about me. So I stayed living with my parents much longer than I expected. I also blame myself for not taking my education and training more crucially. It's just the next decisions and moves you make in your life. You have to do everything wisely with discretion. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 7, 2021 at 7:21am

It's just, I feel like I took my MD too far. And I wasn't listening to what people were saying. I was way too complacent there. I thought everything will be fine. No, it wasn't. I thought I could find my own crowd, and I still haven't. The first sign that people were very critical on me is they couldn't get a word out of my mouth. But I didn't take it seriously, because I was an optimist. I thought to myself, "What do they know?" 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 7, 2021 at 6:34am

I never had any friends that supported my MD. Actually, non of them know I have it. I never tell them, because I'm afraid they'll find this freaky and break up with me. Canada is kind of different. Anybody finds you're a daydreamer, they'll treat you like a mental patient. I had cases at school where students and teachers found out and they looked at it like a bad thing. Girls have overreacted like I got into something fatal...and guys were real angry and yelled at me. Overall, the situation was usually unpleasant and embarrassing. I can't be sure what your Indian friends are like, but it's not the same here. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 7, 2021 at 6:29am

I always came across to others that 'I do not talk and have no friends,' and I do all these weird things they can't comprehend, but cringe and stay away.

Since I was a kid, I thought I was going to have a normal life. Have friends, go to college, get married and be independent. Thing is, you look at other people's examples, and think you can do this yourself, without even learning who you are first. I had a bad habit of doing this for years. Then I realize I don't have their brains and skillsets. I am ME and I have to work on that. I might be in a low place, but it's my job to climb up from there. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 6, 2021 at 7:59pm

Well, my friends had to bring me in line to make it happen. I feel that people who are friends with MDers often feel like they're spoonfeeding the affected person. It has happened to me and sometimes I do feel bad for making them feel that way. I wonder if friends can feel this way, then our partners would have an even harder time helping us out XD. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 6, 2021 at 11:28am

Thanks. It's great you're confident you will be stable financially by 26. I wish that I said that for myself. Apparently, my mental health and relationship with my mom got me waiting longer on this than I expected. Just the way it stands in this household. It's good that you're taking courses in something you like. I should be doing this too. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on July 6, 2021 at 11:05am

Yeah, me too. I would've been much better off without MD. At least, nobody teases me anymore. but I still have to watch myself actively in public. 

I've now taken a small step towards a career, partaking in courses for content writing, business management and all. So, I hope to be stable financially at least to a small extent by the time I'm 26.

I can see that you're taking steps towards independence, so you're making progress. Don't pay too much attention to the ticking clock. You'll make it. And I hope I make it as well XD.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 6, 2021 at 8:49am

Maybe I was too young and immature to understand, having spent a lot of time in my head. I realize that I got everything all wrong, when it comes to life. I lived in the world of ME so much, that I wasn't even paying attention to what I needed to do to survive. MD felt was like Disney magic to me in youth. I wasn't living in the real world and didn't see that I had to work and study very hard to make sure I'm not still dependent by the time I'm 35. 

I used to believe my MD was bringing me hope and joy for an exiting and amazing life. When really, it was lying to my face the whole time. Leaving me in this rut over years to come. I should've took a harder look when nothing was getting better. And I should've stopped to realize that I was actually mentally ill. 

When I see myself now and look at myself back then, I'm stunned for words. I wonder if I can still pick up where I left off and get up the ladder. Now being in my mid 30's, time is ticking. 


Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 6, 2021 at 7:27am

I have Asperger syndrome as well. So people have always instantly come right over and harassed me. I think my AS has lured people more to easily notice what's going on with that head of mine, especially when it comes to reading my eyes. I've even minded my own business, but someone comments that I look like I'm wondering. I thought I could disguise these things. Looks like I can't. That's why these days I crucially watch my appearance and body language in public. 

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