Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can't be sure if I appeared so abhorred to people, but I can't name a dull moment where I wasn't criticized by someone. I am diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and it disables you from being interactive and talkative around people. This plagued my social life. If it wasn't covid, I'd be facing a new crowd of people giving me similar reactions towards my condition. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I didn't get therapy and treatment, so it's a life long suffering I have to endure. That is why I did MD in the first place. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Wow, looks a lot like Omegle to me. You can find some people here, maybe Instagram or any social media for that matter. Even if it's just online conversations, you can make pretty good friends who you can turn to if you have a problem. I can do personal meets as well, but it would take more effort for me to get the conversation cracking than it would online (something I'm working on). You can consider me as someone you can talk to and make friends with (although I'm no artist like you are).

Reality still is depressing for me, but I'm taking steps to stop MDing by talking to people more, mostly other MDers. 

Social awkwardness plagued my life too. But online conversations are helping. I don't know if I can approach someone at events, since I don't go to bars or clubs (because I don't drink and I hate places where you're kind of forced to do so), but as of now, I'm talking better than I used to. Friendships are now fine. I'm still relatively bad in the dating department, since I'm nervous to ask people out and I can't quite discern whether someone is interested in me or not. I get envious seeing my friends do it effortlessly. So I MD about finding that often and sit at home gaming and talking to people online.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Frankly, I want to move away from my hometown as soon as possible. I guess it makes me sick, after the events that went on here, surrounding myself and how others looked at me. It's like I used to be a story here. When my parents first moved to this area, it was a close-knit neighbourhood next to a village. So everybody who lived and went to school here knew who I was. Of course after graduation, everybody moved out and dispersed to their colleges. As years past it was peaceful with no screaming and laughing brats calling my name anymore. Still that isn't the point. I had trouble identifying where my own crowd was. I did get over my background, but what bothers me is I never took the big step of leaving my comfort zone and attending all sorts of social clubs and gatherings in Toronto to find "who" I'm looking for. I was a very socially awkward person who was uncomfortable with doing this. So I continued to sit at my computer doing my graphic art, watching videos and typing blogs. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I woke up this week and realized whatever world I've been living in nobody else saw or understood, all but me. I noticed how often they bickered, threw contemptuous looks and kept on asking snooty questions. I also remember how often they picked on how stupid I looked outside, sitting there all quietly. Like they were mentally 'here' but I wasn't. I always wondered why they were so mad at me. 

But this week I feel like a whole new person who finally understood what went wrong and why nothing I looked forward to worked out. I was too busy daydreaming to make anything happen for real. I remember spending an entire decade at home being criticized by my mom in the kitchen that I'm in some trance, and won't listen up, and I take forever to finish my breakfast. She still talks about it everyday. Surprisingly, even my former peers saw that something was up. 

MD once made me feel happy, when really, it was a disorder. It deluded me to think I'll have an excellent future. I spent years walking about the parks, trails, beaches and waterfront hoping for things to get better, when really it kept on staying lame. I guess that I was one of those people who ignored that something didn't look right...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's great you found your crowd. I'd have to go online to find people who relate to me. Since it's very hard to get involved in person this days. I usually visit meetups.com. It's where everybody in Toronto goes to seek their own interests and meetup with members. I stopped doing this for a while, because I was against seeing people virtually. I do prefer in person contact. But I don't seem to have a choice, and have to do this. You're so lucky you found friends, because I am still looking everyday. It's harder to make friends when you're an adult my age.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm actually looking forward to moving out and being with my friends. The courses are going on. Soon, I hope to get a job.

I've also felt the fear that I wouldn't be able to find my tribe but after I did, I realized that there wasn't much fault in me but in how others responded to me. You can talk online and make friends, like you and I have. There's always a community out there according to our interests or in this case, problems too.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I learned a big moral from this. I can either go live in my head and believe in things that are not true, or I can change the way I think and make a big healthier difference in myself. That way people will not berate and look at me like I'm on another planet. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, I feel like a fool. Reality did not look like what I fantasized about. Maybe I had a hard time accepting reality or wasn't sure how to understand it better. I actually did MD over my frustrations of not being able to connect and get together with people. I didn't realize that I had Asperger syndrome until I was 30. What's even more daunting, is my struggle to survive in the world and hold down a secure job. I've even met people not as smart as I am, who have no trouble making friends, getting engaged and supporting themselves. I think it's the fact I haven't found my own tribe. It's awfully difficult to do this during the pandemic. It's tough getting ahead in life without everybody being skeptical and inquisitive towards my daydreaming problem. I hate to think this is as good as it gets. It's like I have this rare, phenomenal condition that looks freaky to others and prevents me from behaving like them. This is actually delaying my adulthood. I never realized what harm it can do until I entered the real world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I might take online courses this fall, or even take free sessions while working. I'd have to move out myself, since I don't know anybody to co-inhabit a place with. Honestly, I can't stand living in my town, there's nothing much going on and I have no friends who live here. Currently, I am job hunting and it takes more than just applying. I'm networking with recruiters as well and hope to get employed later this summer. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, even I was the type who was awkward around everyone and safe to say, behaved a bit like a wannabe (in hindsight, bad move). Comparison has haunted me for quite some time. My mother compares me to my successful cousins and pressurizes me to keep up with them, when I know I'm not like them and that I'm different.

Just a couple of days ago, one of my close friends texted me, checking up if I was okay (since my snaps and instagram stories were dark). I confided to her about MD. She didn't understand it but was ready to help me out. I thought people in other countries were more liberal and open about mental health, but it's kinda sad and shocking to see that people over there look down upon mentally ill people. Here, the older generation people also look down upon them (saying sarcastically "do you want to be admitted in a mental hospital", which hurts so bad).

I have found a haven of people who understand me and help me up whenever I have problems, as I will help them with theirs.

I have started taking steps for a career with online courses and I hope that with those skillsets I acquire, I can land a decent first job. My mom would also not support staying in with them, so I might have to move with my friends.