Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I understand your envy. It's a mystery why people comment that I'm good looking and yet I can't attract people romantically. First impression they'll get is that I'm simply too quiet for them, or I don't talk enough. All they hear is moans, breathes and mutters. Otherwise, people find me a funny person who looks likes she's not in the zone and needs to take a nap. I'm introvert, so I don't appear very reactive and chatty. I think it's because I don't socialize. Other times, my mind will be somewhere else...and that is something they will not like. 

I could travel the seven seas, walk across China and climb up the biggest mountain, and I'll be the same old Jessica around people. It's how you approach others that's the problem. 

[Kiruba Victor]

That was so true. Movies have a very bad idea of love, so much so that the god of love in movies isn't Cupid, it's "stupid" XD, Like, I've met people who only see me as a friend so far and not as romantic material and I'm wondering what makes it that way. And it makes me envious as hell to see others get it so easily. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I was way too smug when I was a kid. Thing is, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. Since 4th grade, the concept of 'art school' came to my head. I was always a very gifted artist. However, art didn't possess me enough to become a full-fledged career. I went to art college anyway, thinking I would wing it with an art career. I liked painting, printing and drawing. But my dad got so concerned that this will guarantee making any money, so I talked me into taking up design or anything practical that I can do. After I did get my graphic design degree, this only assured temporary contracts, which really irritates me. If I had known that, I would've taken up something else. I'll probably have to make alternatives. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

As for Romance. I notice that most people don't have an imagination like I do. They are just very good and pay attention to people. I took it too much by the Hollywood movies. I thought maybe I'd have a happily ever after somewhere along the way. Regardless I fell into that trap once again—I fall for what I imagine and believe inside my head and hope it comes true. Only to realize down the road that real life just doesn't look that way. And it hits me so hard. It makes me wonder if maybe I still didn't meet my type. I just keep on meeting people that are set off by my appearance and demeanour, and behaviour. I have to be just like them, or else I'm on my own. I was always jealous they can easily mingle in crowds, and I just can't. I also wonder if everybody was treating me so indifferently and making fun me, because I wasn't part of any particular tribe. So I was often solo. It often baffled me why I can't look like them. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Just because they tell you to have hope and patience, doesn't mean it guarantees anything. You have the very right to get what you want. How come everybody else is having all the fun and you never do? What's the fairness in that? 

Yes, I finally shut the doors to the past. I had to! It's getting sick living in the past. It's gone and was a while ago. You have to move on. My thirties are a far cry from my teens. I'm just shrieking in bewilderment that I'm not living on my own by now...and staring at the same park I grew up in. 

I haven't improved socially. I seem to have a big problem with social interaction. I'm not approachable and verbally challenged. I think people find me boring and tedious, and stupid looking. Even my closest friends remarked on how quiet I can be. 

I'll probably have a career in future that isn't design. I'm kind of dwindling in the graphics. It's a hard field and you have to be fast and good with the software and keyboard. Problem is that I don't have to drive. I struggled in this area for 10 years and nearly want to give up. I'm thinking of taking up college courses in something other, once covid is all over. 

[Kiruba Victor]

It's good that you were able to fully shut the doors of the past. I was able to do it for one section, but not for others. Safe to say, I've improved socially and have been able to make friendships but romance is something I'm clueless about where to start working on. As far as career goes. I've started learning some skills for a job. Although they have no relation to what I studied in college, it should do for survival at least. My friends will stick with me, even though at times they feel like they're spoon-feeding me, but I guess the whole "Life always finds a way" is still something to believe in. 

Weird thought: I feel hope and patience are two painful virtues to have. Like, they're good qualities but sometimes it can be painful and difficult.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I learned a few valuable life lessons. I should've focused on ME, stayed in school and followed my career pursuits, instead of waiting around for a guy. I shouldn't have allowed people to manipulate and bring me down. I could've just ignored them and did what I saw fit. Everybody gets hurt by something awful that happened in their past. I really should've got on with my life, and not hold onto my feelings like this. Important thing is I'm not going to do the same stupid things I did before. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I lived in the past...and for some years. I look at my former peers and they're all grown up with lives. Moved to other towns, cities, states and provinces. Some went to a university in another country. Meanwhile, I still live at home in my childhood neighbourhood, figuring out my life. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's OK if they misunderstood. I haven't seen any of these people for years. Even my own family had trouble reading me out. I do sort of show an attitude when I don't talk much. People do wonder if I'm quite OK. I haven't been seeing anybody for a year to tell if I still bother them. I do feel they were too obsessed over how I displayed myself in a room. I was the strong silent type, so I guess they got disturbed and started to show sarcasm towards it. 

Anyway, I'm over the past now...it's long gone behind me. I am currently out of a job and have to strategize a plan by reaching out to recruiters and showing them my stuff. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, a lot of people are judgmental about something that they're not fully aware of. And I think it's more related to them feeling bad about you not talking to them. Like, even if we have problems talking, they don't know it and they assume that we don't like them and hence the negative reactions. I've been in that situation where people have wrongly assumed that I'm some attitude king and where I've wrongly assumed that certain people are full of attitude as well. But I do realize to a certain extent that it's not always us, but sometimes them, who's at fault.