Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I guess even I could've had maybe one or two relationships if I expressed the intent proper, but the fear of being rejected and things being subsequently awkward stopped me from doing so.

I'm still doing courses and looking for jobs which don't need any coding skills and all that. I need some job which will at least take me to the next step to survive. I missed out on doing internships because of MD and now I deeply regret that.

My parents don't know about my MD, and even if I told them, they'd dismiss it as lies and paranoia. So as of now, it's only my friends who know about this.

I've learned a few things where I messed up but it's still a road under construction. So, I'm making progress at the pace of a turtle, you can say.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think the reason I'm stunned is that my realm of dreams were "fantasies" that were too good to be true. Of course real life didn't happen in accordance to what I believed in my head. So I got the results that I earned so far. I blame the fact I sat back and waited for things to come along. When really, it was my responsibility to chase my goals and make them happen. Taking the appropriate steps to make them realistic. So year after year went by the same way, because I didn't get off my butt, make better decisions and take action. I just "collected dust." 

For the first time in a full decade, I decided to apply for a Second Career program at an institution after I speak with a service provider at an agency in my community. I had enough with applying to all these jobs that don't last. I really need to be retrained. It may even be a totally different program from design. I'm taking this chance now, so that I don't regret years ahead. 

I think I took my mom's criticisms too much to heart in 2010, when she found out my MD. She was concerned that my MD will effect anything I will get involved in, whether it's a class or a position. To be honest, this is old news. I honestly wonder if she even remembers what she said to me then. 

When you're older, you'll understand and see things clearly that you didn't years ago. I recently learned everything that went wrong in my past, just now. I can even comprehend how frustrated and mad everybody was. Perhaps, if I got out of my head and payed attention to them, I would've had better relationships up to today's standards. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I actually could've had a couple relationships if I had opened my mouth. Fact I was so quiet was very boring and to everyone. They didn't even like how I sounded when I tried to speak up. I sounded like I was moaning and muttering. If you can't talk properly where I come from, you're sunk. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Okay, paper sticking was straight up rude, and that too, saying things like that even more so. I can only imagine how embarrassing it was for you. That's straight up sexual harassment in my opinion. Like, how can people be so heartless to do that?! That's messed up.

People did find me weird as well. So in order to not seem weird, I showed off that I smoked and drunk (which was quite common and "cool" amongst teenagers in that time), which I did not and still have not, at all. Looking back, I cringed at that and accepted that part of who I am. 

Even now, I probably can't talk to strangers in real world, but I can talk online via some common medium. Maybe, if we meet in real life, it would be very difficult to start and keep a conversation going, like we have here. That's why I wish that sometime later in my life, I move out of India, because I feel that I've been surrounded by Indian people all my life and I want a change. I want to meet people and have friends from other countries as well.

I hope that I find work soon, so that at least I have a reason to keep living and that I can at least live without fear. 

For me, the whole concept of a "hook-up" is alien to me. Having been brought up in a very conservative home, I was awkward in talking to girls and became a wannabe while trying to impress them. While I'm more at ease talking to girls now than before, I think I still have that thought of trying to be cool, when I'm not too cool in real life.

Yeah, I've never had luck in romance either and it's something that has been bugging me for a while now. In my third year of college, I was carefree about being single and I was content roaming with my friends and having fun. But I met this girl who's a friend of mine after a long lockdown, when our college briefly reopened. It was a Wednesday, me and her, we were hanging out together, just the two of us, talking and exchanging laughs. She gives a few hints that she's into me (which I may have interpreted wrong, do help me out here). One was where she got slightly jealous when I waved hi to another girl who was also a friend of mine while I was with her. Another one was, her driver had some issue, so I told her to go help him out, and she was like "Really?! You want me to go". I changed my stance and asked her to stay and we had a good afternoon with each other, and that's when I started to develop feelings for her, only to find out that she was committed to someone else. Just when I thought that I might have my shot at love, this happened. I took it too much to heart and it still hurts, about 5 months later. Sorry if I sounded like a raving loon, but this was what reignited my desperation for love and romance.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Most times, nobody knows that I'm there. Often people have made jokes about my quiet behavior. Two people have sarcastically told me to settle down, because I just sat still all blank faced and untalkative. Rest of the time, people carried on like I didn't exist. My mind is so loud and radical on the inside. Outside, I am the quietest person anybody has ever met. 

I was never romantically involved for this reason. I got bullied by all the boys for being the quiet one in school. They constantly ranted and raved at me that I come across as very stupid. So I never went on a date in high school, even college. There was a time I commuted home from a date of college courses, and my mom found a small piece of rolled up paper taped to my butt that read "I like big cocks I cannot lick." Mom then told me not everybody who goes to college is mature. 

To this day, I'm still anxious to go talk to strange people, let alone ask them out, which is something I never do. Apparently that is how introvert I am. I knew an exuberant girl in high school who had no trouble expressing herself out loud and interacting comfortably with others. She too gossiped to other students that "I don't talk and I have no friends." She is now a saleswoman in Boston, and also a theater entertainer. 

Since I am a graphic artist, I usually work at my computer studio remotely, and seldom inhouse, so I seldom socialize with others all day. Surprisingly I work in a room I grew up in all my life, as I failed to afford a one-room apartment. Canada is expensive to live in when your only making under $40K. My other peers got houses for themselves, and bride/grooms/partners, because they worked hard for it and payed attention to people. Also they didn't live in dreamland. Some of them are still single like me and love their independent lives. I often blame myself for not looking exactly like them, because of my daydreaming problems. 

When I was younger, MD did fill me with hope of finding love, happiness and career success. When really *disturbingly* it was a lying inner voice in my head, telling me things that are far from true. It was actually distracting me from pursuing all these things and caused me to fall hard on my face, miserably. So I lived in a predicament all through the 2010's. Real sad. 

I realized that people can actually detect that my mind was someplace else. Especially when I didn't listen up and pay attention in the workplace. When it came to relationships, it was a disaster. People who tried to be my friend and go further into the relationship, eventually changed their mind, because they got upset with my incapability to listen to them, and often caught me laughing inappropriately, which was a big no no on my end. I almost hooked up with a guy at a family birthday part when I was 27, he was 20, but first he caught me falling into a trance at the table and wondered if I was OK, and then I got too nervous when he came on too strong. So he pulled off the bond when I headed on home. I expected that he was still going to call me back, but he never did.

So I never had any luck with guys. Either they found me shy, quiet or shaky. That's why I hope to find my real partner someday. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I don't mind if the girl is geeky. And as far as great in bed goes, no one is good right away, I feel. Even we won't be, straight away. It has a learning curve.

And even if I did find someone, expressing romantic intent has one problem, that if it's not reciprocated, things will be very awkward between the two people involved that a lot of times, the contact is cut off for both our sakes. So, I'm concerned on that bit. Like, how do I know when someone wants to have a romance with me or when to make a "move", so to speak.

I wish I learned these things in college, but my anxiety prevented me from taking that leap of faith.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

That's it. I need to find a person who is willing, and great enough, to put effort into understanding me better and not judging my appearance right off the bat. That is exactly what I struggled with all my life. People go for those who are social, sexy and good in bed...not geeks and dorks like us. We just have to keep looking for that true love in our lives. We will eventually get there. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I'd say I'm decent looking but people have often found me weird because I drift off into MD quite often. Thing is, I'm like a switch which takes some effort to open up, but once opened, will be very difficult to switch off. I'm also an introvert, like you, and I'm good at continuing conversations, not so good at starting them. 

I've started to not expect too much when it comes to shared interests and all that. I have friends who aren't into gaming like I am and yet we're quite close. All you and I need, in terms of crowds, is just people who are willing to put effort in to understand us and not judge us right off the bat. 

I also see my fellow classmates on Instagram hanging out quite often and honestly, I don't mind it, since I only care more about my friends and not the others. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm a very intelligent person, but it frustrates me that I failed to find a crowd who is like me and shares the same interests, even thinks and talks alike. I tend to overthink and analyze anything I touch, see and encounter. Then I start thinking too much and ramble to myself, making others think I'm nuts. 

Whenever I was on the scene, people couldn't help but stare at me critically and comment on the "same" stupid things, which can't be fixed overnight. It's like to them I'm not human. I'm afraid when I expose myself in public after covid, it's going to happen all over again. 

To be honest, I don't remember hanging out last decade. I had very few friends that were seldom available. If I wasn't in my studio or on the computer, I often roamed the parks by myself, grabbing coffee and treats. I go on Facebook, and everybody is always together at parties, vacations, ceremonies, weddings and social gatherings. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm also thinking of exploring other career roles at this point. I am starting to realize design is too hard for me. I had a lot of positions. I've faced some dead ends. I found out my strengths and weaknesses. I can't to see what my next new job will be.