Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It just breaks your heart really...and everybody just stares at you like you're in trouble.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Maybe I didn't want to understand that I really bother people with this talking business. Obviously, they didn't find it normal, seeing how bad their reactions were. They probably found me boring and dead-faced. Even my closest best friend had a big problem with it, and we almost don't see each other anymore. Do I look like a loser, and don't know it? Or should I know? I've even had a guy at school mimic what I look and sound like! 

I'm chattier and expressive than I was before, and will open my thoughts to my dad if he asks how I'm doing. What scares me that what I'm staring at is also my conclusion, and it will just stay the same forever. 

I was glowing with positivity, hope and optimism towards the future. But everybody's reaction towards me is all the same, like they just don't find me interactive. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

What bothers me is that nobody actually was aware that I was there. I stopped going to college and worked remotely at home, so nobody could see me. I was noticed when I worked onsite, but then co-workers just commented that I didn't talk that much and then they pushed on to talk with somebody else. I've had a guy at work literally put me on the spot and tell everybody I was the quietest person he's ever met, and even compared me to other women who are quite talkative. I was really stunned. And there was a harassment policy in that workplace. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, I'm afraid to back to daydreaming. I wish that it never got started. I would've been out of my parent's hair by now. It's terrifying how far daydreaming takes you. If I had done my research in my teenage years about MD, or at least told my mom in advance, I would be a totally different situation today. Society looks at daydreaming like it's bad, when really it's a good thinking mechanism. Only problem is it's distracting to life. 
That is why people normally don't do that. 

I'm getting very frustrated, even scared, about trying to get a job before year end. My application is just not good enough. Some employers didn't find my portfolio visually very good. 

I woke up this morning feeling so disturbed that I'm still sleeping in my childhood bedroom at 35. Most women my age are either supporting themselves and live in apartments, or they are married with children and living in houses. 
I've had people make remarks after I told them where I live, so I'm too embarrassed to say it again. 

I think it's a combination of not being able to keep a job, because of my disability, communication problems, attention span, and "daydreaming." I also think it's because nobody ever wanted to be in a relationship with me, so I didn't find anybody to live with. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it makes sense. I would want to see a reflection of myself in my partner as well. In terms of values and interests. Only, for me, I'm not too sure if I'd get it or not.

Yeah, I applied for another job yesterday, but no response yet. I hope that I get one soon. 

I'm still daydreaming, it hasn't gone away at all.. If anything, it's even worse now.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It just struck me. My mirror soul partner—or prospective partner—he would be just like me. He wouldn't be any hotter or sexier than me. He'd be a mirror image of me, only he's male. He'd even look and behave just like me. 

Anybody who rejected me, as a friend or date, they weren't the right match and we just didn't connect. They didn't like me or agree with me on any level. That's why I never saw them since. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I let it all go, after I graduated from college, like I just drafted out of touch. I didn't keep it up with the latest trends and technologies. And I had a lot jobs that didn't suit me and work out very well. I just sat on my ass, hoping some golden opportunity will drop in front of me. I wasn't using my head. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I thought that I was going to be a happy person, but it seems to me, even that doesn't come easy. I'm just wondering if my expectations were just so high and I wasn't realistic towards life. Plus my MD didn't make anything happen—all it did was make people think I need a shrink.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes, I think that I'm just like my grandma. She was a gem and an excellent mom. She knew how to take care of the house and cook. She was clever and could've been a business woman. But she wasn't strong on getting with the program, kind of like me. And she was a shy woman and easy talking who didn't get out and socialize. I don't have a worldly tongue like the rest of my family. I just say what comes to my mind. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is starting to make to nauseous, but I feel that my past life evolved around the fact, "I was this extremely quiet and emotionless person who almost nobody liked and wanted to pick on." What I fear is that it will just keep on going that way. I realize now that I shouldn't behave that way if I want to make new connections. By all means, I'll be a whole new person. The past hit me hard to an extent that it eventually effected my future too. Also, I noticed that nobody will know how I possibly feel, all except for my dad. I just feel like I'm living this life where nobody cares about me and knows that I exist. What drives me nuts is that my sister doesn't have my issues, and she's doing just fine. But she reacts on me similar to everybody else.