Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just wondering if I was too busy living in "la la land" to make anything happen. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I expected to own a house and have kids at this point in my life. What happened to there? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's kind of sad, but I don't feel like an adult. I should be an adult, but I don't act and sound like one. Mom understands that I might have arrested development, but my dad tells me to grow. I feel pressured to be someone I'm absolutely not. I should be ready for life, and I'm still struggling with that. 

Thing is, I never learned to move, pay for monthly bills and deal with household mechanics and facilities. I am a responsible person in some ways, but not in all ways. Although people tell me to grow up, they don't have my brain.

My dad talked me into starting a business a good 10 years ago. I worked for print shop and it was a disaster, I got let go within 5 weeks. I was 25 at the time. I wonder how well I'd do today. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I want to move out too, but I didn't make sure I was financially stable. I kind of lagged behind in my career as well. I actually need to think about retraining. Reason employers are not selecting me for an interview is that my portfolio is not outstanding. I'm starting to get stressed out, because my dad is asking questions and demanding an explanation as to why I can't find employment. It's scaring me, it really is. I'm also way too old to be going through this all over again, thanks to the pandemic. I better find an opportunity as soon as possible. See that it's getting close to the holidays, I wonder if I'll find anything. 

Yes, I'm feeling quite lonely, and it's my fault. I must say, I'm not a social butterfly. A lot of people tell me that I'm introvert. I should learn to pay more attention to people. I honestly don't do online dating, nor do I trust it. I tend to feel uneasy hooking up with strange people online. I really prefer in person encounters.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I do read them all, Jess. It's just that I read them in the morning, which is now. 

Yeah, moving out is a hard task. My friends also urge me to move out. If only I were financially stable. Believe me, I really want to move out bad

I've also been feeling really lonely as well. I got two tinder matches, both unmatched me. I tried on Ur My Type, but there was nobody nearby. Maybe you can try that app as well. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I blog a lot, so don't feel bad for not reading them straight away. We all have a life. 

I've always wanted to leave my hometown. I heard of people who've lived there for 40 years, 50 years or even their whole lives. The town is too tranquil and uneventful for me. Taking a tour there is sort of boring. I think it's because I'm one for seeing what's out there. 

Why I simply didn't pack my bags and get out...is more complicated than it sounds. For one thing, I couldn't afford it, and it was hard to convince my parents I can do it alone, due to my disability. Plus everybody often misjudged my level of intellect, just by looking at my appearance. 

It bugs me when people say, why don't you just do it? You're a grown up, right? Well they simply don't know me from Adam and the conflicts involved. They don't seem to realize how tough the economy is and it's not getting any easier to land something permanent. Plus you're dealing with heal issues that could be making it a challenge. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hate to break this on myself, but I was strongly advised to get out of the house and socialize, and I didn't. Yet I complain that I stayed single. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I must confess, I am feeling too old to still be living with my parents. 35, heh? I should have a place of my own by now. Never having gotten married is no excuse. I think that I was so overcome by excitement and happy feelings towards my future, I didn't stop to think of the likelihood, things won't work out as you imagined. At one time, I believed I'll be someone who cares about my satisfaction, and I ended up meeting so many who didn't care at all, nor even liked me, and just made me a face. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I just wish that I chose a career that wasn't so hard for me. A lot of careers are hard to learn at first, but with graphic design, you need to live and breathe it, and be driven, to survive in it. Like surfing, swimming and dancing. I wish that I had known before I went ahead. I should've done research, like I did this summer, to see what's a good fit. I just didn't think like that at 20. I envy young people who know what the hell their doing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I guess if you're strong, determined, willing and geared to find new work, life does find a way. Yeah, I sit in a chair all day hunting for jobs and watching demeaning YouTube videos.

It's crazy how you get older and time flies by faster. I never realized how many years I've lived at home into my adulthood, while trying to be independent. Most people my age are off the hook.