Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know what I have my life—I'm not staying with it and paying attention. I used to think "la tee da" things are going to cool anyway. Eventually, I ate my words. Things are not fine. They're pathetic. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really want to move on and see other places. I feel as if I'm confined in a town that I never leave. It's getting quite constipated. My goal was to get out there. And all I remember growing up in this town, is people making the same redundant remark about me. Thing is my mom won't let me go do as I please, in spite I'm an adult. She's aware of my mental health and thinks others will take notice as well. I'm thinking it would be great if I got a job at another destination. It's just, I feel stuck. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

In terms of career, I've got a lot of work to do. I have to make sure I do get a job or train for a new career. Trouble with me is that I can be so lazy. I will procrastinate sometimes, and if I can get working, it's when my energy levels are high. The pandemic has greatly impacted my health. In the mornings, I don't want to do anything and just fag out. I'll maybe look up favourable jobs, but in-depth research I don't feel like doing until the afternoon. I haven't done any projects for a while, because I've been stagnant. When you stop working and schooling, you kind of slide into that mode.  

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's so freaky to look back at your past and realize why certain events happened the way they did. When you're living in your MD world, you don't observe what's going on around you, in real life. For instance, I wondered why people strongly refused to be my friend and even go on a date with me. Being the way I naturally am, I wondered what the hard feelings and doubts were about. How bad can I possibly be? I believed, even if I wasn't at my best, it doesn't make a difference, people can still like me. Wrong. Those people actually could not stand listening to me or looking at me. I must've been so boring and deadpan on the outside, while I was lost in my head. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Another thing, I find it frustrating to look for a new batch of jobs that match my skillsets. I keep hopping around the same jobs boards until I get so bored. They suggest networking on LinkedIn, which comes in handy, I've connected with a design firm in Toronto. The whole research component is just so frustrating and uninteresting.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Great to hear. I need to improve my interview skills. My resume is well written, but my portfolio needs improvement, so does my cover letter. I feel like my application doesn't compare to other candidates. I'm getting Zoom and phone calls, but still no job offers. 

I'm wondering if I should retrain in the field I took up or still go for a secondary career. I looked at architectural design and computer programming, but my dad was against this. So I have three weeks to do further occupational research and apply to a college. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I have gotten two interviews lined up the coming Monday and Tuesday, so I hope to get one of them. Else, I'd have to look elsewhere again. So, I've covered that in a way.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Job market is supposed to be growing as of now. I'm looking around for jobs that match my resume and still don't see anything that meets my interest. Well, I do find some junior and intermediate roles that do work for me. But I see mostly all these senior coordinator and manager roles. It's very frustrating, and I'm considering switching programs, because my dad tells me I need to be educated in architecture to take CAD Drafting. I can't believe I'm still confused and mislead on careers at 35. I mean, it happens to 30-somethings, but its a bit sad. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I felt anxious and pressured. I was sitting down to eat my breakfast, when my dad came down from his conference to make coffee. He then started to ask questions to get answers out of me, what is going on since we don't talk much. I told him I'm actively looking for jobs and I'm considering a program at this college. I told him architectural design, CAD Drafting, which is what he is doing. He then looked flabbergasted, told me it's all about knowing buildings. I'm not sure if he's not OK with this idea. He then asked me what happened to my career in graphic design for over 11 years, and what went wrong. Communication in direction of project given by employer ?? I suddenly felt hot. I tried to tell him why, when my mom came in with a book to talk with him. I then flew up the stairs. I wish I spoke to my dad earlier about this in the process. Now I wonder if I'm making a big mistake picking a challenging program, which happens to be what my dad's field. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really regret not sticking with school, right after college graduation. I wish I took continuing studies at a grad program or learned a trade, or went into nursing. I stayed out of touch for some years, and it put me in bad shape. I am currently applying to a vocation school, but I feel discouraged, because I haven't been a student since 2010.